The Onion • Nov 15, 2023 Is climate change reversible? Dr. Douglas Harrison, a climatologist at the Pratt Climate Institute, believes so. But as he explains, in order to save the planet, it’s going to take a lot more effort than what’s currently being given by Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg.
Tag Archives: the onion
God Doubts He Could Still Create World In Just 7 Days Anymore
The Onion • Aug 1, 2014 Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Medical experts announce that an Ebola vaccine is at least 50 white people away from being developed, a new poll finds a majority of the CIA is now ready to install a female world leader, and a sex toy is discreetly shipped in a plain dildo-shaped box. It’s the week of August 1, 2014.
Israel Unveils New Defense System To Deflect Accusations Of Human Rights Violations
The Onion • Jul 25, 2014 Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA A new report finds climate change skeptics could reach catastrophic levels by 2020, the nation’s gratuitously sexual couples announce plans to wait in line at Six Flags, and a local grandpa looks absolutely precious in his new baseball cap. It’s the week of July 25, 2014.
God Throws Celibate Monk Pity Wet Dream
Published Yesterday (TheOnion.com)
THE HEAVENS—Admitting that His heavenly dictates had made the Franciscan friar suffer enough, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly threw celibate monk Roberto Nevastri a pity wet dream this week. “He’s been so good resisting temptation and respecting chastity over the past few decades that the least I could do is give the poor guy a little release,” said God, adding that seeing the stern expression on Nevastri’s face as he slumbered in his dormitory had convinced the deity that sending the monk a few erotic dreams that culminated in a nocturnal emission wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. “As far as wet dreams go, I can make it pretty tame. It’s been about five years since his last one. So all I have to do is let him fantasize about having missionary-style sex with an anonymous woman for a few brief, joyous seconds. Man, it’s going to absolutely blow his mind.” At press time, God added that He would, of course, also make the monk’s mind fill with a pervading sense of guilt after he awoke to discover his involuntary ejaculation staining the bed sheets.
Dying Gazans Criticized For Not Using Last Words To Condemn Hamas
PublishedOctober 13, 2023 (TheOnion.com)
GAZA CITY, GAZA—The complicity of each and every Palestinian in the violent actions of their militant ruling authority was reportedly on full display Friday morning when dying Gazans received justified criticism for not using their last words to condemn Hamas. For example, instead of issuing a full-throated denunciation of the violent attacks by Hamas that have left over 1,300 Israelis dead, one dying woman holding her 6-year-old son who had just been killed in a bombing is said to have doubled down by telling her child she loved him. According to reports, such barbarism on the part of Palestinians was on full display across the Gaza Strip, where many men of fighting age could not muster a single world of reproof for Hamas’ actions while they coughed up blood. In war-ravaged Gaza City, a dying reporter was heard blatantly begging for help instead of labeling Hamas a terrorist organization. At press time, the Israeli Defense Forces Twitter account underscored the massive surge of contempt they were contending with by posting a video that featured the shocking savagery of a Palestinian corpse that refused to condemn Hamas even when kicked.
Man Reaches Deep Within To Find The Courage To Run From All His Problems
Published Yesterday (TheOnion.com)
NEW YORK—Drawing from reserves he never even knew he had until this moment, local man Kevin Nachtman reportedly reached deep within himself Thursday to find the courage to run from all his problems. “You never know how strong you are until it’s time to cut your losses and get the fuck out,” said Nachtman, who used every ounce of both his physical and mental strength to avoid confronting the root of his professional, financial, relationship, and familial problems. “Whoever said ‘You can’t outrun your problems’ has clearly never met me. It’s tough to bury your head in the sand, but someone has to do it. And next time I have to run from my problems, it will be even easier since I’ve done it before.” Reached for comment, Nachtman’s children conceded that it was very brave of him to abandon them.
Guy Who Sucks At Being A Person Sees Huge Potential In AI
PublishedYesterday (TheOnion.com)
SAN MATEO, CA—After spending the past three decades of his life being totally unable and unwilling to engage in any meaningful way with the world around him, James Parker, a local guy who sucks at being a person, told reporters Thursday that he saw huge potential in AI. “While it’s still in its early phase, artificial intelligence will one day accomplish things that humans could have never even dreamed of doing,” said Parker, who, by all accounts, has never stretched himself to do something he found difficult; has never created anything truly original; and, deep down, has absolutely zero understanding of what makes things good, enjoyable, or rewarding. “Just yesterday, I asked an AI program to write an entire sci-fi novel for me, and [as someone who will die an empty shell of a man who wasted his life doing nothing for the world and, perhaps, should never have been born] I was super impressed. Soon, humans won’t need to do anything at all! Awesome.” At press time, Parker added that as someone whose contributions to society would almost certainly be measured cumulatively as a net loss, he also saw great potential in the future of the metaverse.
Study Finds Early Humans Domesticated Wolves After Failed Attempts At Domesticating Crocodiles
PublishedYesterday (theonion.com)
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—According to a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of Anthropological Research, early humans domesticated wolves after numerous failed attempts at domesticating crocodiles. “Discouraged by a lack of progress and their loss of limbs, early man stopped sharing their scraps of meat with crocodiles and decided to try their luck with wolves instead,” said study co-author Elijah Seba, who confirmed that prior to the domestication of dogs from wolves that begin approximately 30,000 years ago, humans spent 1,000 or so years attempting to coax crocodiles into assisting them with hunting and guarding. “Humans offered crocodiles a place by the fire to warm themselves and even a spot in their bed, but these friendly overtures were met only by the reptiles snatching them by the legs, dragging them into the water, and spinning them into a death roll. It is a pity man was not more persistent. Why we failed to earn the crocodile’s loyalty, we’ll never know.” At press time, Seba added that modern-day house cats were descendants of this original population of crocodiles.