Graphic: The Onion
MANAUS, BRAZIL—Widespread human-caused fires that have decimated over 1,300 square miles of Amazon rainforest in the year 2019 alone revealed a small tribe of isolated rich sociopaths who are completely untouched by consequence, sources confirmed Tuesday. “As the impact of deforestation continues to grow, a team studying the area located a tiny society of wealthy agribusiness executives and financiers who have never before been visited by any ramifications for their actions,” said anthropologist Cameron Hunt, adding that researchers were working to assemble more information about this remote group of oppressors, but had managed to identify a few of them as Blackstone CEO Stephen Schwarzman, AgroSB co-founder Daniel Dantas, and meat-processing magnate Joesley Batista as well as executives from JPMorgan Chase, Barclays, BNP Paribas, Credit Suisse, BlackRock, and State Street. “Although this uncontacted tribe of affluent sociopaths represents an important anthropological discovery, since we’ve never seen people with so little remorse or empathy, they have almost no connection to modern society and simply don’t understand our way of life, so eliminating rainforest cover could put them at risk. Of course, living in a totally isolated bubble means that they’ll fight back against any integration efforts, so we have to proceed with caution. It’s important to remember that while we may not yet understand their greedy and reckless lifestyle, it’s theirs, and they want to preserve it.” At press time, multiple world leaders and the International Monetary Fund had pledged to fund humanitarian efforts to ensure Amazon deforestation doesn’t affect the isolated tribe of sociopaths’ desire to continue living without repercussions.