Aliens Issue Statement Asserting That Sex with Them Does Not Spread the Coronavirus

By Andy Borowitz July 29, 2020 (NewYorker.com)

Silhouetted aliens in the woods
Photograph by Martina Badini / Shutterstock

OUTER SPACE (The Borowitz Report)—In a rare public statement by beings from another planet, a group of prominent aliens declared on Wednesday that having sex with them does not spread the coronavirus.

In the statement, which the aliens published on Medium, the space creatures expressed concern that the dissemination of pseudoscience about sex with demons and alien DNA might cause some Earthlings to erroneously conclude that intimate relations with aliens were in some way a health risk.

“We can assure you, based on years of research, that it is perfectly safe for Earthlings to have sex with aliens,” the aliens wrote. “In this, as in all matters, it’s important to follow the science.”

The extraterrestrials added that the coronavirus pandemic had caused them to rethink their planned invasion of the planet Earth, which had been pencilled in for later this year.

The aliens indicated that they would now limit their invasion to places like Canada and New Zealand, but would avoid the United States.

Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.

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