Tag Archives: Gabor Maté

Trauma

Gabor Maté: We choose partners with same level of trauma resolution

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Renowned trauma expert Dr. Gabor Maté often states that couples unconsciously choose partners who are at the exact same level of emotional development and trauma resolution as they are. Rather than identical traumas, partners usually share complementary wounds—acting as mutual mirrors or triggers for each other’s unresolved childhood pain. Instagram·needtotalk +4

Maté explains that while initial attraction is often based on shared interests or humor, the subconscious also seeks out a partner to “fix” or receive the unconditional love that was missed in childhood. This makes long-term relationships a delicate balance between a supportive “shield” against the world and a “magnifier” that highlights personal insecurities. Facebook·We Need To Talk +2

Because partners share a similar baseline of past hurt, one of three things usually happens in a relationship as they navigate life: 

  • The Trap: Both partners continuously blame each other or expect the other to rescue them from their own unresolved distress. 
  • The Split: If one partner begins doing the “work” to grow and heal, and the other refuses to evolve, the relationship often breaks apart. Intagram·needtotalk
  • The Crucible: If both partners recognize the patterns and take responsibility for their own reactions, the relationship becomes a vehicle for mutual healing and growth. YouTube·GROWTH™ +1

To explore how these unconscious childhood attachment templates dictate adult relationship dynamics, you can read more via the Musixmatch Podcasts discussion.

Would you like to explore how these relationship dynamics manifest in your own life, or are you looking for advice on how to communicate about these triggers?

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A Bedtime Story from Dr. Gabor Maté

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Once upon a time, our wholeness was lost to us when our all-star team of inner friends—Guilt, Self-Hatred, Suppression, Denial, and the rest—came aboard to keep us safe. We were barely involved in the hiring process, and mostly we didn’t notice them as they went about their business. Like a cadre of reality-TV design experts, they set about remodeling our personalities so that we’d make it out of childhood in one piece: beautifying certain rooms and boarding up others, installing alarms, locking the cellar door. But their success at keeping us intact required that we emerge into adulthood withcore parts of ourselves walled off. They were good at their  jobs. 

After many years of living in this stuffy, segmented home, we came to long for a more spacious, better-ventilated existence. So we thanked the experts for their service, and sent them out for a well-deserved sandwich. And we devoted ourselves gently but diligently to a new task, the literal antidote to the psychic dismemberment required of us long,long ago: the task of remembering ourselves.

—The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté with Daniel Maté