Courtesy of William P. Chiles

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. 

To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it. 

When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. 

Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.” 
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.” 

Cop: “Please step out of the car.” 
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.” 

Do you remember being able to get up without making sound effects?

I had my patience tested. I’m negative. 

Just remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it ‘reincarnates’ as 
a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers. 

If you’re sitting in public and the stranger takes the seat next to 
you without ‘social distancing’, just stare straight ahead and whisper, “Did you bring the money?” 

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” 
it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing. 

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight. 

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, 
but whatever. 

I run like the winded. 

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the 
beginning …and don’t know whose side I’m on. 

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint 
and ask, “Why, what have you heard?” 

I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that 
I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells 
me it was awesome. 

TELL ME, when you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery? 
I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember 
things and get really excited. 

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.” 

It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles. 

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. 
Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out. 

You know that moment when you walk into a spider web …that suddenly turns you into a karate master??

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta 
nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. 
We call those people cops. 

Yes, the older I get, the earlier it gets late. 

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.