Man Returning From Near-Death Experience Recalls Angels Making Him Sign NDA

June 20, 2025 Mike Zonta Leave a comment

Published: June 19, 2025 (TheOnion.com)

HOUSTON—Recounting the deeply spiritual event as one that was life-changing but contractually difficult to articulate, area man Kyle Hartsfield recalled angels asking him to sign a nondisclosure agreement following a near-death experience, sources confirmed Thursday. “It was incredible, and I really wish I could talk about it,” said Hartsfield, describing the series of events in which he lost consciousness only to be awoken by an angel stoically sliding a stack of legal papers across a desk for him to sign. “I saw a blinding white light, I felt a warm glow envelop my body, and I can’t legally say more than that at this time. Heaven was beautiful, though. Somehow I felt both outside my body yet very calm—but I shouldn’t even be telling you that. I remember seeing a vision of St. Peter leaning down to whisper in my ear that he would destroy me if I ever revealed anything. I wasn’t religious before, but now I definitely believe in NDAs.” At press time, Hartsfield was reportedly able to share the detail that there was beautiful harp music playing in heaven’s lobby.

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“[T]herefore have I uttered that I understood not; things too wonderful for me, which I knew not.”
–Job 42:3 (King James Version)

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–French proverb

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“We cannot go to our self by discipline or effort; we go there by love and surrender.”
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“And Jesus said unto him, Why callest thou me good? none is good, save one, that is, God.”
–Luke 18:19 (King James version)

“Therefore have I uttered that I understood not; things too wonderful for me, which I knew not.”
–Job 42:3

“It may be that all dreams are precognitive.”
–Eric Wargo

“When the Real Self speaks, the body listens.”
–Jacob Needleman

“To begin with, we seem to be in the world, then the world seems to be in us, and finally the distinction between our self and the world dissolves.”
–Rupert Spira

“People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.”
–Albert Einstein

“Sexuality is something you let in. It’s not something you let out.”
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“Abbreviation for Infinite Mind: I.M. Abbreviation for Infinite Consciousness: I.C. Abbreviation for Infinite Being: I.B.”
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–Declaration of Independence

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“I did then what I knew to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
–Maya Angelou

“Premeditation, the time spent procrastinating before meditation.”
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–Walter Lanyon in London Notes and Lectures

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“Truth is that which is so, and that’s all you need to know.”
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“I dwell in possibility”
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“It’s not enough for a woman to be pregnant.
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“Hugging is a form of meditation.”
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“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.”
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“Non-existence is an oxymoron. How can something which does not exist exist?”
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“The only true aristocracy is that of consciousness.”
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“Love disobeys all the rules.”
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“The world is not here to make you happy. It’s here to make you conscious.”
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“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
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“There are decades where nothing happens; and there are weeks where decades happen.”
–Vladimir Lenin

“Go fearward.”
–Thane of Hawaii

“What is the ontological response to fight, flight or freeze? BE.”
–Mike Zonta, H.W., M.

“Translation is the poetry of the Universe.”
–Richard Branam

“Peacocks strut around because they cannot fly.”
–Dr. Cornel West

“We cannot evolve any faster than we evolve our language because you cannot go to places that you cannot describe.”
–Terence McKenna

“A word after a word after a word is power.”
–Margaret Atwood

“You have to fall in love with hanging around words.”
–John Ciardi

“Energy is primary. Personification is secondary.”
–Joseph Campbell

“Everything is connected. Everything has meaning.”
–Thane of Hawaii

“None of you knows what creativity means. To paint a picture, to write a poem? No! To recast one’s whole age, to impose upon it the stamp of one’s will, to fill it with beauty, to overwhelm it, to overpower it with one’s spirit.”
–Christian Morgenstern, German poet

“Just as the same city viewed from different directions appears entirely different … there are, as it were, just as many different universes, which are, nevertheless, only perspectives on a single one, corresponding to the different points of view.”
–Gottfried Leibniz

“We do not tame Truth. Truth tames us.”
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“Truth is the Law of Contradiction, rendering null and void falsidity.”
–Richard Branam

“Shift your sense of identity from the person you experience yourself to be to the awareness that is aware of that person.”
–Ben Gilberti, H.W., M.

“Falling in love is a form of mystical envisioning in which one sees the beloved as he or she is seen through the eyes of God.”
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“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
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“One is never less alone than when alone.”
–from the movie “Into Great Silence”

“If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to abuse one.”
–from the movie “Spotlight”

“Truth is in the constant process of renewing Itself.”
–Richard Branam

“Translation is comfort food for the soul.”
–Sunday Night Translation Group

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”
–Anais Nin

“I’m okay with a US Space Force. But what we need most is a Truth Force — one that defends against all enemies of accurate information, both foreign & domestic.”
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“The ego gets what it wants with words. The soul finds what it needs in silence.”
–Richard Rohr

“The power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one’s mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them… To tell deliberate lies while genuinely believing in them, to forget any fact that has become inconvenient, and then, when it becomes necessary again, to draw it back from oblivion for just so long as it is needed, to deny the existence of objective reality and all the while to take account of the reality which one denies – all this is indispensably necessary. Even in using the word doublethink it is necessary to exercise doublethink. For by using the word one admits that one is tampering with reality; by a fresh act of doublethink one erases this knowledge; and so on indefinitely, with the lie always one leap ahead of the truth.”
―George Orwell, Nineteen Eighty-Four

“Man is in love with conclusions.”
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“Question: How old is being? Answer: It’s not.”
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“Critique of one’s body without regard to the context of one’s psyche is a form of pornography.”
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“I am a Dictionary.”
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“Someone with little regard for relative truth can hardly be expected to have great regard for universal truth.”
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“Our job is to make the Universal Unconscious conscious.”
–Mike Zonta, H.W., M.

“Let’s undo each other.”
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“Translation is ‘magical thinking’ based on self-evident axioms and syllogistic reasoning (which is to say that Translation is not magical thinking at all).”
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–George Bernard Shaw

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–Krishnamurti

“Belief in ego is the Antichrist.”
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“Love is the perfume of Truth.”
–Robert McEwen, H.W., M.

“The traditional ethical precept about anger is sometimes translated as not to get angry, but in modern Soto Zen Buddhism, we say not to harbor ill will.”
–Taigen Dan Leighton.

“Anger is traditionally thought to be close to wisdom. When not projected outward onto others or inward toward the self, it gives us the necessary energy and clarity to understand what needs to be done.”
–Thanissara Mary Weinberg.

“Being has no past, no future, only the endless, beginningless Present.”
–Mike Zonta, H.W., M.

“Truth moves at the speed of now.”
–Mike Zonta, H.W., M.

“Here cometh April again, and as far as I can see the world hath more fools in it than ever.”
– Charles Lamb

“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape one hundred days of sorrow.”
– Rainer Maria Rilke

“Everything has been figured out, except how to live.”
– Jean-Paul Sartre

“Show up. Dive in. Keep at it.”
– Barack Obama

“Give me some TRUTH!”
–Seen on a bumper sticker in Redondo Beach, CA

“At times I think and at times I am.”
–Paul Valéry

“I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for truth – and truth rewarded me.”
–Simone de Beauvoir

“The Cosmic Intention is to evolve from a thing to a think.”
–Melissa Goodnight, H.W., M.

“It is so respectful to not get involved in somebody else’s angst.”
–Hanz Bolen, H.W., M.

“There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
–Leonard Cohen, from his song “Anthem”

“Handsome is as handsome does.”
–Proverb

“If you are not admiring a young man, you are abusing him.”
–Robert Graves

“Voting is a spiritual activity.”
–Mike Zonta, H.W., M.

“[B]y man came death. [By God comes life].”
–I Corinthians 15:21

“The inner children of the past shut up when you listen to them.”
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“It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.”
–R.W. Emerson

“We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty.”
–Mother Teresa

“Loneliness is the poverty of self, solitude is the richness of self.”
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“Nothing that you lose is real. Nothing that is real can ever be lost.”
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“Man will not be satisfied until he is everywhere equally present.”
–Al Haferkamp, H.W., M.

“Human consciousness is how the universe understands itself.”
–Joe Ciriello, H.W., m

“Gravity is a matter of interest.”
–Brian Wallenstein, H.W., d.

“There is NO gender to art.”
–Brian Wallenstein, H.W., d.

“What was once invention is now convention.”
–Brian Wallenstein, H.W., d.

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on, but once it gets its pants on, watch out!!!”
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“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.”
–Philo of Alexandria

“You can’t change your shoes while you’re standing in them.”
–Hanz Bolen, H.W., M.

“We think it’s the material world that survives us when we die, but without us (Consciousness) there would be no material world in the first place.”
–Mike Zonta, H.W., M.

“Solitude is the cure for loneliness.”
–Caroline Casey, The Visionary Activist

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“God is a lot more complex than we know. And a lot sexier.’
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“The conscious mind has never won an argument with the unconscious.”
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“Do you know what Theodore Roosevelt said about hunting grizzly bears? The thrill is in overcoming your own fear.”
— Cool Lester Smooth from “The Wire”

“God is a circle whose center is everywhere and circumference nowhere.”
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“All real living is meeting.”
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“If you knew all this shit [philosophy], you’d be unfuckwithable.”
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“If it’s an essential mission, God sends a team.”
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“I don’t live in a physical world. I live in a world that acts physical.”
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“Handsome is a sort of kindness.”
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“My experiences are temporary, but Truth is eternal”.
–Bulent Tokgoz

“It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.”
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“Translation [and Releasing the Hidden Splendour] is a form of worship.”
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“Never think of results, just do!”
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“The ear longs to hear what the heart already knows.”
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“Occupy Yourself!”
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“Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.”
–Raaj Sharma

“Curb your God.”
–bumper sticker

“When I create art, it’s like holding hands with God.”
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“When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will truly know peace.”
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“I’m the one that has to die when it’s time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to.”
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“In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.”
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“My heart is like a toilet door! There are names marked all over it.”
–from the French film “Toi and Moi”.

“History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”
–Mark Twain

“Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.”
–Henry David Thoreau

“The mind loves truth and so does the body.”
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“I’m afraid of losing my obscurity. Genuineness only thrives in the dark. Like celery.”
–Aldous Huxley

“There is a light that shines beyond all things on earth, beyond the highest, the very highest heavens. This is the light that shines in your heart.”
— Chandogya Upanishad

“Love believes all things and yet is never deceived.”
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“My life is not mine.”
–Rumi

“Every man has inside himself a parasitic being who is acting not at all to his advantage.”
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“Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasure.”
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“Everyone has got some preconceptions, but you have to readjust them in front of reality. Reality has the last word.”
–Henri Cartier-Bresson

“Love? What is it? Most natural pain killer what there is. LOVE.”
–William S. Burrough’s final journal entry

“We acquire the strength we have overcome.”
–Ralph Waldo Emerson

“I am all other men.”
–Schopenhauer

“Man is, that he might have joy.”
–Joseph Smith

“To the man who can perfectly practice inaction, all things are possible.”
–Ernest Holmes in Science of Mind

“People will forget what you say, but they will never forget how you make them feel.”
–Tom Asacker

“We have a right to know the truth; no right to ask anything else from God, but the right to know that.”
— J.M. Barrie in Tommy and Grizel

“If you don’t believe in something greater than yourself, you’ll never do anything greater than yourself.”
–nun on Oprah

“Boredom is the child of self-centeredness.”
–The Grand Lizard Andrews

“There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.”
–Robert Louis Stevenson

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that your life could have been any different.”
–Oprah

“When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.”
–Gracie Allen

“Don’t look at me like I’ve gotten old or something like that.”
–Clint Eastwood

“Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.”
–Martin Luther King Jr.

“Peace is not something you wish for; it’s something you make, something you do, something you are, and something you give away”
–Robert Fulghum

“I REFUSE to participate in a recession.”
–bumper sticker

“We believe . . . different from Wall Street. We believe customer No. 1, employee No. 2, and shareholder No. 3. This is my religion.”
–Jack Ma, Alibaba Group

“Fear is a choice.”
–Kurtis Matthews, San Francisco Comedy College

“Don’t Believe Everything You Think”
–bumper sticker

“One thing that comes out in myths is that at the bottom of the abyss comes the voice of salvation. The black moment is the moment when the real message of transformation is going to come. At the darkest moment comes the light.”
–Joseph Campbell

“When people asked [Jacques Cousteau], ‘Well, Captain, what do you expect to find?’ he always said, ‘If I knew, I wouldn’t go.’”
–Jean-Michel Cousteau, his son

“Let life happen to you. Life is in the right, always.”
–Rainer Maria Rilke

“And, as [Picasso] said, at the end of his life, he was in dialogue with the old masters, Rembrandt, Velasquez, Rubens. He thought he was talking to them and that they were talking back to him through his art.”
–Gary Tinterow, The Met, New York

“The world breaks everyone but afterwards many are strong at the broken places.”
–Ernest Hemingway

“Inside every head is a different world.”
–skateboarder in San Francisco

“Thank God our time is now, when wrong comes up to meet us everywhere, never to leave us till we take the longest stride of soul men ever took.”
–Christopher Fry

“If you’re neurotic and you think, I’m not where I deserve to be or my mother didn’t love me, or blah, blah, blah, that lie, that neurotic vision, takes over your life and you’re plagued by it ’til it’s cleansed. In a play, at the end of the play, the lie is revealed. [T]he better the play is, the more surprising and inevitable the lie is, as Aristotle told us. Plays are about lies.”
–David Mamet

“If you want to be a writer, you don’t want to live in a comfortable place.”
–Benjamin Alire Saenz

“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
–Anais Nin

“Often people think that it’s a question of adrenaline, [that] it’s an adrenaline addiction. I think what they are addicted to essentially is brotherhood. It’s a very healthy impulse that is taking place in a very unhealthy place.”
–Sebastian Junger on troops in combat

“If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.”
–William Blake in The Marriage of Heaven and Hell

“Love well, be loved and do something of value.”
–Aristotle

“Tread softly upon the earth because the faces of the unborn look up at you.”
–James Cameron quoting Brazilian tribal saying

“You don’t attract what you want. You attract what you are.”
–Wayne Dyer

“We will go through the gate. If the gate is closed, we will go over the fence. If the fence is too high, we will pole vault in. If that doesn’t work, we will parachute in.”
–Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi

“Most stuff that is genuine is better left unsaid.”
–J.D. Salinger

“If things don’t seem out of control, you’re not going fast enough.”
— Mario Andretti

“We see things not as they are, but as we are.”
— Anais Nin

“A change in the weather is sufficient to re-create the world and ourselves.”
— Marcel Proust

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.”
— George Bernard Shaw

“. . . the only difference between you and God is that you have forgotten that you are divine.”
— Peter Solomon in The Lost Symbol

“Have an open-mind, but don’t let your brains fall out.”
— Jacob Needleman

“When thought races ahead of Being, a civilization is racing towards destruction.”
— Jacob Needleman in his new book What is God?

“A great man knows he is not God, and the greater he is the better he knows it.”
— G.K. Chesterton

“Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only at night.”
— Edgar Allan Poe

“Give thanks to unknown blessings already on their way.”
— Native American proverb at cafe in San Francisco

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”
–e.e. cummings

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