July 29, 2020 (theonion.com)
THE HEAVENS—Admonishing His flock for concerning themselves with human affairs beyond the ballpark, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, reminded angels Wednesday that helping struggling baseball teams was their number-one priority. “If I don’t see you giving a lackluster batter the strength to hit a home run, I’m shipping your ass out,” said the Lord Our Savior, clarifying that MLB players experiencing family strife, which could be solved with a World Series win, should receive priority status. “I understand some of you are new here and want to help poor and sick people, but you need to understand that we focus on scrappy ball clubs. That’s the point of religion. Sure, every now and then I’ll grant a dying child’s wish, but that’s for Me to worry about. You should spend most of your day distracting elite baseball teams, so tenacious underdogs can score off errors.” At press time, God banished six angels from His heavenly kingdom for gambling on the Yankees.