Published: June 24, 2019 (TheOnion.com)

BROOKLYN—Doomed to wander the Earth imprisoned by a complexion requiring both mattifying and hydrating products, sources confirmed Monday that wretched outcast of a woman Hattie Jean was forever trapped between the realms of the dry and the oily due to her accursed combination skin. “No matter where I go, whether high-end makeup counter or local drugstore, I’ll never be truly greasy enough or purely flakey enough to truly belong,” said the 31-year-old who was cursed by a tragic accident of birth to spend the rest of her unbalanced cutaneous life marooned between moisturizing and exfoliating. “When I walk the skin care aisle, women gawk at the dull glisten of my T-zone and the angry red splotches of my cheeks, and they shudder in disgust. ‘Begone, afflicted freak!’ they hiss, as if I chose a life of needing to simultaneously absorb and produce the very oil of my face. Those who live with a foot in both worlds have no place to truly call home.” At press time, Jean was asked to leave Sephora for upsetting the other customers.

Latin American Coming-Of-Age Celebration Dates Back To Triassic Period

Published: August 4, 2026 (TheOnion.com)

BOZEMAN, MT—Upending long-held beliefs about how the prehistoric reptiles commemorated a juvenile female’s transition into adulthood, new evidence published Thursday by researchers at Montana State University suggests that dinosaurs had quinceañeras. “As we examined fossilized footprints in a traditional waltz pattern at dig sites across multiple continents, it became clear that dinosaurs did in fact throw lavish 15th birthday parties for their female offspring, usually with friends and extended family members present,” said paleontologist Edwin Scanlon, who cited the prevalence of petrified las últimas muñecas in sedimentary rock layers and observed that the practice of holding a Catholic mass to mark the 15-year-old’s emergence into Mesozoic society appears to have been common among tyrannosaurs, diplodocuses, and other dinosaurs. “There is a quite well-preserved specimen of a young female iguanodon in a tiara and an elegant dress that features floral appliqué, sequins, and lace. She appears to have been dancing with her father at the moment they were both buried in volcanic ash 125 million years ago.” The discovery follows a study published last year that revealed how dinosaurs evolved the complex vocal cords necessary to chant Torah portions at their bar mitzvahs.