Published: May 29, 2026 (TheOnion.com)
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Listerine Leaves 0.1% Of Germs Alive To Spread Message Of Terror Throughout Microbial Community
Published: May 28, 2026 (TheOnion.com)
SUMMIT, NJ—In a surprise attack of astonishing brutality, oral cavity sources confirmed Thursday that the Listerine inside a local mouth was leaving 0.1% of germs alive in order to spread a message of terror throughout the microbial community. “The mouthwash killed my entire colony and then told me to bear witness to the horrors I saw today,” said a rod-shaped Porphyromonas gingivalis,adding that its cell wall was nearly dissolved when suddenly the 20 milliliters of antiseptic liquid retreated, leaving the bacterium with severe but nonfatal injuries. “The Listerine viciously wiped out our entire community. There was nothing left but a wasteland covered in piles of dead cell membranes. It laughed and told us that even God fears the minty power of Listerine.” Sources later refused to verify rumors that shell-shocked survivors had taken refuge inside a decayed tooth.
Woman Worried She In Codependent Relationship With Rest Of Humanity
Published: May 27, 2026 (TheOnion.com)
BOONE, NC—Noting that the troubling signs of a toxic dynamic had become too numerous to ignore, area woman Kara Vasques expressed concern Wednesday that she was in a codependent relationship with the rest of humanity. “Sometimes things will be great with me and the human race, but then I start to worry that I don’t really have an identity outside of how everyone on earth views me,” said Vasques, confirming that her taste in areas such as entertainment, sports, politics, food, and religion had been heavily influenced by the views of human civilization. “I can get really anxious and upset if I don’t accomplish my goals, but then I realize that I’m only doing a lot of this stuff for the benefit of society. I’m basically obsessed, and yet a lot of times I feel like the global population barely knows that I exist.” Vasques added that she might need to cut herself off from the rest of humanity for a while before eventually giving things a shot again with a different species.
Study: Most Men Believe They Could Seduce Bear If Life Depended On It
Published: May 15, 2026 (TheOnion.com)
DENVER—In an expression of overwhelming confidence in their innate animal magnetism, the majority of men who participated is a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Colorado stated that they could seduce a bear if their life depended on it. “Nearly 70% of male respondents claimed that if they encountered an aggressive grizzly in the wild and push came to shove, they would be able to win the affection of the charging animal with nothing but their raw sex appeal,” said lead author Peter Wilmore, explaining that most study participants aged 18 to 65 admitted that it might not seem like they could slip into thigh-high stockings, throw on some cherry red lipstick, and charm the pants off of a North American brown bear, but they were nonetheless convinced that if it was absolutely necessary, they would be able to lure one of the large mammals into their embrace. “Despite any previous indication that they had any game whatsoever, these men insisted that a surge of adrenaline and a flash of their ‘just-fuck-me’ eyes would be all they would need to entice an enraged mother bear protecting her young to sleep with them.” Wilmore warned men to seek the help of park rangers when attempting to get a bear to come home with them and make love all night long.
Petco Introduces New Self-Service Spay Or Neuter Stations
Published Friday (TheOnion.com)
SAN DIEGO, CA—Emphasizing that the new facilities would be quick, clean, and easy to use, Petco introduced new self-service spay or neuter stations Friday in all of its stores nationwide. “Starting today, customers will be able to go to any Petco and reserve a plastic, semiprivate enclosure in which to sterilize their dog, cat, or other small animal,” said CEO Ron Coughlin, adding that the self-service stations would be first come, first served, and would include access to scalpels, surgical scissors, and a sealed bin in which to dispose of loose testicles, ovaries, or fallopian tubes. “Now, instead of going to an expensive vet and paying hundreds of dollars, you can take your pet to Petco and remove their reproductive organs for just $20. Plus, rubber gloves, face masks, and scrubs are included at no extra cost. At the end of the day, no one knows their way around your pet’s genitals better than you.” At press time, Petco had reportedly been forced to shut down many of the self-service spay or neuter stations after customers failed to clean up the blood, hair, and viscera, tracking it all over the inside of the stores.
Scientists Train Full-Grown Man To Ask For Help When Needed
Published Yesterday (TheOnion.com)
STANFORD, CA—In a cutting-edge breakthrough for their field, psychologists at Stanford University confirmed Thursday they had trained a full-grown man to ask for help when he needed it. “After years of rigorous experimentation, we believe the test subject, whom we have named Buster, is finally capable of requesting assistance from others,” said researcher Alexandria Walker, who shared that her team of scientists had placed a bowl of chips on a high shelf and spent three years in the laboratory observing the 52-year-old man struggle to reach it. “We used techniques of both reinforcement and punishment, offering Buster deli meat when he looked our way and administering an electric shock each time he mustered an ‘I can do it all by myself.’ After nearly 30 months of experimentation, he finally grunted and gestured toward the stepladder he knew was kept in a locked cabinet. The implications are staggering. We hope that one day, full-grown men everywhere will be capable of asking for help when they need it.” At press time, Walker added that she believed with only another five years of training, the man would be capable of using words like “please.”
Ex-FDA Official Confirms Existence Of Vegetables
The Onion • Dec 6, 2023 Are they real? Are they among us? Are we not alone? For years, these questions have captivated and frustrated human beings, with no real answers in our grasp. That is, until now. Ronald J. Freely is a former Food and Drug Administration official and today he provides, for the first time, substantive proof of the existence of vegetables.
Mother Shares How Video Games Radicalized Her Son To Run Around And Pick Up Coins
The Onion • Dec 13, 2023 Michael Emery was a normal 10-year-old boy, until he began gaming. Now, his mother Rachel shares the story of how her son was radicalized by video games to run around and pick up coins, and warning other parents that their child could be next.
Scientist Explains How Climate Crisis Would Be Averted If Greta Thunberg Just Tried A Little Harder
The Onion • Nov 15, 2023 Is climate change reversible? Dr. Douglas Harrison, a climatologist at the Pratt Climate Institute, believes so. But as he explains, in order to save the planet, it’s going to take a lot more effort than what’s currently being given by Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg.
God Doubts He Could Still Create World In Just 7 Days Anymore
The Onion • Aug 1, 2014 Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Medical experts announce that an Ebola vaccine is at least 50 white people away from being developed, a new poll finds a majority of the CIA is now ready to install a female world leader, and a sex toy is discreetly shipped in a plain dildo-shaped box. It’s the week of August 1, 2014.