THE HEAVENS—Saying He was surprised and intrigued by the sudden new insight into His divine heritage, the Lord God Almighty told reporters Thursday He had recently learned He was 25% Puerto Rican. “I honestly had no idea, but it turns out My mom’s dad was a Puerto Rican man,” said the Maker of Heaven and Earth, who remarked that He had always wanted to visit Puerto Rico and that discovering he was Boricua would be a great motivator for Him to finally make the trip. “Unfortunately, I know very little about this rich culture I’m a part of, so I have some catching up to do. So far I’ve been listening to a lot of Lin-Manuel Miranda, who I realize is American and wasn’t actually born in Puerto Rico—but I have to start somewhere, and I don’t speak a word of Spanish.” At press time, God had reportedly tried mofongo from a takeout place and declared it “pretty great.”
The Onion • Aug 1, 2014 Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Medical experts announce that an Ebola vaccine is at least 50 white people away from being developed, a new poll finds a majority of the CIA is now ready to install a female world leader, and a sex toy is discreetly shipped in a plain dildo-shaped box. It’s the week of August 1, 2014.
THE HEAVENS—Admitting that His heavenly dictates had made the Franciscan friar suffer enough, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly threw celibate monk Roberto Nevastri a pity wet dream this week. “He’s been so good resisting temptation and respecting chastity over the past few decades that the least I could do is give the poor guy a little release,” said God, adding that seeing the stern expression on Nevastri’s face as he slumbered in his dormitory had convinced the deity that sending the monk a few erotic dreams that culminated in a nocturnal emission wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. “As far as wet dreams go, I can make it pretty tame. It’s been about five years since his last one. So all I have to do is let him fantasize about having missionary-style sex with an anonymous woman for a few brief, joyous seconds. Man, it’s going to absolutely blow his mind.” At press time, God added that He would, of course, also make the monk’s mind fill with a pervading sense of guilt after he awoke to discover his involuntary ejaculation staining the bed sheets.
THE HEAVENS—Stressing the act amounted to spitting directly on His holy edicts, the Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, announced Monday that He was still a little pissed off every time a human takes a bite from an apple. “Look, I know they probably don’t mean it, but I never told humanity they were allowed to start chowing down on the Forbidden Fruit after the Garden of Eden, and, frankly, it’s a little annoying that they’re still doing that,” said He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, adding that He would often see red and feel the righteous urge to smite any human He witnessed casually cutting up a Golden Delicious or Granny Smith. “I’d never do anything rash, obviously. But it’s disrespectful. I’m really at my wit’s end here. It’s not like I can expel them from Paradise again. I guess I could issue a new commandment or flood the Earth again—but I just genuinely feel like they should have gotten the picture the first time. Meanwhile, they’re out picking apples every week and having a blast like it’s nothing. It’s so frustrating: apple pies, apple sauce, apple galettes. It all just raises my hackles. Sorry, but it’s true. I hate it. I hate it so much.” God added that maybe humanity and Satan could bond over their love of apples when they’re all burning in Hell.
HEAVEN—Saying He guessed His love language was just acts of service, the Lord God, He Who Commanded Light To Shine From The Darkness, admitted Tuesday that He is still a little flattered when someone kills in His name. “Yeah, I know, I know—people shouldn’t do it, but I can’t help but feel a bit touched when someone blows up a couple dozen people in a crowded marketplace just for little old Me,” said the Divine Creator, adding that when He got down in the dumps, it was a real pick-me-up to be reminded that He was worth beheading, slaughtering, or gunning down tens of thousand of innocents over. “I know it’s bad. People really shouldn’t kill. But what can I say? I appreciate the attention. Especially genocides. I mean, it’s hard not to blush when someone is killed on an altar for you.” God added, however, that nothing would ever beat the confidence boost he received several millennia ago when one of His followers tried to sacrifice a son for Him.
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