Friendship Buckles Under Strain Of Single Sincere Moment

Yesterday 7:00AM (theonion.com)

NASHUA, NH—Indicating that the unfortunate occurrence had done irreparable damage, sources confirmed Friday that the friendship between local men Ben Cowsill and Jared Leon had buckled under the strain of a single sincere moment. Reports maintained that despite knowing one another for nearly 20 years, Cowsill and Leon would never be able to return to the comfortable friendship they’d enjoyed following Cowsill’s momentary display of vulnerability, and it was likely that they would never be able to look each other in the face ever again. The friendship, established in middle school, had continued amiably until a tragic moment at the Barge Inn Wednesday night when sources overheard Cowsill tell Leon “Love you, man,” when they were less than two beers deep, the first single instance of true honesty and openness between the pair. It reportedly severed their camaraderie forever. Other members of the friend group, including Carl Daley and Lindsay Smith, confirmed that while the two had formed a tight bond since being seated next to each other in seventh-grade math class, which flourished through high school, their four years attending the University of New Hampshire, and then both moving back home, where they met up several times a week to play poker or watch basketball, the brutally earnest moment of genuine feeling was too much for the friendship to survive. At press time, sources close to Cowsill confirmed that his carefully crafted text reading “What’s up man, I was so trashed the other night I barely remember anything” had received no reply from Leon.

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