Published: April 30, 2026 (TheOnion.com)
HONOLULU—Cackling wildly as He willed the barnyard fowl into existence, a drunk God Almighty, Supreme Leader of the Universe, reportedly made a few dozen roosters materialize Thursday over a random point in the Pacific Ocean. “Yo, Gabriel, check this shit out!” the wasted Creator of All Things said while jostling the archangel on the shoulder and pointing at the birds struggling in the waves below. “Look at all these fucking birds I got. Can’t fly to shore, so what you gonna do? Come on, look at this shit. Look, they’re all splashing and squawking like motherfuckers. Should I put ’em in a volcano or something? Maybe I’ll materialize a couple orcas for good measure. Or wait—what about a whirlpool? Damn, I don’t think I’ve had this much fun since the flood!” At press time, reports confirmed God was throwing down an extra large rooster to make as big of a splash as possible.
Campus student groups organized a candlelight vigil with more than 100 attendees on Sproul Plaza on Tuesday evening to honor those killed during the Feb. 28 missile strike on Shajareh Tayyebeh Elementary School in Minab, Iran.
U.S. military investigators found the United States were likely responsible for the attack that killed about 168 people, including 110 students.
“The difficulty in having a candlelight vigil is that you hope that it will stop,” said ethnic studies lecturer Hatem Bazian. “But unfortunately, as we’re seeing the development around the world, it doesn’t look like there is any stopping anytime soon.”
Vigil organizers displayed poster boards featuring poetry and photos of the school and those killed in the strike. A projector played a video of Josephine Guilbeau, a former U.S. Army counterterrorism officer, in which she alleged the U.S. strike constituted a war crime. Following Guilbeau’s speech, the projector also played home videos of the children who were killed.
A member of UC Berkeley’s Ahlul Bayt Student Association, who requested anonymity because of fear of retribution, said it took about two weeks to organize the event.
“I’m a graduating senior right now, and seeing these backpacks with red blood on them or these innocent faces, I can’t help but think that I’m so privileged to be able to experience my education at a university,” the member said.
Maryam Farahmand-Asil, UC Berkeley alumna and assistant professor at Northeastern University, first approached Ahlul Bayt Student Association and other student groups to organize the event.
Farahmand-Asil had been planning the event for more than a month with the intention to raise campus awareness of the missile strike.
“About 168 students were killed on a strike in just one day, during school time — they didn’t know that the war happened,” Farahand-Asil said. “We want to raise awareness to all the students … So when they see what’s happened, they just search and they see how they can help.”
Another student group that helped organize the event was the campus chapter of Students for Justice in Palestine.
A member of SJP, who requested anonymity because of fear of retribution, highlighted Sproul as a “great and accessible space” to hold the vigil.
Fateme D. Montazeri, a scholar at campus’s Center for Middle Eastern Studies, said she connected with the event on a personal level.
“I have long followed violence in the Middle East, but this one reached me differently,” Montazeri said. “Was it because the children of Minab spoke my mother tongue? … For the first time, I could not maintain the distance between what I knew and what I felt.”
Translation is a 5-step process of “straight thinking in the abstract” comparing and contrasting what seems to be truth with what you can syllogistically, axiomatically and mathematically (using word equations) prove is the truth. It is not an effort to change, alter or heal anything other than our consciousness.
The claims in a Translation should be outrageous and mind-blowing, but they are always (or should always be) based on self-evident syllogistic reasoning. Here is one Translation from this week.
1) Truth is that which is so. That which is not truth is not so. Therefore Truth is all that is. Truth being all is therefore total, therefore whole, therefore complete, therefore perfect. I think, therefore I am. Since I am and since Truth is all that is, I cannot be outside of all that is, therefore I, being, am Truth. Since I being am Truth therefore I, being, have all the attributes of Truth. Therefore I, being, am total, whole, complete, perfect. Since I am Truth and since I am mind (self-evident), therefore truth is Mind. (Two things being equal to a third thing are equal to each other.)
2) Inflammation is programmed to detect foreigners or dangers or injuries to the body, sometimes foreigners or dangers or injuries long past.
Word-tracking:
inflammation: white blood cells sort of like policemen or guards
foreign: strange, outside, outsider
danger: power, jurisdiction, master or a lord (etymology)
jurisdiction: “I say what’s right.”
lord: person with power
injury: wrong, injustice, insult (to jump on)
past: already occurred, beyond in time, space, or range
body: the totality of something as in the body of work
3) Truth being all has no limit, therefore there is nothing beyond Truth in time, space, or range. Therefore Truth has no past tense OR Truth is the limitless present. Truth being all that is, there can be no power other than all that is, therefore Truth is the only Lord. Truth being the only Lord is therefore the only power, jurisdiction, or master. Truth being all that is, there is nothing foreign in Truth, therefore Truth is all domestic OR Truth is at home everywhere. Since Truth is the only power, therefore Truth is the only jurisdiction. Therefore Truth is the only authority to say what’s right. Since Truth is true, therefore right, therefore there is no injustice, injury or wrong in Truth. Therefore Truth is justice and that which is not justice is not so. Therefore Justice is all that is. Since justice is all that is, there is no need to guard against injustice or injury, therefore there is no inflammation in truth. Truth being all that is and therefore one, therefore the only body is the infinite body of Truth.
4) Truth has no past tense OR Truth is the limitless present.
Truth is the only Lord.
Truth is the only power, jurisdiction, or master.
Truth is all domestic OR Truth is at home everywhere.
Truth is the only jurisdiction.
Truth is the only authority to say what’s right.
Truth is justice.
Justice is all that is.
There is no inflammation in truth.
The only body is the infinite body of Truth.
5) The infinite body of Truth is Lord, the only power, jurisdiction or master, at home everywhere.
For information about Translation or other Prosperos classes go to: https://www.theprosperos.org/teaching.
Weekly Invitational Translation Group invites your participation. If you would like to submit a Translation on any subject, feel free to send your weekly Translation to zonta1111@aol.com and we will anonymously post it on the Bathtub Bulletin on Friday.
Or, if you have taken Translation class, join us each Saturday for Translation Saturday Meeting at 11 a.m. Pacific time for current, up-to-the-minute Translations on the issues of the day. Email zonta1111@aol.com for the Zoom link.
May 2: 11:00 AM – 12:00 PM PST
Mike Zonta, H.W., M.
In a crisis — any crisis — The Prosperos offers Translation. Translation Saturday Meetings is a weekly series of Translation presentations by veteran Translators, live and up to date on the issues of the day.
It is not a Translation workshop, It is not a Translation class. It is not a group Translation in the usual sense, though group participation is encouraged.
It is, however, restricted to those who have taken Translation class. So if you have never taken Translation class, check the calendar tab on The Prosperos website (TheProsperos.org) or get in touch with us and we will schedule a class.
Last week our sense testimony was: Arguments and misunderstandings and war. How are these possible? And our conclusion was: The inclusion of all viewpoints is Truth.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – See you there!!! – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Here’s the link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/81749347119
For more info and link to join please email Mike Zonta at:
President Lyndon Johnson and Senator J. William Fulbright inspect Richard Anuszkiewicz’s 1963 painting Squaring the Circle at the 1965 White House Arts Festival. Photo: Yoichi Okamoto
A.Word.A.Day with Anu Garg
PRONUNCIATION:
MEANING:
idiom: To accomplish what appears to be impossible, especially in satisfying conflicting requirements.
ETYMOLOGY:
From the classical geometric problem of constructing, using only a compass and straightedge, a square equal in area to a given circle. Earliest documented use: 1624.
NOTES:
In classical geometry, to square the circle is to construct a square with the same area as a given circle, using only a compass and straightedge. Mathematicians chased this problem for centuries. In 1882, it was proved impossible to do exactly in a finite number of steps. That has not stopped people, in mathematics or elsewhere, from trying. Anyone who still tries to solve this problem is being completely irrational (just like π).
USAGE:
“I understand, Terence, what a dilemma you had: there seemed no way to square the circle.”
S.R. White; White Ash Ridge; Headline; 2024.