5 days ago by Clare Blackwood ( @clareblackwood ) (thebeaverton.com)

OTTAWA – After Donald Trump signed an executive order renaming Lake Ontario “Lake America,” Prime Minister Mark Carney announced he would preemptively rename the rest of the Great Lakes as “Lake Legal Adult” in order for the president to immediately lose interest in touching them.

“Our friendship with the United States has been in almost as much peril as an underage girl around their president, but going after Lake Ontario was just too much,” said Carney, displaying a map he’d created showing the remaining four lakes filled in with a pattern of the Canadian flag.

“So my team and I brainstormed the scariest, least attractive thing Trump could imagine, and took immediate action to protect the rest.”

Carney also stated that other potential Trump-repelling name changes included “Lake My Father’s Love,” “Lake Eric,” and “Lake Consent,” but his team felt that they didn’t quite hold the same amount of sheer repulsiveness to the president.

“While I understand that naming all four lakes the same name will be confusing to Canadians for a while, it will be worth the temporary inconvenience to ensure that President Trump no longer has any desire to even look at them anymore,” assured Carney.

“In fact, I have just received word from Canada’s Ambassador to the US, Mark Wiseman, that Mr. Trump can no longer even see that any of the Lake Legal Adults exist on a map.”

At press time it’s still Lake Ontario, dipshit.