Paraprosdokians (from the Greek meaning ‘against expectation’) Figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).
Examples
- “Take my wife—please!” —Henny Youngman[10]
- “There but for the grace of God—goes God.” —Winston Churchill[1]
- “If I could just say a few words… I’d be a better public speaker.” —Homer Simpson[11]
- “If I am reading this graph correctly—I’d be very surprised.” —Stephen Colbert[12]
- “On his feet he wore…blisters.” —Aristotle[13]
- “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. This wasn’t it.” —Groucho Marx[14]
- “A modest man, who has much to be modest about.” —Winston Churchill[14]
- “I love going to the park and watching the children run around …because they don’t know I’m using blanks.” —Emo Philips[14]
- “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” —Mitch Hedberg[8][15]
- “I try to get in eight hours of sleep a day …and at least ten at night.” —Bill Hicks[8]
- “I don’t belong to an organized political party. I’m a Democrat.” —Will Rogers[16]
- “On the other hand, you have four fingers and a thumb.” —Steven Wright[10]
- “He was at his best when the going was good.” —Alistair Cooke[1]
MORE FUN:
1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you …but it is still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, many people appear bright, until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, then we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up — At our best, some of us learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing tomatoes are fruit. Wisdom is not putting them in your fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is called research.
9. Point of clarification: I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency, notify…”, if you’re smart you might want to put down “a doctor.”
11. EQUALITY: Women will become equal to men when they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut …while still thinking they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.
…AND IF YOU HAVEN’T HAD ENOUGH:
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way …so I’ve decided to steal a bike and ask for forgiveness.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather …not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
- How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole damned box to start a campfire?
- Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you just can’t help smiling if you see one tumble down the stairs.
- Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars in the universe, but they test you when you say the paint is wet?
- Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president …and 50 for Miss America ?
- Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some really good ideas!
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. Deep down, he won’t expect it back.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
- Money cannot buy happiness, but it sure makes misery a helluva lot easier to live with.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember: the Fire Department uses water.
- Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
- Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
- BUS: a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
- If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do so many people have more than one child?
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine..
- The car stopped on a dime, which unfortunately was in a pedestrian’s pocket.
- Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away and he won’t have any shoes.
- Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse always gets the cheese.
- I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
- A bank is a place that will lend you money, only if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- I have discovered that I scream the same way …whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot..
- If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
- Here are a few more by some of the masters of the art. (Quoting them is not a wholesale endorsement.)
- “I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, not terrified and screaming like his passengers.” — Bob Monkhouse
- “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.” — Henry J. Tillman
- “The saying ‘Getting there is half the fun’ became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.” — Henry J. Tillman
- “A fool and his money are soon elected.” — Will Rogers
- “Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven’t had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.” — Will Rogers (Rob adds: Not to take away from Will Rogers’s brilliant paraprosdokian, but … for the sake of several history buffs who read my blog, Rogers must have made this statement before Harding was elected.)
- “If I am reading this graph correctly, I would be very surprised.” — Stephen Colbert
- “There’s a bunch of different crunches that affect the abs … my favorite is Nestle.” — Shmuel Breban
- “When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.” — Emo Philips
- “I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.” — Jack Handey
- “‘The crows seemed to be calling his name,’ thought Caw.” — Jack Handey
- “It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried.” — Winston Churchill
- “You can always count on Americans to do the right thing — after they’ve tried everything else.”- Winston Churchill
- “A modest man, who has much to be modest about.” — Winston Churchill (said of Clement Attlee)
- “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.” — Groucho Marx
- “She got her good looks from her father; he’s a plastic surgeon.” — Groucho Marx
- “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.” — Groucho Marx
- “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx
- “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” — Groucho Marx
- “If you are going through hell, keep going.” — Winston Churchill
- “You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.” Winston Churchill
Thanks Bill…I needed that!
Love ya…
Jerry