The Onion Premiered 19 hours ago As the United States celebrates 250 years of American exceptionalism, The Onion looks back on the pivotal moments and enlightened fathers who gave birth to the greatest nation on Earth. Become an Onion member while it’s still optional: https://membership.theonion.com/?camp…
Category Archives: Humor
Report: That’s Enough Soccer For Now
Published: June 30, 2026 (TheOnion.com)
WASHINGTON—Saying the nation had enjoyed a perfectly adequate amount of dribbling, passing, and loud chanting, a new report published Tuesday confirmed that was enough soccer for now. “Welp, that was fun, but we’ve got our fill,” the report read in part, adding that after a couple weeks of watching men from places like Italy, Bulgaria, or wherever kick the ball back and forth, Americans were ready to thank everyone involved and move on to something else. “It was fun and all, and we’ll be sure to tune in again in four years. But for now, that’s plenty of soccer—no need to overdo it. Everyone can gather their scarves and drums and face paint, make their way to airports, and go back to their homes. We’ll just say that Europe won. That work for everyone?” The report concluded that a future global soccer tournament wasn’t out of the question as long as it could be wrapped up in a day or two.
Picasso tries to sell a painting
E.T. Admits Shock At Not Even Being Called For Cameo In ‘Disclosure Day’
Published: June 15, 2026 (TheOnion.com)
LOS ANGELES—Saying a courtesy call would have been nice even if nothing ever came of it, E.T. told reporters Monday he was shocked at not being contacted by director Steven Spielberg for a cameo in his new sci-fi movie Disclosure Day. “I knew I wasn’t going to be the lead, which was totally fine, but are you telling me that after more than 40 years of friendship, he can’t pick up the phone and say he’d love to throw a few lines my way?” said the extraterrestrial, adding that it was him and his “glowing fucking fingertip” that gave Spielberg one of the top-earning movies of all time. “I mean, who’s in the logo of his production company? Not Gizmo, that’s for goddamn sure. But somehow I don’t get a single feeler from Mr. Nicest Guy In Hollywood even though I said on Reddit not two years ago that I was eager to get back into acting now that I’ve put my personal demons behind me. Well, guess what, Stevie? You had your chance, buddy boy. When George Lucas calls, you’d better believe I’ll be picking up.” When reached for comment, Spielberg simply stated that he and E.T. had not spoken in many years, but that he wished him all the best.
The White House UFC Fight By The Numbers
Published: June 11, 2026 (TheOnion.com)
On Sunday, the same day as President Trump’s 80th birthday, the White House will host UFC Freedom 250 on the South Lawn. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the unprecedented mixed martial arts event.
$1.2 million
Cost of restoring Thomas Jefferson’s original Octagon
5
Drinks before shirtless Pete Hegseth tries to join fight
7
Times mixed martial arts mentioned in Bill of Rights
2
Future Supreme Court justices on fight card
.001%
Likelihood fighter walks out to the theme from Will And Grace
13
Average ring girl age
8
Times Pope Leo has declined to attend
20
Starved lions on hand if things get slow
3
Women
9
Scattered teeth that will be found during next year’s White House Easter Egg Hunt
Tips For LGBTQ+ Travelers
Published: June 8, 2026 (TheOnion.com)
June is time for Pride and time for travel. The Onion shares tips for helping LGBTQ+ Americans stay safe while traveling this summer.
Use discretion when conversing with strangers on apps who list their job as “Secret Police.”
Make sure the destination you’re heading to isn’t somewhere that persecutes LGBTQ+ people, like Dubai or Boston.
Use the restroom that you feel most comfortable having dysentery in.
If a language barrier makes it difficult to tell if a local is also gay, listen for key universal phrases like “Laurie Metcalf.”
Travelers to Europe should pack a Type-C penis adapter.
Be absolutely certain your Pride flag doesn’t resemble the flag of any local insurgent groups before flying it.
It may be safer to tell hoteliers that your partner is your sibling, cousin, or a U.S. marshal escorting you to prison.
Denmark seems fine, if we had to guess.
Use hook-up apps with caution by only agreeing to sex in public places like cafes.
Remember that, unfortunately, many countries still persecute bisexual women in cishet relationships.
If questioned by locals, do not reveal that Ellen DeGeneres is also gay.
FCC To Investigate TV Shows Where The Mom Has Job
Agency Bans On-Air Portrayal Of Employed Mothers
Published: June 4, 2026 (TheOnion.com)
WASHINGTON—Saying it had been forced to take action against networks that refused to change their conduct, the Federal Communications Commission announced Monday it would investigate broadcasters of TV shows where the mom has a job. “It has come to our attention that the public airwaves have been used to transmit indecent images of female characters who have both children and jobs—and in some cases are even a family’s breadwinner,” said FCC Commissioner Brendan Carr, claiming such programs were not in compliance with new guidelines that require fictional mothers to be breastfeeding off-screen for at least two-thirds of an episode’s duration. “It is a violation of broadcast codes for these women to be shown outside the home at all, unless it is at a grocery store or a church. Moving forward, every mother who appears on camera must be holding a child in every single frame or we will revoke the licenses of the offending stations.” Carr added that the FCC would also levy fines against any show portraying young girls attending school.
Career Spider Not Sure She’s Ready For 3,000 Children At This Point
Published: January 10, 2013 (TheOnion.com)
COLUMBUS, OH—Thryssskmsss, a 2-year-old barn funnel weaver spider, confided to friends Wednesday that she isn’t sure she’s ready for 3,000 children at this point in her life. “There’s so much I want to do—explore the world’s dark cracks, visit the drainpipes, see what it’s like to eat a dragonfly—but I can’t do those things if I’ve got several hundred spiderlings clinging to every leg,” the spider said from the eaves of her Columbus home. “If I had 3,000 hungry mandibles to feed, I’d be in the web catching flies all day, and that’s just not where I’m at right now.” Thryssskmsss added that she expects one day she’ll be ready to settle down and find a nice male to mate with and then devour.
Pit Bull Makes Throat-Slitting Gesture While Owner Not Looking
Adult filmmakers seek San Francisco Mayor Daniel Lurie lookalike for gay porn
By Zara Irshad, Staff Writer May 27, 2026 (SFChronicle.com)
Gift Article
A new adult film production is looking for a Mayor Daniel Lurie impersonator, according to posters spotted around San Francisco. Jana Ašenbrennerová/For the S.F. Chronicle
Daniel Lurie may be known for his lighthearted Instagram reels, but a new casting call seeks to place the San Francisco mayor’s likeness in a not-so-family-friendly scenario.
“Daniel Lurie impersonator Needed For: Gay Adult Film,” read posters spotted in the Castro and Haight-Ashbury neighborhoods last week.
The X-rated project is being put together by a group of self-proclaimed San Francisco natives. Its title, “Let’s Blow San Francisco,” riffs off Lurie’s popular “Let’s go San Francisco” rallying cry.
The adult film, which is still searching for funding, would “star a fictionalized version of Mayor Daniel Lurie interacting with his fellow San Franciscans,” one of the individuals behind the project, who goes by the name Scooter, told the Chronicle via email. “From regular community members, to police officers, and beyond.”
In addition to being 18 years or older and striking a physical resemblance to the mayor, applicants must also be able to copy Lurie’s voice and mannerisms. Those interested can email the filmmakers a two-minute-long clip of their best Lurie impersonation.
The Chronicle has reached out to Lurie’s office for comment.
An X-rated Lurie impersonator may seem an unconventional ask, but for someone with the mayor’s public popularity, it was just a matter of time. The Chronicle’s most recent poll shows that Lurie is extremely popular for a big city mayor, with 74% of respondents approving of his performance in office so far.
Scooter said that they have received some inquiries for the role, but are still on the hunt for their Lurie lookalike.
“We’ve had some suspicions that people may be reluctant to want to think or admit that they look like Daniel Lurie,” Scooter wrote. “However, we think that this is a great quality.”
Scooter’s team initially planned to pool their own money together to fund the production of the film, but the buzz around the posters has prompted them to now explore the possibility of using product placement to finance the project.
Indeed, the social media response to the casting has been enthusiastic, with many cracking jokes about the casting and some declaring: “San Francisco is back.”
May 27, 2026
Staff Writer
Zara Irshad is the Chronicle’s Arts & Entertainment Engagement Reporter. She joined the Chronicle as a summer 2023 intern for the Datebook team. She is a recent graduate of UC San Diego, where she studied communications. She previously interned for the San Diego Union-Tribune and wrote for her campus newspaper, the Guardian, where she served as editor-in-chief. Irshad was part of the honors program for her major and double-minored in world literature and film studies.