Wednesday 10:05AM (theonion.com)
THE HEAVENS—Expressing annoyance at losing nearly a millennium of good work following the discovery, The Lord God Almighty was reportedly frustrated Wednesday after a Google search revealed that octopuses already exist. “Goddamnit, I’ve been filling up Moleskins with sketches of suction cup-covered tentacles and spineless bodies for centuries and no one thought to tell me this had already been done—unbelievable,” said The Supreme Being, who became visibly disappointed after typing “beak suction 8 legs” into His laptop’s browser, resulting in thousands of images of a marine mollusk exactly matching the planned creation. “When this crazy eight-legged monster came to me in a dream, I thought ‘There’s no way anyone already came up with something this far out.’ Boy, I could not have been more wrong. Octopus is a much better name than flibberflap, too. No wonder St. Peter was acting all cagey when I mentioned my idea for this crazy creature.” At press time, God had decided to just add a few legs and the ability to squirt ink and hope that he could chalk up any other similarities to convergent thinking.