LOS ANGELES—Saying a courtesy call would have been nice even if nothing ever came of it, E.T. told reporters Monday he was shocked at not being contacted by director Steven Spielberg for a cameo in his new sci-fi movie Disclosure Day. “I knew I wasn’t going to be the lead, which was totally fine, but are you telling me that after more than 40 years of friendship, he can’t pick up the phone and say he’d love to throw a few lines my way?” said the extraterrestrial, adding that it was him and his “glowing fucking fingertip” that gave Spielberg one of the top-earning movies of all time. “I mean, who’s in the logo of his production company? Not Gizmo, that’s for goddamn sure. But somehow I don’t get a single feeler from Mr. Nicest Guy In Hollywood even though I said on Reddit not two years ago that I was eager to get back into acting now that I’ve put my personal demons behind me. Well, guess what, Stevie? You had your chance, buddy boy. When George Lucas calls, you’d better believe I’ll be picking up.” When reached for comment, Spielberg simply stated that he and E.T. had not spoken in many years, but that he wished him all the best.
On Sunday, the same day as President Trump’s 80th birthday, the White House will host UFC Freedom 250 on the South Lawn. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the unprecedented mixed martial arts event.
$1.2 million
Cost of restoring Thomas Jefferson’s original Octagon
5
Drinks before shirtless Pete Hegseth tries to join fight
7
Times mixed martial arts mentioned in Bill of Rights
2
Future Supreme Court justices on fight card
.001%
Likelihood fighter walks out to the theme from Will And Grace
13
Average ring girl age
8
Times Pope Leo has declined to attend
20
Starved lions on hand if things get slow
3
Women
9
Scattered teeth that will be found during next year’s White House Easter Egg Hunt
Brendan Carr has enacted federal rules that require all moms on broadcast television to be homemakers.
Published: June 4, 2026 (TheOnion.com)
WASHINGTON—Saying it had been forced to take action against networks that refused to change their conduct, the Federal Communications Commission announced Monday it would investigate broadcasters of TV shows where the mom has a job. “It has come to our attention that the public airwaves have been used to transmit indecent images of female characters who have both children and jobs—and in some cases are even a family’s breadwinner,” said FCC Commissioner Brendan Carr, claiming such programs were not in compliance with new guidelines that require fictional mothers to be breastfeeding off-screen for at least two-thirds of an episode’s duration. “It is a violation of broadcast codes for these women to be shown outside the home at all, unless it is at a grocery store or a church. Moving forward, every mother who appears on camera must be holding a child in every single frame or we will revoke the licenses of the offending stations.” Carr added that the FCC would also levy fines against any show portraying young girls attending school.
COLUMBUS, OH—Thryssskmsss, a 2-year-old barn funnel weaver spider, confided to friends Wednesday that she isn’t sure she’s ready for 3,000 children at this point in her life. “There’s so much I want to do—explore the world’s dark cracks, visit the drainpipes, see what it’s like to eat a dragonfly—but I can’t do those things if I’ve got several hundred spiderlings clinging to every leg,” the spider said from the eaves of her Columbus home. “If I had 3,000 hungry mandibles to feed, I’d be in the web catching flies all day, and that’s just not where I’m at right now.” Thryssskmsss added that she expects one day she’ll be ready to settle down and find a nice male to mate with and then devour.
By Zara Irshad, Staff Writer May 27, 2026 (SFChronicle.com)
Gift Article
A new adult film production is looking for a Mayor Daniel Lurie impersonator, according to posters spotted around San Francisco. Jana Ašenbrennerová/For the S.F. Chronicle
Daniel Lurie may be known for his lighthearted Instagram reels, but a new casting call seeks to place the San Francisco mayor’s likeness in a not-so-family-friendly scenario.
“Daniel Lurie impersonator Needed For: Gay Adult Film,” read posters spotted in the Castro and Haight-Ashbury neighborhoods last week.
The X-rated project is being put together by a group of self-proclaimed San Francisco natives. Its title, “Let’s Blow San Francisco,” riffs off Lurie’s popular “Let’s go San Francisco” rallying cry.
The adult film, which is still searching for funding, would “star a fictionalized version of Mayor Daniel Lurie interacting with his fellow San Franciscans,” one of the individuals behind the project, who goes by the name Scooter, told the Chronicle via email. “From regular community members, to police officers, and beyond.”
In addition to being 18 years or older and striking a physical resemblance to the mayor, applicants must also be able to copy Lurie’s voice and mannerisms. Those interested can email the filmmakers a two-minute-long clip of their best Lurie impersonation.
The Chronicle has reached out to Lurie’s office for comment.
An X-rated Lurie impersonator may seem an unconventional ask, but for someone with the mayor’s public popularity, it was just a matter of time. The Chronicle’s most recent poll shows that Lurie is extremely popular for a big city mayor, with 74% of respondents approving of his performance in office so far.
Scooter said that they have received some inquiries for the role, but are still on the hunt for their Lurie lookalike.
“We’ve had some suspicions that people may be reluctant to want to think or admit that they look like Daniel Lurie,” Scooter wrote. “However, we think that this is a great quality.”
Scooter’s team initially planned to pool their own money together to fund the production of the film, but the buzz around the posters has prompted them to now explore the possibility of using product placement to finance the project.
Indeed, the social media response to the casting has been enthusiastic, with many cracking jokes about the casting and some declaring: “San Francisco is back.”
Zara Irshad is the Chronicle’s Arts & Entertainment Engagement Reporter. She joined the Chronicle as a summer 2023 intern for the Datebook team. She is a recent graduate of UC San Diego, where she studied communications. She previously interned for the San Diego Union-Tribune and wrote for her campus newspaper, the Guardian, where she served as editor-in-chief. Irshad was part of the honors program for her major and double-minored in world literature and film studies.
SUMMIT, NJ—In a surprise attack of astonishing brutality, oral cavity sources confirmed Thursday that the Listerine inside a local mouth was leaving 0.1% of germs alive in order to spread a message of terror throughout the microbial community. “The mouthwash killed my entire colony and then told me to bear witness to the horrors I saw today,” said a rod-shaped Porphyromonas gingivalis,adding that its cell wall was nearly dissolved when suddenly the 20 milliliters of antiseptic liquid retreated, leaving the bacterium with severe but nonfatal injuries. “The Listerine viciously wiped out our entire community. There was nothing left but a wasteland covered in piles of dead cell membranes. It laughed and told us that even God fears the minty power of Listerine.” Sources later refused to verify rumors that shell-shocked survivors had taken refuge inside a decayed tooth.
Pope Leo XIV published his first encyclical Monday, warning about the dangers of artificial intelligence. Here’s what you need to know about the document.
Q: What is an encyclical?
A: It’s like a company-wide email, except this one is skeptical of AI.
Q: What is the encyclical titled?
A: Magnifica_Humanitas_final.docx
Q: Were any AI companies or products mentioned by name?
A: Pope Leo specifically called out the Domino’s customer support bot.
Q: Why did the pope write about AI?
A: The Vatican’s SEO rankings have been plummeting for months.
Q: What impact will this have on the public perception of AI?
A: ChatGPT usage is already down 24% among little old Italian women.
Q: How can I read the encyclical?
A: By opening it in a browser tab you might get to in a couple of weeks.
BOONE, NC—Noting that the troubling signs of a toxic dynamic had become too numerous to ignore, area woman Kara Vasques expressed concern Wednesday that she was in a codependent relationship with the rest of humanity. “Sometimes things will be great with me and the human race, but then I start to worry that I don’t really have an identity outside of how everyone on earth views me,” said Vasques, confirming that her taste in areas such as entertainment, sports, politics, food, and religion had been heavily influenced by the views of human civilization. “I can get really anxious and upset if I don’t accomplish my goals, but then I realize that I’m only doing a lot of this stuff for the benefit of society. I’m basically obsessed, and yet a lot of times I feel like the global population barely knows that I exist.” Vasques added that she might need to cut herself off from the rest of humanity for a while before eventually giving things a shot again with a different species.
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