DENVER—In an expression of overwhelming confidence in their innate animal magnetism, the majority of men who participated is a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Colorado stated that they could seduce a bear if their life depended on it. “Nearly 70% of male respondents claimed that if they encountered an aggressive grizzly in the wild and push came to shove, they would be able to win the affection of the charging animal with nothing but their raw sex appeal,” said lead author Peter Wilmore, explaining that most study participants aged 18 to 65 admitted that it might not seem like they could slip into thigh-high stockings, throw on some cherry red lipstick, and charm the pants off of a North American brown bear, but they were nonetheless convinced that if it was absolutely necessary, they would be able to lure one of the large mammals into their embrace. “Despite any previous indication that they had any game whatsoever, these men insisted that a surge of adrenaline and a flash of their ‘just-fuck-me’ eyes would be all they would need to entice an enraged mother bear protecting her young to sleep with them.” Wilmore warned men to seek the help of park rangers when attempting to get a bear to come home with them and make love all night long.
SAN DIEGO, CA—Emphasizing that the new facilities would be quick, clean, and easy to use, Petco introduced new self-service spay or neuter stations Friday in all of its stores nationwide. “Starting today, customers will be able to go to any Petco and reserve a plastic, semiprivate enclosure in which to sterilize their dog, cat, or other small animal,” said CEO Ron Coughlin, adding that the self-service stations would be first come, first served, and would include access to scalpels, surgical scissors, and a sealed bin in which to dispose of loose testicles, ovaries, or fallopian tubes. “Now, instead of going to an expensive vet and paying hundreds of dollars, you can take your pet to Petco and remove their reproductive organs for just $20. Plus, rubber gloves, face masks, and scrubs are included at no extra cost. At the end of the day, no one knows their way around your pet’s genitals better than you.” At press time, Petco had reportedly been forced to shut down many of the self-service spay or neuter stations after customers failed to clean up the blood, hair, and viscera, tracking it all over the inside of the stores.
STANFORD, CA—In a cutting-edge breakthrough for their field, psychologists at Stanford University confirmed Thursday they had trained a full-grown man to ask for help when he needed it. “After years of rigorous experimentation, we believe the test subject, whom we have named Buster, is finally capable of requesting assistance from others,” said researcher Alexandria Walker, who shared that her team of scientists had placed a bowl of chips on a high shelf and spent three years in the laboratory observing the 52-year-old man struggle to reach it. “We used techniques of both reinforcement and punishment, offering Buster deli meat when he looked our way and administering an electric shock each time he mustered an ‘I can do it all by myself.’ After nearly 30 months of experimentation, he finally grunted and gestured toward the stepladder he knew was kept in a locked cabinet. The implications are staggering. We hope that one day, full-grown men everywhere will be capable of asking for help when they need it.” At press time, Walker added that she believed with only another five years of training, the man would be capable of using words like “please.”
The Onion • Dec 6, 2023 Are they real? Are they among us? Are we not alone? For years, these questions have captivated and frustrated human beings, with no real answers in our grasp. That is, until now. Ronald J. Freely is a former Food and Drug Administration official and today he provides, for the first time, substantive proof of the existence of vegetables.
The Onion • Dec 13, 2023 Michael Emery was a normal 10-year-old boy, until he began gaming. Now, his mother Rachel shares the story of how her son was radicalized by video games to run around and pick up coins, and warning other parents that their child could be next.
The Onion • Nov 15, 2023 Is climate change reversible? Dr. Douglas Harrison, a climatologist at the Pratt Climate Institute, believes so. But as he explains, in order to save the planet, it’s going to take a lot more effort than what’s currently being given by Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg.
The Onion • Aug 1, 2014 Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Medical experts announce that an Ebola vaccine is at least 50 white people away from being developed, a new poll finds a majority of the CIA is now ready to install a female world leader, and a sex toy is discreetly shipped in a plain dildo-shaped box. It’s the week of August 1, 2014.
The Onion • Jul 25, 2014 Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA A new report finds climate change skeptics could reach catastrophic levels by 2020, the nation’s gratuitously sexual couples announce plans to wait in line at Six Flags, and a local grandpa looks absolutely precious in his new baseball cap. It’s the week of July 25, 2014.
THE HEAVENS—Admitting that His heavenly dictates had made the Franciscan friar suffer enough, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly threw celibate monk Roberto Nevastri a pity wet dream this week. “He’s been so good resisting temptation and respecting chastity over the past few decades that the least I could do is give the poor guy a little release,” said God, adding that seeing the stern expression on Nevastri’s face as he slumbered in his dormitory had convinced the deity that sending the monk a few erotic dreams that culminated in a nocturnal emission wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. “As far as wet dreams go, I can make it pretty tame. It’s been about five years since his last one. So all I have to do is let him fantasize about having missionary-style sex with an anonymous woman for a few brief, joyous seconds. Man, it’s going to absolutely blow his mind.” At press time, God added that He would, of course, also make the monk’s mind fill with a pervading sense of guilt after he awoke to discover his involuntary ejaculation staining the bed sheets.
GAZA CITY, GAZA—The complicity of each and every Palestinian in the violent actions of their militant ruling authority was reportedly on full display Friday morning when dying Gazans received justified criticism for not using their last words to condemn Hamas. For example, instead of issuing a full-throated denunciation of the violent attacks by Hamas that have left over 1,300 Israelis dead, one dying woman holding her 6-year-old son who had just been killed in a bombing is said to have doubled down by telling her child she loved him. According to reports, such barbarism on the part of Palestinians was on full display across the Gaza Strip, where many men of fighting age could not muster a single world of reproof for Hamas’ actions while they coughed up blood. In war-ravaged Gaza City, a dying reporter was heard blatantly begging for help instead of labeling Hamas a terrorist organization. At press time, the Israeli Defense Forces Twitter account underscored the massive surge of contempt they were contending with by posting a video that featured the shocking savagery of a Palestinian corpse that refused to condemn Hamas even when kicked.
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