All posts by Mike Zonta

Opinion:  At Harvard, Tom Hanks offered an increasingly rare moment of grace

By Nancy Gibbs

May 31, 2023 at 7:30 a.m. EDT (WashingtonPost.com)

Nancy Gibbs, a former editor in chief of Time magazine, is director of the Shorenstein Center on Media, Politics and Public Policy at Harvard University.

This is a fan letter.

Commencement speeches are trampolines, elevating and entertaining with just enough risk to keep things interesting. So many ways to go wrong — faux erudition from civilians, faux folksiness from scholars, a trap for try-hards who would be crushed to know how few graduates remember a word that was said on graduation day. And usually, that’s no great loss.

But long after I forget what was said, I will remember what was done in a case I got to watch up close, a master class in class and wisdom about the moment we find ourselves in. When Tom Hanks, beloved actor, occasional author, typewriter aficionado and Most Trusted Person in America, spoke at Harvard’s 372nd commencement, he gave a performance in which the unscripted layers surpassed the careful text. And I’m betting those layers left a deeper mark on the more than 9,000 graduating students plus parents and friends who spread out across the quad to watch the show.

Tom Hanks and Jeffery Robinson: How to rig an election — with deadly, racist consequences

Spotlights brighten, spotlights burn, and people such as Hanks who seldom escape the beam are either strengthened or scarred. For a celebrity who has walked many a red carpet, the traditional commencement procession through Harvard Yard was just one more stroll, though, as is often the case with the movie stars you are used to seeing on huge screens, Hanks seemed almost small in the priestly red robe and goofy cap — small and strangely unprotected. No phalanx of guards, no barricades keeping the cameras contained, just a joyous disorderly procession down a winding path lined with very noisy seniors held back by nothing but restraint or respect.

Had he stopped for every selfie request, we’d still be parading in 2027. But neither could he just march in a stately manner, eyes forward, tassel bobbing, as students screamed, “Tom Hanks!” “We love you!” “Run, Forrest, Run!” and chanted and teased and bounced and roared. And so, just often enough, he stopped for a fist bump, a question, where are you from, nice shades, what does that cord mean, teasing back, reaching out, then moving on beneath the gaze of a thousand arching phones.

The language of the academy is increasingly centered on who or what is centered — what voices, what values — and there wasn’t the least doubt, on a day that also honored a Nobel Prize-winning chemist, a magisterial historian, a groundbreaking biochemist, a media pioneer and a four-star admiral, that Dr. Hanks was the center of attention. It takes an astute understanding of human physics to redirect all those energies and center the students. Over and over, he found ways to send the focus back to them, rising from his seat to kneel in awe before Latin orator Josiah Meadows, hugging Vic Hogg — who recounted a harrowing recovery from gunshot wounds suffered during a carjacking — grace notes and gestures aimed at the musicians and speakers whose names he wove into his own remarks, and at the parents whose pride pulsed across the sea of caps and gowns.

Our public square suffers an acute shortage of such acts of grace. Leaders find power and profit in crassness and cruelty, and signal that virtue is for suckers. It’s a cliché that Tom Hanks is “the nicest guy in Hollywood,” that he and his wife of 35 years, Rita Wilson, somehow manage to represent decency at a time when the country is so divided we can’t even agree on who is worth admiring. On a brisk spring day, watching the radioactive level of attention on him, and his ability to refract it into pure joy and shared humanity, was a healing energy in a sorry time. You can imagine that normal comes naturally to some people; but how often do people who are treated as being bigger, better, more special than everyone else resist the temptation to believe it?

And when it was time for Hanks to deliver his formal message, the script, while occasionally overwritten, rhymed with the mission. Flapping banners exalted the university motto, “Veritas,” and Hanks took up the battle cry. “The truth, to some, is no longer empirical. It’s no longer based on data nor common sense nor even common decency,” he said. “Truth is now considered malleable by opinion and by zero-sum endgames. Imagery is manufactured with audacity and with purpose to achieve the primal task of marring the truth with mock logic, to achieve with fake expertise, with false sincerity, with phrases like, ‘I’m just saying. Well, I’m just asking. I’m just wondering.’”

The opposite of love is not hate, Elie Wiesel said, but indifference, and Hanks put the challenge before his audience of rising leaders and explorers, artists and environmentalists, teachers and technologists. “Every day, every year, and for every graduating class, there is a choice to be made. It’s the same option for all grown-ups, who have to decide to be one of three types of Americans,” Hanks said. “Those who embrace liberty and freedom for all, those who won’t, or those who are indifferent.” Bracing as the words were, the actions spoke louder. For those of us in the truth business — which is to say, all of us — it was an actor who never finished college who set a standard we can work to live up to.

washingtonpost.com © 1996-2023 The Washington Post

(Contributed by Michael Kelly, H.W.)

The Trouble Tree

The Trouble Tree 


The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start.

While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. Upon opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tan face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. 

“Oh, that’s my trouble tree”, he replied. “I know I can’t help having trouble on the job, but one thing for sure, troubles don’t belong in the house with my wife and children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home.” 

“Then in the morning I pick them up again. Funny thing is, he smiled, when I come out in the morning to pick them up, there aren’t nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.”

Author Unknown 

AN OPPORTUNITY FOR DAILY REFLECTION BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE SCHOOL OF PRACTICAL PHILOSOPHY

Remembering Timothy Leary with Joanna Harcourt Smith (1946 – 2020)

New Thinking Allowed with Jeffrey Mishlove May 29, 2023 Joanna Harcourt-Smith (1946 – 2020) was Timothy Leary’s common-law wife. She is author of Tripping The Bardo With Timothy Leary. She is credited as co-author of two of Leary’s books, Neurologic and Starseed. She also hosted the “Future Primative” podcast. In this 2018 interview, she speaks passionately about the years she spent with Timothy Leary, traveling in Europe and to Afghanistan — where they were captured by U.S. federal agents — and, then, working intensively in an effort to free him from prison. She discusses the role of psychedelics in reshaping American culture after the second world war. She also addresses Leary’s signicance as a unique, American futurist and philosopher. Edited subtitles for this video are available in Russian, Portuguese, Italian, German, French, and Spanish. New Thinking Allowed host, Jeffrey Mishlove, PhD, is author of The Roots of Consciousness, Psi Development Systems, and The PK Man. Between 1986 and 2002 he hosted and co-produced the original Thinking Allowed public television series. He is the recipient of the only doctoral diploma in “parapsychology” ever awarded by an accredited university (University of California, Berkeley, 1980). He is also the Grand Prize winner of the 2021 Bigelow Institute essay competition regarding the best evidence for survival of human consciousness after permanent bodily death. (Recorded on July 31, 2018)

Book: “The Intention Experiment: Using Your Thoughts to Change Your Life and the World”

The Intention Experiment: Using Your Thoughts to Change Your Life and the World

Lynne McTaggart

The book you hold in your hands is revolutionary, a groundbreaking exploration of the science of intention. It is also the first book to invite you, the reader, to take an active part in its original research. Drawing on the findings of leading scientists on human consciousness from around the world, “The Intention Experiment” demonstrates that “thought is a thing that affects other things.” Thought generates its own palpable energy that you can use to improve your life, to help others around you, and to change the world.In “The Intention Experiment, ” internationally bestselling author Lynne McTaggart, an award-winning science journalist and leading figure in the human consciousness studies community, presents a gripping scientific detective story and takes you on a mind-blowing journey to the farthest reaches of consciousness. She profiles the colorful pioneers in intention science and works with a team of renowned scientists from around the world, including physicist Fritz-Albert Popp of the International Institute of Biophysics and Dr. Gary Schwartz, professor of psychology, medicine, and neurology at the University of Arizona, to determine the effects of focused group intention on scientifically quantifiable targets — animal, plant, and human.

“The Intention Experiment” builds on the discoveries of McTaggart’s first book, international bestseller “The Field: The Quest for the Secret Force of the Universe, ” which documented discoveries that point to the existence of a quantum energy field. “The Field” created a picture of an interconnected universe and a scientific explanation for many of the most profound human mysteries, from alternative medicine and spiritual healing to extrasensory perception and the collective unconscious. “The Intention Experiment” shows you myriad ways that all this information can be incorporated into your life.

After narrating the exciting developments in the science of intention, McTaggart offers a practical program to get in touch with your own thoughts, to increase the activity and strength of your intentions, and to begin achieving real change in your life. After you’ve begun to realize the amazing potential of focused intention, and the times when it is most powerful, McTaggart invites you to participate in an unprecedented experiment: Using “The Intention Experiment” website to coordinate your involvement and track results, you and other participants around the world will focus your power of intention on specific targets, giving you the opportunity to become a part of scientific history.

“The Intention Experiment” redefines what a book does. It is the first “living” book in three dimensions. The book’s text and website are inextricably linked, forming the hub of an entirely self-funded research program, the ultimate aim of which is philanthropic. An original piece of scientific investigation that involves the reader in its quest, “The Intention Experiment” explores human thought and intention as a tangible energy — an inexhaustible but simple resource with an awesome potential to focus our lives, heal our illnesses, clean up our communities, and improve the planet.

“The Intention Experiment” also forces you to rethink what it is to be human. As it proves, we’re connected to everyone and everything, and that discovery demands that we pay better attention to our thoughts, intentions, and actions. Here’s how you can.

(Goodreads.com)

How aspects build on each other

May 29, 2023 (contact@AstroButterfly.com)

Aspects are never random; they form in a particular order.

The trine follows the square. The trine is not just a random occurrence; the trine is the result of integrating the tension of the square.

What used to be difficult at the time of the square is now easy. We’ve now mastered the lesson of the square and turned it into a skill or a talent.

But the trine can be “too much of a good thing”. After the trine, we find ourselves in search of a new challenge. Furthermore, here comes the next aspect, the opposition.

Not only do aspects follow a natural sequence, but they also happen at clearly defined moments in time.

Let’s say you have a Venus-Jupiter sextile in your chart. This sextile aspect tells something not only about the nature of the aspect (friendly) but also about the timing of the aspect.

A sextile only happens after conjunction (the beginning of a planetary cycle), so a sextile is more mature than the conjunction, just because the 2 planets in sextile had more time to hang around each other.

Opening Vs Closing Aspects

To make things even more interesting, we have so-called “opening” sextiles and “closing” sextiles. An opening sextile happens very early in the cycle, whereas the closing sextile happens at the very end of the cycle.

Recognizing this natural order of aspects, understanding their cyclicity, will help us make sense of the aspects in our natal chart in a unique and very detailed way.

While both the opening and the closing sextile symbolize opportunities, the opening sextile will have a slightly different quality compared to the closing sextile.

The opening sextile represents new, fresh opportunities that help us move outside of the inertia of the conjunction. The opening sextile has a 3rd house energy, while the closing sextile has an 11th house energy.

Both the opening and the closing sextile share the friendly, 3rd/11th house energy, but if the opening sextile is more about opportunities we bring in by learning new skills, the closing sextile is more about what we do with others, the opportunities that emerge when we build something in a group or community.

There are similar subtle differences between the opening and the closing trine, the opening and closing quincunx, and the opening and closing semi-sextile.

If this topic drew your interest, we invite you to join our upcoming webinar “Aspects And The Hero’s Journey”.

In the “Aspects And The Hero’s Journey” webinar we will cover:

  • What aspects are and how they show up in our lives as thought patternsbehaviors, and external circumstances
  • An overview of the main astrological aspects: conjunction, semi-sextile, sextile, square, trine, quincunx and the opposition through the lens of the Hero’s Journey
  • The subtle difference between sextile vs. trine, square vs. opposition, using Mars and Neptune as an example
  • The difference between opening and closing aspects
  • Q&A and chart examples

The webinar happens on Tuesday, May 30th, at 12:00 EDT (24 hours from now). You can join live, or watch the recording:

>>Aspects And The Hero’s Journey<<

The Astro Butterfly School

The Astrology Of June 2023 – Jupiter Conjunct North Node

Astro Butterfly May 29, 2023

Welcome to June! Can you believe we’re almost mid-year?

In June 2023 we have the opportunity to mend some of the ‘damage’ of the tense, fixed Grand Cross we had in the last week of May.

We have 2 key aspects in June: Jupiter is conjunct North Node, and Jupiter is also sextile Saturn. These are 2 amazingly supportive aspects that could lead us onto a path of growth and discovery.

With Jupiter conjunct the North Node of purpose, there’s a strong pull to walk the path of our purpose. The North Node will draw us in, pulling us into the unknown. We want to experience something deeper, something more meaningful.

Just like Coelho’s Alchemist, we feel the call to adventure.

What about Jupiter sextile Saturn? The sextile is a supportive aspect – but unlike the trine, which brings things effortlessly (sometimes so effortlessly, that we don’t even notice them and we miss the boat), the sextile is the opportunities we consciously create.

With Jupiter conjunct North Node and sextile Saturn, opportunities will abound – but it’s up to us to say YES to the call.

Let’s take a look at the most important transits of the month:

June 1st, 2023 – Jupiter Conjunct North Node In Taurus

On June 1st, 2023 Jupiter is conjunct the North Node at 3° Taurus, opening new doors of opportunities for us. This is a unique chance to embark on a new journey!

Jupiter and the North Node have quite a bit in common. They are both growth-oriented, forward looking energies. Jupiter wants to find a higher meaning, and the North Node is our actual purpose in life. When Jupiter and North Node meet, opportunity meets readiness.

Jupiter and the North Node meet in a conjunction once every 12 years, but not in the same sign. So most of us get to experience 1, or maxim 2 Jupiter conjunct North Node transits in the same sign in a lifetime.

This time, Jupiter and North Node will highlight the Taurus sector of your life, bringing a unique set of opportunities, not to be missed.

June 4th, 2023 – Full Moon In Sagittarius

On June 4th, 2023, we have a Full Moon at 13° Sagittarius. The Full Moon is trine Mars in Leo and square Saturn in Pisces.

What happens when we have both a tense (square) and a harmonious (trine) aspect? Do these aspects annul each other?

Aspects never annul each other – they build on each other. So when we have both a tense and a harmonious aspect, the tense aspect is the “trigger”, and the harmonious aspect is the “ally”.

In this case, our trigger is Full Moon square Saturn. Something Saturnian (e.g. our application is delayed, the washing machine breaks down, we have a conflict with a family member) brings something to our conscious attention.

Once we know what the problem is (Saturn square) we then take our ally (Mars in Leo) by hand to help us solve the problem. The Mars trine suggests that the best approach at the Full Moon is to take bold (Leo) action (Mars).

At the Full Moon in Sagittarius, we want to stand our ground and take action despite frustration, delays and hindrances. What exactly requires your attention depends on the houses in your natal chart that this lunation casts a light on.

June 5th, 2023 – Venus Enters Leo

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have ALL your attention? Lights, camera, action, drums… applause… On June 5th, 2023 Venus enters Leo!!!

This Venus in Leo transit is even more important than your regular Venus in Leo transit because Venus will go retrograde in the sign in late July.

This means we will have a record of 4 months of Venus in Leo this year. If you didn’t know what Venus in Leo is all about, you will definitely find it out in the following months.

The unhealthy expression of Venus in Leo is hubris and a flair for drama. The positive expression of Venus in Leo is emotional honesty. Your feelings, wants and desires are as important as anyone else’s.

June 11th, 2023 – Pluto Re-Enters Capricorn

On June 11th, 2023, Pluto re-enters Capricorn.

In the last few months, we all got a taste of Pluto in Aquarius. But big shifts like Pluto changing signs take a long time, so there’s always some back and forth movement to integrate the change.

Pluto will spend 7 months in Capricorn (will re-enter Aquarius in January 2024). The following months are a good time to reflect on the “Pluto in Capricorn” chapter of our life, tie loose ends and reflect on what we want to do differently in the next 20 years of our lives.

June 11th, 2023 – Mercury Enters Gemini

On June 11th, 2023, Mercury enters Gemini. Mercury has spent a very long time in Taurus! We are now all ready for something new, and something new we get: Mercury in Gemini is playful, lighthearted, and loves to crack some jokes.

Gemini is Mercury’s home sign – this means Mercury in Gemini is a natural with everything “Mercury”. No matter what your communication style is, when Mercury is in Gemini your communication becomes more articulate, eloquent, and clear.

Mercury in Gemini is a great transit for connecting with others, doing research, writing, or exchanging ideas.

June 17th, 2023 – Saturn Goes Retrograde

On June 17th, 2023, Saturn goes retrograde at 7° Pisces. This is the first time Saturn retrogrades in the sign of Pisces, so you want to pay attention to what kind of themes transpire around the station.

Planets’ changes of direction are very important: when a planet stations direct or retrograde, it spends an usual amount of time at the same degree of the zodiac, thus drawing our attention to a particular area of our life.

Think of your daily walk in the park. You normally walk at a steady pace every day. One day you stop at a particular spot; perhaps your phone rings, or you wait for your dog.

And because you stopped, you start paying attention to your surroundings. You notice a particular building, or a tree, or someone sitting on a bench – things you wouldn’t have noticed otherwise.

That’s exactly how a planetary station works.

Saturn’s station at 7° Pisces will draw your attention to a particular topic connected to your Pisces natal house, OR, if you also happen to have planets around 7° Pisces (or around 7° in other signs) Saturn’s station will become particularly relevant.

June 18th, 2023 – New Moon In Gemini

On June 18th, 2023, we have a New Moon at 26° Gemini. The New Moon is square Neptune (at 27° Pisces). The New Moon ruler, Mercury is strong in domicile and sextiles Venus in Leo.

This New Moon in Gemini can come with a development that may leave us baffled – something like “How didn’t I see this coming?”.

But every change of circumstances is an opportunity. Something better will come your way IF you leave behind unrealistic expectations, reframe your perspective, and pay attention to the here and now.

June 19th, 2023 – Jupiter Sextile Saturn

On June 19th, 2023, Jupiter (at 7° Taurus) is sextile Saturn (at 7° Pisces). Jupiter sextile Saturn is one of the best transits of the season.

This sextile is especially important since it’s the first aspect of the famous Jupiter-Saturn cycle that started in December 2020 at 0° Aquarius. Back in 2020, an Aquarius seed has been planted.

However, when we have a conjunction, we don’t necessarily see anything concrete happening. A conjunction is like the dark New Moon – things are happening in the background, but we may not be aware yet of what’s going on.

Now with the sextile, things will come to light. A concrete opportunity will present itself.

June 21st, 2023 – Sun Enters Cancer

On June 21st, 2023, Sun enters Cancer. Happy birthday to all Cancers out there!

When the Sun enters Cancer we have the Summer Solstice in the Northern Hemisphere and the Winter Solstice in the Southern Hemisphere.

No matter where you live, June 21st is one of the most important days of the year. The Sun is either at the highest point in the sky, or at the lowest. This marks a culmination – a point of “no return”. We either have the longest day, or the longest night of the year.

Things are about to shift. Our priorities may change. On this magical day, tune in and reflect on where you’re at a crossroads in your life. The universe will guide you on the next course of action.

June 26th, 2023 – Mercury Enters Cancer

On June 26th, 2023, Mercury enters Cancer. Towards the end of June, Mercury joins the Sun in the sign of Cancer. Mercury in Cancer brings emotional sensitivity to our communication.

We don’t just spare words right, left and center. What we say means something. Ruled by the Moon, Cancer is not only our emotions: it’s our gut instinct. Mercury in Cancer invites us to trust our instinct and rely on emotional intelligence to make decisions.

What We Look for When We Are Looking: John Steinbeck on Wonder and the Relational Nature of the Universe

By Maria Popova (themarginalian.org)

“Genius is nothing more nor less than childhood recovered at will,” Baudelaire wrote — something Newton embodied in looking back on his life of revolutionary discoveries, only to see himself appearing “like a boy playing on the seashore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.” What we are really recovering from childhood in those moments of discovery and exaltation is a way of looking at the world — looking for a glimpse of some small truth that illuminates the interconnectedness of all things, looking and being wonder-smitten by what we see.

That is what John Steinbeck (February 27, 1902–December 20, 1968) explores in some lovely passages from The Log from the Sea of Cortez (public library) — his forgotten masterpiece that turns the record of an ordinary marine biology expedition in the Gulf of California into an extraordinary lens on how to think.

John Steinbeck

On a collecting expedition in the tide pools of coastal Mexico, Steinbeck considers what it is we really look for when we are looking:

As always when one is collecting, we were soon joined by a number of small boys. The very posture of search, the slow movement with the head down, seems to draw people. “What did you lose?” they ask.

“Nothing.”

“Then what do you search for?” And this is an embarrassing question. We search for something that will seem like truth to us; we search for understanding; we search for that principle which keys us deeply into the pattern of all life; we search for the relations of things, one to another, as this young man searches for a warm light in his wife’s eyes and that one for the hot warmth of fighting. These little boys and young men on the tide flat do not even know that they search for such things too. We say to them, “We are looking for curios, for certain small animals.”

Then the little boys help us to search.

Tide pool creatures from A Naturalist’s Rambles on the Devonshire Coast by Philip Henry Gosse, 1853. (Available as a print and as stationery cards, benefitting The Nature Conservancy.)

But the children do something more than help the grown men search — they help them see; they help them find the only thing worth looking for. Steinbeck writes:

Small boys have such sharp eyes, and they are quick to notice deviation. Once they know you are generally curious, they bring amazing things. Perhaps we only practice an extension of their urge. It is easy to remember when we were small and lay on our stomachs beside a tide pool and our minds and eyes went so deeply into it that size and identity were lost, and the creeping hermit crab was our size and the tiny octopus a monster. Then the waving algae covered us and we hid under a rock at the bottom and leaped out at fish. It is very possible that we, and even those who probe space with equations, simply extend this wonder.

How reminiscent this last sentiment is of Dylan Thomas’s poem “Being But Men,” how consonant with G.K. Chesterton’s insistence that our task in life is to dig for the “submerged sunrise of wonder.”

Couple this fragment from The Log from the Sea of Cortez (public library) — which is a remarkable read in its entirety — with the pioneering neurophysiologist Charles Scott Sherrington on the spirituality of wonder, then revisit Steinbeck on hopecreativitythe art of receiving, and his timeless advice on love.

Dead Stars: Poet Laureate Ada Limón’s Stunning Love Poem to Life

By Maria Popova (themarginalian.org)

We know that the atoms composing our bodies and our brains can be traced back to particular stars that died long ago in some faraway corner of the cosmos. We know what will happen to our own atoms when we ourselves die. Still, something in us quivers with incomprehension at the notion that every single one of our capacities — love and mathematics, the bomb and the Benedictus — is the churn of discarded stardust. And yet it is precisely this fact that renders us miraculous — creatures of matter, capable of seeing beauty, capable of making meaning. This is our inheritance. This is the bright star of resurrection lighting up our exquisite aliveness.

U.S Poet Laureate Ada Limón channels this cosmic destiny of ours in her splendid poem “Dead Stars,” found in her collection The Carrying (public library) and read here by the poet herself during her altogether wonderful lecture at Portland’s Literary Arts, to which I have added the requisite benediction of Bach.

DEAD STARS
by Ada Limón

Out here, there’s a bowing even the trees are doing.
            Winter’s icy hand at the back of all of us.
Black bark, slick yellow leaves, a kind of stillness that feels
so mute it’s almost in another year.

I am a hearth of spiders these days: a nest of trying.

We point out the stars that make Orion as we take out
      the trash, the rolling containers a song of suburban thunder.

It’s almost romantic as we adjust the waxy blue
      recycling bin until you say, Man, we should really learn
some new constellations.

And it’s true. We keep forgetting about Antlia, Centaurus,
      Draco, Lacerta, Hydra, Lyra, Lynx.

But mostly we’re forgetting we’re dead stars too, my mouth is full
      of dust and I wish to reclaim the rising —

to lean in the spotlight of streetlight with you, toward
      what’s larger within us, toward how we were born.

Look, we are not unspectacular things.
      We’ve come this far, survived this much. What

would happen if we decided to survive more? To love harder?

What if we stood up with our synapses and flesh and said, No.
      No, to the rising tides.

Stood for the many mute mouths of the sea, of the land?

What would happen if we used our bodies to bargain

for the safety of others, for earth,
      if we declared a clean night, if we stopped being terrified,

if we launched our demands into the sky, made ourselves so big
people could point to us with the arrows they make in their minds,

rolling their trash bins out, after all of this is over?

Complement with the uncommon astronomer-poet Rebecca Elson’s “Antidotes to Fear of Death” and “Let There Always Be Light (Searching for Dark Matter),” then revisit the poetic physicist Brian Greene’s Rilke-lensed reflection on how our creaturely limitations give life meaning.

The Challenge of Closeness: Alain de Botton on Love, Vulnerability, and the Paradox of Avoidance

By Maria Popova (themarginalian.org)

The hardest thing in life isn’t getting what we want, isn’t even knowing what we want, but knowing what to want. We think we want connection, but as soon as contact reaches deeper than the skin of being, we recoil with the terror of vulnerability. There is no place more difficult to show up than where marrow meets marrow. And yet that is the only place where two people earn the right to use the word “love.”

Our avoidance of that terrifying, transcendent place holds up a mirror to our most fundamental beliefs about life and love, about what we deserve and what we are capable of, about reality and the landscape of the possible. That is what Alain de Botton explores in this animated essay probing the psychological machinery of avoidance in intimate relationships — where it comes from, how to live with it, and where it can go if handled with enough conscientiousness and compassion.

In The School of Life: An Emotional Education (public library) — the book companion to his wonderful global academy for skillful living — De Botton explores the deeper dimensions of avoidance and how to live with it, both as its proprietor and its partner. Recognizing the paralyzing fear of hurt, rejection, and abandonment at the heart of avoidance, he writes:

One of the odder features of relationships is that, in truth, the fear of rejection never ends. It continues, even in quite sane people, on a daily basis, with frequently difficult consequences — chiefly because we refuse to pay it sufficient attention and aren’t trained to spot its counter-intuitive symptoms in others. We haven’t found a winning way to keep admitting just how much reassurance we need.

[…]

Instead of requesting reassurance endearingly and laying out our longing with charm, we have tendencies to mask our needs beneath some tricky behaviors guaranteed to frustrate our ultimate aims.

Avoidance is one of the commonest ways of hedging against our fear of rejection and hurt — a coping mechanism for disappointment that we developed when the people first tasked with caring for us let us down. De Botton writes:

We grow into avoidant patterns when, in childhood, attempts at closeness ended in degrees of rejection, humiliation, uncertainty, or shame that we were ill-equipped to deal with. We became, without consciously realizing it, determined that such levels of exposure would never happen again. At an early sign of being disappointed, we therefore now understand the need to close ourselves off from pain. We are too scarred to know how to stay around and mention that we are hurt.

With an eye to the undertow of vulnerability beneath all avoidant patterns, he adds:

If this harsh, graceless behavior could be truly understood for what it is, it would be revealed not as rejection or indifference, but as a strangely distorted, yet very real, plea for tenderness.

A central solution to these patterns is to normalize a new and more accurate picture of emotional functioning: to make it clear just how predictable it is to be in need of reassurance, and at the same time, how understandable it is to be reluctant to reveal one’s dependence. We should create room for regular moments, perhaps as often as every few hours, when we can feel unembarrassed and legitimate about asking for confirmation. “I really need you. Do you still want me?” should be the most normal of enquiries.

Complement with philosopher Martha Nussbaum on how to live with our human fragility and Hannah Arendt on how to live with the fundamental fear of love’s loss, then revisit Alain de Botton on the importance of breakdownswhat makes a good communicator, and the key to existential maturity.