Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 17, 2019 (

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You’ve never really thought of yourself as a cat person, but the splicing and DNA re-sequencing will soon change all of that.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

The rise of Jupiter in your sign can only mean one thing! Let the stars know what it is once you look it up.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

When life seems grim and all hope is but a distant memory, why not try weeping uncontrollably in the shower? After all, it works for your husband.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

The stars fucking give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Sure, a spoonful of sugar may make the medicine go down, but if it’s suppositories you’re struggling with, the spoon isn’t going to help.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but as far as you’re concerned, crap like that is for people who can get out of bed.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

This week try wearing less makeup when you leave the house, even if it means angering the other members of KISS.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

While being a good friend means telling the truth, you’ll soon realize that being a true friend means keeping your mouth shut.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

E.B. White always believed that punctuation should be used sparingly. But then, E.B. White was—let’s face it—a “pompous fuck”

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

If you pledge to Cancer at the $50 membership level, not only will you be supporting quality predictions in the future, but you’ll also receive this handsome Cancer tote bag.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Remember: It’s all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill

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