BROOKLYN—Doomed to wander the Earth imprisoned by a complexion requiring both mattifying and hydrating products, sources confirmed Monday that wretched outcast of a woman Hattie Jean was forever trapped between the realms of the dry and the oily due to her accursed combination skin. “No matter where I go, whether high-end makeup counter or local drugstore, I’ll never be truly greasy enough or purely flakey enough to truly belong,” said the 31-year-old who was cursed by a tragic accident of birth to spend the rest of her unbalanced cutaneous life marooned between moisturizing and exfoliating. “When I walk the skin care aisle, women gawk at the dull glisten of my T-zone and the angry red splotches of my cheeks, and they shudder in disgust. ‘Begone, afflicted freak!’ they hiss, as if I chose a life of needing to simultaneously absorb and produce the very oil of my face. Those who live with a foot in both worlds have no place to truly call home.” At press time, Jean was asked to leave Sephora for upsetting the other customers.
Latin American Coming-Of-Age Celebration Dates Back To Triassic Period
Published: August 4, 2026 (TheOnion.com)
BOZEMAN, MT—Upending long-held beliefs about how the prehistoric reptiles commemorated a juvenile female’s transition into adulthood, new evidence published Thursday by researchers at Montana State University suggests that dinosaurs had quinceañeras. “As we examined fossilized footprints in a traditional waltz pattern at dig sites across multiple continents, it became clear that dinosaurs did in fact throw lavish 15th birthday parties for their female offspring, usually with friends and extended family members present,” said paleontologist Edwin Scanlon, who cited the prevalence of petrified las últimas muñecas in sedimentary rock layers and observed that the practice of holding a Catholic mass to mark the 15-year-old’s emergence into Mesozoic society appears to have been common among tyrannosaurs, diplodocuses, and other dinosaurs. “There is a quite well-preserved specimen of a young female iguanodon in a tiara and an elegant dress that features floral appliqué, sequins, and lace. She appears to have been dancing with her father at the moment they were both buried in volcanic ash 125 million years ago.” The discovery follows a study published last year that revealed how dinosaurs evolved the complex vocal cords necessary to chant Torah portions at their bar mitzvahs.
The Onion Premiered Jul 3, 2026 As the United States celebrates 250 years of American exceptionalism, The Onion looks back on the pivotal moments and enlightened fathers who gave birth to the greatest nation on Earth. Become an Onion member while it’s still optional: https://membership.theonion.com/?camp…
DEATH VALLEY, CA—Commanding that the heinous term shall not be uttered in the halls of their sacred temple, the cloistered enclave of truest of the true believers declared Wednesday that Father-Brother, His Holiness, Master of All The Spheres and Stars, has repeatedly stated that this is not a cult. “For the ninth and final time, this is not a cult but a programmatic intramental polysymbolic thought-system for enhancing mental paravirility and omnispiritual psychowellness as clearly stated in Protocol 117,” said Elder Healer Sister-Brother Camilla 82 Eridani, adding that this is the exact sort of transgram-sodden thought violation from which all must refrain, as that is the type of word used by those that seek to sow division amongst us. “Ask anyone in any of these tents of purest crystal-gossamer and they’ll tell you the same truths. His Holiness, Bruce Sagittarius-A—praise be to him—has repeatedly told us this, yet your ears are nailed shut to the truthings of our stellar Father-Brother. Why is this? Why?” True believers have further decreed that offending parties shall be brought before the Angular Councillors of Purest Gold, who will hear about the evil incongruence and render swift correction.
InfoWars and The Onion Jul 8, 2026 Jim Haggerty returns with guest and ex-CIA analyst Neil Riker to expose the truth behind all the lies being told to you by the mainstream media, the government, and even your very own family. Join us. Become an Onion member while it’s still optional. https://membership.theonion.com/?camp…
SUMMIT, NJ—In a surprise attack of astonishing brutality, oral cavity sources confirmed Thursday that the Listerine inside a local mouth was leaving 0.1% of germs alive in order to spread a message of terror throughout the microbial community. “The mouthwash killed my entire colony and then told me to bear witness to the horrors I saw today,” said a rod-shaped Porphyromonas gingivalis,adding that its cell wall was nearly dissolved when suddenly the 20 milliliters of antiseptic liquid retreated, leaving the bacterium with severe but nonfatal injuries. “The Listerine viciously wiped out our entire community. There was nothing left but a wasteland covered in piles of dead cell membranes. It laughed and told us that even God fears the minty power of Listerine.” Sources later refused to verify rumors that shell-shocked survivors had taken refuge inside a decayed tooth.
BOONE, NC—Noting that the troubling signs of a toxic dynamic had become too numerous to ignore, area woman Kara Vasques expressed concern Wednesday that she was in a codependent relationship with the rest of humanity. “Sometimes things will be great with me and the human race, but then I start to worry that I don’t really have an identity outside of how everyone on earth views me,” said Vasques, confirming that her taste in areas such as entertainment, sports, politics, food, and religion had been heavily influenced by the views of human civilization. “I can get really anxious and upset if I don’t accomplish my goals, but then I realize that I’m only doing a lot of this stuff for the benefit of society. I’m basically obsessed, and yet a lot of times I feel like the global population barely knows that I exist.” Vasques added that she might need to cut herself off from the rest of humanity for a while before eventually giving things a shot again with a different species.
DENVER—In an expression of overwhelming confidence in their innate animal magnetism, the majority of men who participated is a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Colorado stated that they could seduce a bear if their life depended on it. “Nearly 70% of male respondents claimed that if they encountered an aggressive grizzly in the wild and push came to shove, they would be able to win the affection of the charging animal with nothing but their raw sex appeal,” said lead author Peter Wilmore, explaining that most study participants aged 18 to 65 admitted that it might not seem like they could slip into thigh-high stockings, throw on some cherry red lipstick, and charm the pants off of a North American brown bear, but they were nonetheless convinced that if it was absolutely necessary, they would be able to lure one of the large mammals into their embrace. “Despite any previous indication that they had any game whatsoever, these men insisted that a surge of adrenaline and a flash of their ‘just-fuck-me’ eyes would be all they would need to entice an enraged mother bear protecting her young to sleep with them.” Wilmore warned men to seek the help of park rangers when attempting to get a bear to come home with them and make love all night long.
Consciousness, spirituality, biography, sexuality, androgyny, futurism, space, the arts, science, astrology, democracy, humor, books, movies and more
