December 13, 2020 (theonion.com)

OXFORD, ENGLAND—Shedding new light on one of the famed writer’s most celebrated works, literary scholars from the University of Oxford reported Friday that they had discovered an early draft of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol where all four ghosts show up at once and just beat the shit out of Scrooge. “This incredible manuscript shows how Dickens developed the story from his original concept of a gang of malevolent spirits absolutely wailing on Ebenezer Scrooge into the iconic holiday classic we know and love today,” said professor Leah Mulroney, describing how the first draft features the spectral form of Jacob Marley appearing before Scrooge to warn him about the chains he had forged in life before using said chains to choke the miser. “From there, the Ghost Of Christmas Past bashes Scrooge with a candlestick before lifting him up in the air and dropping him at the foot of the Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come who bashes in his skull with a tombstone bearing his own name. After that, the Ghost Of Christmas Present opens his robe to reveal two children, Ignorance and Want, who proceed to kick Scrooge repeatedly in the groin while shouting ‘This one’s for Tiny Tim, bitch.’ It was, in fact, Dickens’ publisher who suggested that he instead focus on the miser’s transformative arc and adjust the original ending where the ghosts paraded Scrooge’s bruised corpse through the streets of London.” Mulroney added that this was the most significant Dickens-related discovery since archivists uncovering a draft of Oliver Twist in which the ravenous orphan bites out Mr. Limbkins’ trachea after being refused more gruel.