SAN MATEO, CA—After spending the past three decades of his life being totally unable and unwilling to engage in any meaningful way with the world around him, James Parker, a local guy who sucks at being a person, told reporters Thursday that he saw huge potential in AI. “While it’s still in its early phase, artificial intelligence will one day accomplish things that humans could have never even dreamed of doing,” said Parker, who, by all accounts, has never stretched himself to do something he found difficult; has never created anything truly original; and, deep down, has absolutely zero understanding of what makes things good, enjoyable, or rewarding. “Just yesterday, I asked an AI program to write an entire sci-fi novel for me, and [as someone who will die an empty shell of a man who wasted his life doing nothing for the world and, perhaps, should never have been born] I was super impressed. Soon, humans won’t need to do anything at all! Awesome.” At press time, Parker added that as someone whose contributions to society would almost certainly be measured cumulatively as a net loss, he also saw great potential in the future of the metaverse.
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—According to a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of Anthropological Research, early humans domesticated wolves after numerous failed attempts at domesticating crocodiles. “Discouraged by a lack of progress and their loss of limbs, early man stopped sharing their scraps of meat with crocodiles and decided to try their luck with wolves instead,” said study co-author Elijah Seba, who confirmed that prior to the domestication of dogs from wolves that begin approximately 30,000 years ago, humans spent 1,000 or so years attempting to coax crocodiles into assisting them with hunting and guarding. “Humans offered crocodiles a place by the fire to warm themselves and even a spot in their bed, but these friendly overtures were met only by the reptiles snatching them by the legs, dragging them into the water, and spinning them into a death roll. It is a pity man was not more persistent. Why we failed to earn the crocodile’s loyalty, we’ll never know.” At press time, Seba added that modern-day house cats were descendants of this original population of crocodiles.
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