Friday 12:34PM (theonion.com)
WASHINGTON—Calling the method a convenient way to air negative emotions without embarrassing consequences, the American Psychiatric Association recommended Friday that serial killers try getting out their feelings by writing taunting letters to investigators without ever sending them. “Whenever a serial killer feels frustration about the incompetence of a detective, they can simply put down their feelings in writing—maybe in their own blood or bodily fluid—and then stow it safely away in a desk drawer,” said APA psychologist Dr. Maria Schlesinger, describing how cathartic it can be for deranged and psychotic murderers to spend a few minutes cutting out words from newspapers to form elliptical clues leading to the site of their grisly murder without tipping off the authorities. “This method lets criminally insane individuals vent their annoyance towards the police, but it won’t get them into nearly as much hot water as sending an actual letter to the local newspaper. In fact, once they get their feelings down on the page, many serial killers feel so much relief that they actually cackle maniacally for hours.” Schlesinger also encouraged serial killers to include flourishes in the letter like a victim’s severed thumb or penis if it helps to honestly express their feelings.