PublishedMonday 4:00PM (TheOnion.com)

VATICAN CITY—Once more advancing his vision of a more inclusive church, Pope Francis reportedly broke with longstanding Roman Catholic doctrine Monday when he pressed his face against a steamy glass door in fervent approval of same-sex showers. “After careful consideration of what dirty, dirty boys they are, I see no reason why the faithful cannot show their support of people of the same sex standing together beneath the hot spray of a showerhead and lathering each other up,” said the pontiff, his face flushed and his heavy breath fogging up the glass as he stated that God’s blessing extended not only to men bathing together, but also to women eagerly sudsing up the breasts of other women. “The church welcomes same-sex couples giving their tight asses a bit of a jiggle and, mmm, yeah, maybe even pressing them up against the glass little? Yeah, that’s it.” Francis added that while today’s declaration did not alter the church’s rule that all forms of masturbation are sinful, he had just at this very moment issued a hastily scrawled encyclical decreeing that it was perfectly acceptable for the pope to cum really hard right now.