by Eric March (upworthy.com)
Love songs are where we get our passion, our soul — and most of our worst ideas.
Throughout human history, oceans have been crossed, mountains have been scaled, and great families have blossomed — all because of a few simple chords and a melody that inflamed a heart and propelled it on a noble, romantic mission.
On the other hand, that time you told that girl you just started seeing that you would “catch a grenade” for her? You did that because of a love song. And it wasn’t exactly a coincidence that she suddenly decided to “lose your number” and move back to Milwaukee to “figure some stuff out.”
That time you held that boom box over your head outside your ex’s house? You did that because of a love song. And 50 hours of community service later, you’re still not back together.
Love songs are great. They make our hearts beat faster. They inspire us to take risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give us terrible, terrible ideas about how actual, real-life human relationships should work.
They’re amazing. So amazing. And also terrible.
Here are six love songs that sound romantic but aren’t, and one song that doesn’t sound romantic but totally is:
1. “God Only Knows,” by The Beach Boys
You can keep your “Surfin’ Safaris,” your “I Get Arounds,” and your “Help me Rhondas.”
When it comes to The Beach Boys, “God Only Knows” is where it’s at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy melody. A tie-dye swirl of sound. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the most heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.
Here’s why it sounds romantic:
I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I’ll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I’d be without you
If you’re traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your beloved and not playing “God Only Knows” on your iPod, you should really stop and start over.
If you’re lazily bumping a beach ball over a volleyball net and “God Only Knows” isn’t playing somewhere in the back of your mind, you need to rethink the choices that got you to this point.
If you’re a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you’re not underscoring it with the opening chords of “God Only Knows,” you are doing it wrong.
It’s a song that just feels like love. Pure love. Young love. Love with a chill, kelp-y vibe.
What could be wrong with that?
Here’s why it’s actually really, really unromantic:
There’s nothing wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-top notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their hair as they fall asleep while you whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.
But there is such a thing as loving someone a skosh too much.
If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me?
Look, I get it. Breakups suck. There’s no getting around that. But good God.
There’s a huge difference between saying: “Hey babe, you are my first and foremost everything and I’ll be bummed if you go.” And saying: “Welp, you accepted that job in Seattle, so I’m just gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and call it a life.”
But that’s pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line…
God only knows what I’d be without you
…horror-movie creepy. Because the answer, apparently, is: “I’d be a corpse!”
That’s not love. That’s codependency (to put it mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn’t loving. It’s a form of emotional abuse.
Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in any relationship — one that, by definition, might one day end — is putting a lot of eggs in one basket. Sure, God may only know what you’d be without her, but God probably also hopes you have, I don’t know, some hobbies. Take a yoga class. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.
One person cannot be anyone’s be-all and end-all. It’s too stressful. And it prevents you from doing you, which is a thing that’s gotta be done before you can do anything else.
No wonder she took that job in Seattle.
2. “Treasure,” by Bruno Mars
Sure, it’s a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson song you’ve ever heard. But, we don’t have Michael Jackson anymore, and as tribute acts go, you could do a lot worse than Bruno Mars.
Here’s why the song sounds romantic:
Treasure, that is what you are
Honey, you’re my golden star
You know you can make my wish come true
If you let me treasure you
If you let me treasure you
Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an eighth-grade make-out party and you’ll likely get an instant toll pass on the highway to tongue-town (ew).
Pass them to your spouse and, chances are, date night is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-yet-passionate frenching.
Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a stop sign, and they will think you’re weird — but probably still make out with you.
In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to make out with America because of this song.
And I’m OK with that.
But, here’s why “Treasure” isn’t as romantic as it seems:
Everything about “Treasure” is retro. Everything.
Including its attitudes about gender.
Things start to go south right from the very beginning:
Give me your, give me your, give me your attention, baby
I gotta tell you a little something about yourself
Ah yes. Nothing screams “respect” quite like a man lecturing a strange woman on the street about something she “doesn’t know about herself.”
What could it be? Could it be that her jokes are funny? Could it be that she’s got something in her teeth? Could it be that her nonfiction book about early modern German history is extremely detailed and informative?
Spoiler Alert: It’s none of those.
You’re wonderful, flawless, ooh, you’re a sexy lady
But you walk around here like you wanna be someone else
Oh. It’s that she’s sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.
Word of advice? Regardless of how she’s walking, the lady knows she’s sexy. Even if she doesn’t, it really doesn’t affect her day-to-day so much that you, a complete stranger, need to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).
So what if she does want to be someone else? I’d love to be someone else! I think being Ryan Gosling would be quite nice. A good way to spend a three-day weekend.
And then later, of course, the narrator can’t help himself:
Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, you should be smiling
A girl like you should never look so blue.
He respects her so much, he’s actually straight-up telling her to smile! Much like Mars’ character “Uptown Funk,” who appears to get off on angrily exhorting girls to “hit [their] hallelujah.” Which, you know, I guess everybody’s got a thing.
Yes, in the world of “Treasure,” a healthy relationship is an unending stream of a man complimenting a strange woman and said woman being so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses “the sex.”
He then proceeds to talk to his potential lover like the world’s creepiest pirate:
You are my treasure, you are my treasure
You are my treasure, yeah, you, you, you, you are
You are my treasure, you are my treasure
You are my treasure, yeah, you, you, you, you are
By this point, in his mind, she’s a literal thing. An object. Which is fitting.
I suppose it could be worse, though. At least she’s not just any thing.
That’s … something, right?
3. “Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right,” by Bob Dylan
For as long as humans have been dating each other, humans have been breaking up with each other. And “Don’t Think Twice” is a portrait of a relationship going down in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.
Here’s why it sounds romantic:
Well, it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe
Even you don’t know by now
And it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It’ll never do somehow
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window, and I’ll be gone
You’re the reason I’m a-traveling on
But don’t think twice, it’s all right.
Boom. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation like whoa.
“Don’t Think Twice” is a raw song. An honest song. A powerful song. It’s the song your older sister played on continuous loop for six months after her boyfriend left for college. The song that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to leave her bank-teller job, load her four Australian shepherds into the van, and open a wind chime store in Mendocino. The song your friend’s cool dad always wants to play when he invited your high school band over to his apartment to jam.
Sure, it’s about the end of a relationship, but it sounds romantic. And at the end of the day, shouldn’t that be enough?
Here’s why it’s actually sooooo messed up:
Relationships end. For a lot of reasons. And while there is no right way to call it quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties can certainly benefit from a difficult, honest discussion about what went wrong.
In “Don’t Think Twice,” that discussion basically boils down to: “It’s your fault.”
Let’s review the reasons the dude in “Don’t Think Twice” is splitting with his lady friend:
I gave her my heart, but she wanted my soul
Ugh, women, right? You’re all like, “Babe, I just have so much unspecified love to give,” and she’s like, “Take out the trash!” And you’re like, “But baaaaaaabe, shouldn’t my heart be enough?” And she’s like, “No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole house, fed the dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the week. All I need you to do is take out the trash.” And you’re like, “You’re bumming me out. I’m gonna go play guitar.” And then she gets all mad! What did you do? Why is she trying to change you? UGH!
You could have done better, but I don’t mind
Yes. You do mind! You mind! You wrote a song about it, you passive-aggressive prick.
You just kinda wasted my precious time
Ah yes. Your time is so precious! Think about all the hours you wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of human partnership when you could have been futzing around with that home-brew kit.
The minute you start breaking it down, the message of “Don’t Think Twice” suddenly starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sister’s ex-boyfriend, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in town for a while and now might be in jail. Like your aunt’s wind chime store, which would have closed forever ago had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the ’80s. Like your friend’s cool dad, who wasn’t exactly, technically, paying child support.
Oh yeah, and the song’s narrator also point-blank refers woman he’s leaving as:
A child, I’m told
That’s right. In addition to being a run-of-the-mill passive-aggressive jerk — turns out, he’s also possibly a pedophile.
Even if we are to accept that this is a metaphor and she’s not actually a child — which there’s no indication it is, but OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly choose an immature partner reflects way more poorly on him than it does on her.
Breaking up with anyone in such a cruel, dismissive way is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.
Which, I suppose, may be the point.
Continue reading 6 songs that seem romantic but aren’t, and one that seems like it isn’t but is. →