Aries
One of the worst moments of a person’s life is when they finally realize that they’re mortal and are going to die, especially when it’s a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.
Taurus
You’ve been looking for true love for so long now that you’ve forgotten to do anything else, which should give you a clue as to why you didn’t enjoy Comic-Con.
Gemini
You just don’t see what place slingshots have in today’s modern world, which is yet another reason why you are such a terrible parent.
Cancer
Your irrational fear of sharks will disappear forever this week and be replaced with an extremely educated and informed fear of sharks.
Leo
The universe would like to thank you for your participation, hopes you know that you were really great, and wishes you luck in all your future endeavors.
Virgo
You’ll probably be surprised how quickly you become used to your new life, but then again, since you’ll leave most of your frontal lobe back in your old life, maybe you won’t be.
Libra
Your theory that, “After this, they won’t dare to elect another one of those bastards,” sounds hopeful, but it flies in the face of everything we’ve learned in the past 20 years.
Scorpio
You’re generous to a fault, that fault being that you’ve acquired a reputation as the guy who always comes up with the ransom money.
Sagittarius
You’ll uncover startling proof that there, is in fact, nothing more to life than sitting around watching True Blood all day.
Capricorn
The events of your life will continue to uncannily mirror those depicted in the film Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Next week: Hôtel Terminus.
Aquarius
Please try to keep in mind that high summer temperatures do not indicate the end of the world. The magma flowing up from the cracks in the earth, however, bear thinking about.