Learn to spot unhealthy perfectionism, understand its emotional sources and find a way to silence that self-critical voice

by Margaret Rutherford Torn advertising poster, New York, 1960. Photo by Ernst Haas/Getty

Margaret Rutherfordhas been a psychologist in private practice for more than 25 years. She hosts The SelfWork Podcast and is the author of Perfectly Hidden Depression (2019). She lives in Arkansas.

Edited by Christian Jarrett

11 November 2020 (Psyche.co)

Need to know

Perfectionism comes in different forms

‘If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well.’ How many times did I hear that growing up? My parents were attempting to teach me (just in case I hadn’t absorbed it from their actions) the importance of striving for excellence. They were encouraging what some psychologists call ‘constructive perfectionism’ or ‘healthy perfectionism’ – a personality trait that’s associated with finding enjoyment and even fulfilment in life from doing things as well as you possibly can. With constructive or ‘positive perfectionism’, the focus is process-oriented; you learn from mistakes or even failure. It’s generally considered a beneficial trait that’s linked with being more conscientious and self-disciplined.

Yet perfectionism can have a darker side. The American academic and author Brené Brown defined this kind of perfectionism in her first book, The Gifts of Imperfection (2010), as ‘a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: if I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimise the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.’ This form of perfectionism, which is fuelled by inner shame that must be quelled, involves trying to constantly meet perceived expectations of what ‘perfect’ is. This perfectionism isn’t fulfilling and it’s far from enjoyable. Yet many people feel it’s mandatory to look as if all is perfect. They believe that not to do so would imply imperfection.

This is what’s known in the wider psychological literature as ‘unhealthy perfectionism’ or ‘destructive perfectionism’. In this case, the purpose has nothing to do with process. It’s goal-oriented. It’s driven. It’s pressured. And I believe it’s increasingly contributing to mental health problems.

Constructive perfectionists, let’s say if they’re swimmers, want to beat their personal best. That brings with it all kinds of positive vibes. Winning the race is great, if indeed they do.

But destructive perfectionists want to be the perfect swimmer. And winning every race is the goal; if not, shame says to them that they have little to no value or worth.

Many perfectionistic people will fall somewhere on a spectrum between the two poles. But in my clinical practice I’ve noticed another issue. Ironically, destructive perfectionists might not even recognise themselves as perfectionists, because they never believe their best is good enough. There’s always the next achievement. And then the next. And the next.

So, what are the roots of destructive perfectionism? I believe people often develop this way of thinking and being when they grow up without a sense of support, safety and nurturing. It can also be a reaction to childhood trauma or extreme cultural expectations, where appearing perfect becomes a mandatory strategy to emotionally survive, and where vulnerability is disdained.

Destructive perfectionism is associated with ‘hidden depression’

Over the past decade, I’ve treated more and more people who didn’t quite know why they’d come to therapy. They’d erected huge barriers against revealing any kind of emotional pain; I wondered if they even had the capability of expressing such feelings. Outwardly, they didn’t seem depressed at all; the descriptions of their issues sounded more like the result of overwork, fatigue or mild anxiety.

My interpretation is that they were destructive perfectionists who were running out of steam, but not sure what, if anything, was wrong. Their emotional pain was expertly, and often unconsciously, hidden.

If I asked them if they were depressed, I’d hear a firm denial. ‘I have too many blessings in my life.’ If I questioned whether or not their childhood provided safety and security, they’d laugh and deny or discount any kind of problem. Or sometimes they’d become very quiet and look out the window, as if they wished they were anywhere but my office.

Yet as they returned for more sessions, they’d slowly risk sharing one shame-filled secret after another. Their seemingly impenetrable cloak of silence would slowly slip off, only to reveal tremendous loneliness and despair.

And in many cases, as they let down their guard, I found they could also understand that what was ‘wrong’ or unhealthy might not fit the rubric of classic depression. But it was just as real. And just as damaging.

I began researching the popular literature about perfectionism, shame and fear of vulnerability. I found a wealth of research and writings about the importance of vulnerability and the cost of shame by the aforementioned Brown, the much earlier thoughts on ‘covert depression’ by the author and family therapist Terrence Real, and the book Self-Compassion (2015) by the psychologist Kristin Neff. But crucially I couldn’t find anything for the general public about the relationship between perfectionism and a form of potentially serious depression.

So, drawing on the experiences and stories of the many clients I’ve seen in my practice over 25 years, I formulated my own ideas about this distinct problem and how it can be addressed most effectively and compassionately. My work – laid out in my book Perfectly Hidden Depression (2019) – is based on how a dangerous kind of perfectionism-fuelled depression can affect someone’s life; how even if someone scores low on a standard depression inventory, they can be living with deep-seated emotional difficulties and unresolved traumatic experiences that might ultimately threaten their will to live. This is the syndrome I call ‘perfectly hidden depression’.

I’ve identified 10 traits that manifest in the daily decision-making and behaviour of people who exhibit signs of this syndrome:

• You are highly perfectionistic, fuelled by a constant, critical inner voice of intense shame or fear.
• You demonstrate a heightened or excessive sense of responsibility and look for solutions.
• You have difficulty accepting and expressing painful emotions, remaining more analytical or ‘in your head’.
• You discount, dismiss or deny abuse or trauma from the past, or the present.
• You worry a great deal (but hide that habit) and avoid situations where you’re not in control.
• You are highly focused on tasks and others’ expectations, using accomplishment as a way to feel validated. Yet as the last accomplishment fades, new pressure assumes itself, and any success is discounted.
• You have an active and sincere concern for the wellbeing of others, while allowing few (if any) into your inner world.
• You hold a strong belief in ‘counting your blessings’ and feel that any other stance reflects a lack of gratitude.
• You have emotional difficulty with personal intimacy but demonstrate significant professional success.
• You might have accompanying mental health issues that involve anxiety and control issues, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), panic and/or eating disorders.

If you read these 10 traits and find that many or all of them match you, then hopefully this is in some sense reassuring – it might give you an inkling of why you feel the way you do, how you haven’t known what was wrong and have been ashamed to even consider it. If suddenly a light has come on – you recognise that you can’t bring yourself to share any vulnerability; or perhaps you recognise these traits in someone else, then first – breathe. And know this: I’ve found there is an antidote to perfectly hidden depression – self-acceptance.

What to do

If you believe that you are an unhealthy perfectionist and that it could be masking your own deep-rooted emotional problems, I propose five stages that can help you: consciousness, commitment, confrontation, connection and change.

The first stage: consciousness

This stage refers to the importance of becoming aware that your perfectionism is a problem in the first place. Although recognising one’s problems is a part of every emotional/mental healing process, this stage might be especially complicated for you because you’ve convinced yourself that your perfectionist traits are normal or not a problem. ‘Isn’t everyone like this?’ you might wonder. The answer to that is a resounding ‘no’. Yet giving up or tweaking a strategy that’s brought you external success is likely to be very difficult. In fact, the process of avoiding any painful feelings and memories might have become something you do unconsciously.

There are various ways to develop more insight into the role that destructive perfectionism is playing in your life, but one exercise that you can try on your own is mindfulness. Mindfulness authors teach that it’s not a process where you have to ensure you’re always focusing intently on something. Mindfulness is more about changing how you’re paying attention. Mindfulness deepens your experience of the present.

Here’s one simple mindfulness technique: sit somewhere comfortable and set a timer for three to five minutes. Breathe deeply and close your eyes. Stay as focused on your breaths as possible, even counting them from one to 10, and then starting over. If your mind wanders (which it will), gently let go of those thoughts and refocus on the breath. When the timer goes off, check in with your emotions, your eyes still closed. There could be irritation, relief, feeling silly. Simply notice and watch them dissipate.

Becoming conscious takes patience. The more you practise mindfulness, you’ll begin to notice more about how you’re interacting with both your external and internal worlds, including developing greater insight into how needing to seem perfect has seeped into almost all aspects of your life.

The second stage: commitment

As you become more aware of the problems perfectionism is causing you, you might still find that changing is hard. Ironically (and destructively) this can morph into another goal for you to reach perfectly. I’ve found that there are five major stumbling blocks to challenging perfectionism’s grasp on your mind and heart:

1. Adopting such a rigid commitment that when you falter or don’t do it perfectly, you’ll quit or simply want to stop thinking about it.
2. Beginning with a goal that’s too hard or too large.
3. Going it alone and not asking for help along the way.
4. Dealing with the fear and shame of giving up your persona with its familiar coping strategies – while stress increases.
5. Other mental difficulties you might have worsening due to the pressure, such as OCD or an eating disorder.

One of the best strategies for overcoming the first two potential stumbling blocks is to alter the goal of ‘commitment’ to that of ‘intention’. It’s less autocratic and holds more grace and forgiveness. Zooming in now on the third stumbling block, try this writing exercise: reflect and write down instances that you can remember where you didn’t ask for help but, in hindsight, it would’ve been helpful to do so. Go back and replay what you could’ve said or asked for. Practise those sentences coming out of your mouth and hear yourself say the words. How does doing that make you feel? Try to think now of the present, and a situation where you could ask for help.

This will stretch your awareness of how needing to seem in control prevented you from asking for help. And when you begin to actually practise asking, it’s as if you’re an actor, going over your lines. The practice itself can help create a new sense of you – someone who can ask, and does ask, for help.

You might find the fourth stumbling block in the list to be the most difficult. Dropping your perfectionist tendencies will feel like shedding your armour while in the midst of battle – you’ve been using them as a coping mechanism for so long, albeit one that’s counterproductive. Journaling is one of the best ways to begin getting down on paper those times when, where and how you’re tempted to slam that mask back on. Then you can better predict the times you’re likely to falter. If that happens, remember the complex reasons behind this habitual behaviour and try to treat yourself compassionately.

The fifth block in the list is a reminder that addressing your perfectionism won’t be easy and you might need to stop this work for a bit and attend to any worsening clinical symptoms of anxiety or other disorder. If you’re worried this is the case, please seek the help of a mental health professional. But don’t be demoralised – remember that healing is a process, not a destination; you need to stay safe while healing.

The third stage: confrontation

Let’s talk about the difference between personal beliefs and rules. The rules you set yourself govern how you behave. Your beliefs are something you accept to be true. The two interact. Your beliefs likely influence the rules you set yourself. At the same time, the rules you follow can limit or expand your beliefs. For example, you might have the rule ‘I always put a smile on my face, no matter what.’ It’s connected with the belief ‘People won’t like me if I don’t smile.’

The confrontation stage involves identifying the rules you live by, possibly without even realising it – what you consider is allowed or disallowed, what you should do, must not do, always need to do, never should do. They’re in your head all the time. But are they still rules you want to follow? They could be spoken rules from your family, the culture you live in, the dangers surrounding you, what’s expected of you – or they could be unspoken yet understood.

If you decide a rule doesn’t serve you well, write one out that could take its place. The realisation that you could replace a rule with a new one can be liberating. You’re beginning to visualise a life that can be more freely lived. And that can be life-changing.

The fourth stage: connection

If you’re following these stages and beginning this journey, you might have become much more aware of your own vulnerability. It can be terrifying to consider connecting with feelings that you’ve long suppressed. Looking in control, pleasing others, keeping your foot on the accelerator at all times – you might feel that all these choices have protected you. To confront shame head on, to connect with anger, to admit fatigue – you can fear feeling far too exposed.

Think about a turtle. At any sign of danger, the turtle pulls its head back in and waits. Similarly, if you’re prone to destructive perfectionism born from a difficult past, it’s likely that you too tend to withdraw into whatever shell you can find when painful feelings get stirred up.

Real’s book I Don’t Want to Talk About It (1998) has a quote that’s apt. He’s talking to a patient about emotional vulnerability, and the guy, who was trying his best to understand why it was important to engage with one’s difficult emotions, finally says: ‘You either feel it or live it, right? The pain. Either feel it or live it. Isn’t that what you’re going to say to me?’

He got it. The point is that, if you don’t connect with and process your emotional hurt, anger or sadness, it will govern your life in ways that you can’t see – you’ll end up blindly living it.

If you are feeling safe and secure, and you have support on hand should you need it, here’s an exercise to help you better connect with your difficult emotions. (Please don’t do this alone if you have severe trauma in your past. You’ll need an expert’s guidance and support to safely connect with that pain.)

Carefully create a timeline, where you divide a horizontal line by years of age: write ‘2, 4, 8, 12, 20’ and so on. You’re going to go back to those years and write down both the good and the hurtful things that occurred to you. This is an exercise in acknowledgment. Not blame. Acknowledge the good, the bad, and the ugly. This will also take courage as you confront the denial that might still want to emerge and complain: ‘Oh… it wasn’t that bad.’ You’re not whining. You’re acknowledging the emotional consequences or charge of an event with the same compassion you’d show someone else. You’ll begin to see patterns and connections between events. And, hopefully, you will find self-compassion.

This exercise can be powerful, as you go back and acknowledge the things that made you who you are – both the positive gifts you received and how your talents and skills led to success. But you’re also honouring pain from your past that you’ve discounted or denied, forgotten or avoided. You’re allowing yourself to recognise that you are the sum of all of your experience. And self-compassion – recognising the impact of whatever pain was there and showing yourself the same kindness you’d freely give another – is empowering. There’s no more reason to hide. You can accept what’s there, all of it. And all of you.

The previous confrontation stage and this connection stage are where you’re going to find the reason ‘why’ you began needing to look perfect. To build on the exercises you’ve already completed, ask yourself what messages you received in the past about your value and safety within relationships. And begin to realise that you don’t have to live by those rules or avoid pain any longer. Connecting with pain teaches that you can tolerate it and that your vulnerabilities don’t define you any more than your successes do.

The fifth stage: change

In my years as a clinician, I’ve learned the benefits of insight (hopefully increased for you by working through the connection stage and by reading this Guide). It offers context and understanding. But where your hope comes from is through changing your behaviour – that is, seeing positive results from the efforts you’re making. This final stage is where you’ll find that hope.

So, one last exercise: go through the 10 traits I listed that are associated with perfectionism-fuelled depression and, with trusted friends, your partner, a parent or a therapist, think about specific ways you can begin to put your insight to work and actually risk behaviour change – living each day differently, making different decisions, treating yourself with greater kindness. Choose which is the simplest and give it a try. This isn’t something to do perfectly. Remember, you’re on a journey.

Often, someone will come into a therapy session and begin with: ‘Well, I tried something new, but it wasn’t a big deal.’ I tell them every change in a welcome and desired direction is a huge deal. This stage allows you to choose each small step you’re ready to take – whether it’s saying no, or allowing someone else to lead, or to risk confiding in a friend – and invites you to celebrate those changes.NEED TO KNOWWHAT TO DOKEY POINTSLEARN MORELINKS & BOOKS

Key points – How to get over ‘never good enough’

1. Perfectionism comes in different forms. Positive perfectionism is process-oriented and about striving for excellence. In contrast, destructive or unhealthy perfectionism involves an obsessive focus on unrealistic goals.
2. Destructive perfectionism is associated with ‘hidden depression’. I’ve identified a syndrome I call ‘perfectly hidden depression’ in which striving to appear perfect at all times is a counterproductive strategy that masks a difficult past and emotional vulnerability. If you identify with this description, please know there’s a way out.
3. Recognise the role that destructive perfectionism is playing in your life. Because perfectionism can bring external success, it can be especially difficult for perfectionists to realise that they have a problem.
4. Plan ways to overcome the obstacles preventing you from changing. This might include practising asking for help, reconsidering unhelpful relationships or dealing with other mental health symptoms.
5. Confront the unhelpful rules by which you live. Whether they come from your family upbringing or your cultural background, it’s important to rewrite any rules that are harming you, such as ‘I must always smile, no matter what.’
6. Connect with the difficult feelings you’ve long suppressed. You’ll learn that you can tolerate them and that your vulnerabilities don’t define you.
7. Recognise and celebrate your progress. Remember you’re worth fighting for, not despite your imperfections, but because of them. You’re worth loving, not because of what you can do, but because of who you are.

NEED TO KNOWWHAT TO DOKEY POINTSLEARN MORELINKS & BOOKS

Learn more

Researchers worldwide are investigating perfectionism’s causes, be they cultural, political, familial, social or an interaction of all four of these factors. There’s some disagreement on whether or not perfectionism can be adaptive at all or if it’s almost always maladaptive.

Among the different kinds of destructive perfectionism described in the literature, there’s ‘self-oriented perfectionism’, which is pushing yourself to the extreme; ‘other-oriented perfectionism’, which is about expecting perfectionism from others; and ‘socially prescribed perfectionism’, characterised by feeling the need to meet the perceived high expectations of others. The most dangerous is the last because of its associations with suicidality.

There’s other terminology out there. For example, in a meta-analysis published in 2020, the authors distinguished between ‘perfectionistic concerns’ (which includes trying to reach external goals/expectations set by others, similar to ‘socially prescribed perfectionism’) and ‘perfectionistic strivings’ (pushing yourself to perfection, similar to ‘self-oriented perfectionism’). They found that both forms of perfectionism were linked with depression and social disconnection, and that perfectionistic concern was further associated with greater stress.

In general, all types of destructive perfectionism appear to be on the rise and many findings point to links with suicidality. The rate of unhealthy perfectionism in younger generations is especially concerning, with studies showing it’s measurably out of hand.

Hopefully, I’ve helped you understand how perfectionism – which can sound like a virtue – can be harmful. If you believe you exhibit the signs of unhealthy perfectionism and especially ‘perfectly hidden depression’, I think the exercises in this Guide will begin to help you create another way of living and being.

However, the hardest work isn’t making a change; it’s maintaining it. There are so many pulls and tugs from that perfectionistic shaming voice that holding on to a fresh perspective and behaviour can be challenging. But it can happen; it simply takes practice. And lots of it.

Yet, sometimes people in your world don’t support the changes you’ve made. And you might want to reconsider relationships that are too damaging, and to set appropriate boundaries in the ones that remain.

For example, maybe your family is still expecting you to constantly do for them, without regard for your own needs. Maybe you spend hours on the phone with a friend who demands all of your attention and constantly says how she doesn’t know what she’d do without you. People in your world might have become far too accustomed to you working too hard, giving too much, and not asking for anything in return. Assess whether or not these relationships can nurture the ‘new’ you and try to establish new boundaries.

You’re worth fighting for, not despite your imperfections, but because of them. You’re worth loving, not because of what you can do, but because of who you are. You’re growing in true strength, not because you seem in control, but because you’ve found self-acceptance and can listen and respond to every part of you.NEED TO KNOWWHAT TO DOKEY POINTSLEARN MORELINKS & BOOKS

Links & books

The material in this Guide is drawn from my own book, Perfectly Hidden Depression: How to Break Free from the Perfectionism that Masks Your Depression (2019).

In the Netflix documentary Brené Brown: The Call to Courage (2019), the American academic and author eloquently describes the dangers of shame and the healthiness of vulnerability.

Brown’s Ted talk The Power of Vulnerability (2010) has had more than 50 million views, which makes it one of the most watched ever. She discusses her research into vulnerability and human connection.

The podcast Middle Finger to Perfection is hosted by two recovering perfectionists – the psychotherapist Jenna Teague and the life coach Ashley Looker – who share their own struggles with perfectionism and invite various guests who are working in this same area. I joined them for an episode in August 2020, and found them engaging and delightful.

In the short YouTube presentation ‘The Problem With Being Perfect’ (2018), the author and speaker Mel Robbins discusses perfectionism and how to address it.

Disclaimer

This Guide is provided as general information only. It is not a substitute for independent, professional medical or health advice tailored to your specific circumstances. If you are struggling with psychological difficulties we encourage you to seek help from a professional source.

The Telegraph March 11, 2022 Much like in Afghanistan the Russian army is becoming bogged down and broken. As we enter into the third week of Russia’s invasion of Ukraine is Russia winning its war? To discuss the state of the Russian armed forces and the war in Ukraine Steven Edginton is joined by Ukraine expert Dr Taras Kuzio of the Henry Jackson Society. Watch the full episode above or listen on your podcast app by searching “Off Script”. Subscribe to The Telegraph on YouTube ► https://bit.ly/3idrdLH Get the latest headlines: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/ Telegraph.co.uk and YouTube.com/TelegraphTV are websites of The Telegraph, the UK’s best-selling quality daily newspaper providing news and analysis on UK and world events, business, sport, lifestyle and culture.

If not for love, then for what?

Love, as in the beloved, for your community, for life, the world.

What higher calling? Love is the answer to all that is.

Leave all behind, Love is the path.

G

The Fate of Food: What We’ll Eat in a Bigger, Hotter, Smarter World

Amanda Little

In the fascinating story of the sustainable food revolution, an environmental journalist and professor asks the question: Is the future of food looking bleak–or better than ever?

“In The Fate of Food, Amanda Little takes us on a tour of the future. The journey is scary, exciting, and, ultimately, encouraging.”–Elizabeth Kolbert, Pulitzer Prize-winning author of The Sixth Extinction

Climate models show that global crop production will decline every decade for the rest of this century due to drought, heat, and flooding. Water supplies are in jeopardy. Meanwhile, the world’s population is expected to grow another 30 percent by midcentury. So how, really, will we feed nine billion people sustainably in the coming decades?

Amanda Little, a professor at Vanderbilt University and an award-winning journalist, spent three years traveling through a dozen countries and as many U.S. states in search of answers to this question. Her journey took her from an apple orchard in Wisconsin to a remote control organic farm in Shanghai, from Norwegian fish farms to famine-stricken regions of Ethiopia.

The race to reinvent the global food system is on, and the challenge is twofold: We must solve the existing problems of industrial agriculture while also preparing for the pressures ahead. Through her interviews and adventures with farmers, scientists, activists, and engineers, Little tells the fascinating story of human innovation and explores new and old approaches to food production while charting the growth of a movement that could redefine sustainable food on a grand scale. She meets small permaculture farmers and “Big Food” executives, botanists studying ancient superfoods and Kenyan farmers growing the country’s first GMO corn. She travels to places that might seem irrelevant to the future of food yet surprisingly play a critical role–a California sewage plant, a U.S. Army research lab, even the inside of a monsoon cloud above Mumbai. Little asks tough questions: Can GMOs actually be good for the environment–and for us? Are we facing the end of animal meat? What will it take to eliminate harmful chemicals from farming? How can a clean, climate-resilient food supply become accessible to all?

Throughout her journey, Little finds and shares a deeper understanding of the threats of climate change and encounters a sense of awe and optimism about the lessons of our past and the scope of human ingenuity.

About the author

Amanda Little

Amanda Little is a professor of journalism and Writer-in-Residence at Vanderbilt University. Her reporting on energy, technology and the environment has taken her to ultra-deep oil rigs, down manholes, and inside monsoon clouds. Amanda’s work has appeared in the New York Times, Wired, Rolling Stone, Vanity Fair and elsewhere. She writes, bikes, and is learning to cook and tango in Nashville, TN, where she lives with her husband and kids. More about her work at: www.amandalittle.com

(Goodreads.com)

“Only the dead have seen the end of war.”

― Plato

Plato was a Greek philosopher born in Athens during the Classical period in Ancient Greece, founder of the Platonist school of thought and the Academy, the first institution of higher learning in the Western world. Wikipedia

by Astro Butterfly (astrobutterfly.com)

The Aries season is just around the corner, the Sun, Mercury, and a few months later, Venus and Mars will all meet with Chiron, the Wounded Healer.

Chiron has been in Aries since 2018 and will stay here until  2027. Of all the signs of the zodiac, Chiron spends the longest time – 8 years and one month– in Aries.

​Chiron spends so much time in Aries perhaps because it has more work to do there than in any other sign.

There is something about the qualities of Chiron that Aries finds difficult to process otherwise, so that’s why Chiron takes his time in this sign. 

Chiron In Aries – The Identity Wound

Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Its role is to develop a sense of identity. The Sun (our identity) is exalted in Aries after all.

Chiron in Aries is where you feel you don’t have the right to be yourself. Aries rules the Self but Chiron will challenge this affirmation of the Self, with the purpose of finding a deeper sense of purpose.

Aries is the “Me first” sign – it represents our individuality, how we express our uniqueness, how we assert ourselves. 

Aries is the very first sprout to emerge from the soil in the spring, choosing life, choosing to ‘get out there’ into the world, to make a statement “I’m here”.

Chiron, on the other hand, is a symbol for everything Aries is not. 

Chiron is where we feel wounded, ashamed, broken, and inadequate.

Chiron will challenge Aries’ expression of the self, expression of individuality.

Chiron in Aries is our greatest wound of all – our wound of identity.

The wound of identity is when we feel we don’t have the right to exist. This is the most painful wound – because it is the most difficult to grasp.

We Are Born With It

We are all born with the wound of identity. When we are babies, we hardly have an identity. We are the result of the genetic makeup of our parents.

As we grow up, if our self-expression is encouraged, we slowly develop our unique identity.

But the process is not always smooth.

Our parents may – rightly so – see us as an extension of themselves, and may have difficulties in acknowledging that we are different human beings. They do this because they want to protect us.

But trying to force the child to become something different than what they were born to be, is incredibly damaging to the sense of the child’s self. Stifling a child’s individuality is more dangerous long-term than neglect and even violence.

People who have the most challenging forms of psychosis usually come from upbringings where they were not allowed to be themselves, to express their unique identity.

Chiron In Aries – Symptoms Of The Identity Wound

• “I am nobody” – an overall feeling of emptiness and disconnection
• “I am not enough” – a desire to “prove” oneself
• “If I don’t fit in, I don’t exist” – a desire to be liked by everyone
• A tendency to copy other people
• A desire to remain unnoticed, a fear of expressing one’s opinions and beliefs
• Difficulty to connect with one’s body or feelings
• …or on the contrary, a continuous to prove one’s uniqueness by behaving oddly
• A tendency to hurt oneself, physically or psychologically – self-inflicted wounds, abuse of drugs, alcohol and medication, overworking, feeling ‘numb’

Chiron In Aries – How To Overcome The Wound Of Identity

What can you do about your feelings of worthlessness? Can you heal your wound of identity?

No achievement, no money or success can heal this wound – because being you is not about becoming something you are not, but is about learning to accept that it is OK to be you!

Chiron in Aries will ask you to address and heal – once and for all – the wound of identity, a wound that we are all born with.

Chiron in Aries is about taking responsibility for our existence, is about being present with our wounds, with our pain, and with our shame and just BE despite the fear, guilt, and shame. 

Chiron In Aries – You Are Here For A Reason

Your existence is the very proof you deserve to BE. There is a reason why out of billions of genetic possibilities, it was YOU who made it.

Yes, not only do you have the right to exist, but you are here for a reason. You were born with a unique mission.

You were born to express the divine in your unique way, to develop and share your unique gifts, talents, and skills. You are much more than you think. The stars, the whole universe collided so you could be here today.

When you allow your true self to shine through, there is no more pain, there is no more wound. You achieve self-realization.

Self-realization happens when all the broken parts of you come together to form a whole.

But you need to put ALL these parts together. Yes, even those you are ashamed of. They are part of you too, they are part of your story.

By allowing them to exist, you allow yourself to exist. And this is how you find the key, a higher order, the higher meaning of your existence.

A group of older male runners head out in Kyiv every day even as Russian bombs fall around them

Diyora Shadijanova Thu 10 Mar 2022 (TheGuardian.com)

On Monday, as the world watched the war in Ukraine intensify, Nikolai Plyuyko did something extraordinary. He went for an 11-kilometer run through the streets of Kyiv.

Plyuyko has participated in 48 marathons in his lifetime. Before retiring, he worked as an engineer and served in the Soviet army. Today, Plyuyko is 75 years old and lives alone in what he describes as “a sleepy part of Kyiv”. Since war broke out, Plyuyko has maintained his schedule of daily outdoor runs, running around 150km in the past two weeks.

He laughs when I ask him if he’s scared of running outside. “During my run, I often hear more than 10 explosions which are within a 20km distance,” he says stoically. “What’s the point of worrying? I’ve lived most of my life anyway.”

The only two days that he didn’t go for a run were when Kyiv’s mayor, Vitali Klitschko, asked everyone to stay at home. “I want to show that we are a brave nation and that we aren’t afraid,” he says. “We want to be strong, not just with our minds, but with our bodies too.” Plyuyko has been greeting every person he sees on his run, trying to lift people’s spirits. “I wish them good health, hope and trust in the fight with the enemy. I tell them that we will win, that we just need to get through it.”Advertisement

As Russian forces continue to destroy Ukrainian cities, break ceasefire rules and kill civilians, Ukrainians are terrified. In Kyiv, most people stay at home or in shelters overnight and keep outdoor trips to a minimum. At the time of writing, the centre of Kyiv has experienced a slightly more stable period than the first few days of the war, when Russian airstrikes colored the city’s skyline. Still, sounds of heavy fighting reverberate around the city’s historic buildings. During the daytime, the atmosphere is suppressed but hopeful, with people going outside to the pharmacy, to get food in shops and markets or for a quick walk to move their bodies. Yet, against all odds, and potentially their own safety, a small group of older runners are still heading out every day in Kyiv, sometimes running as Russian bombs fall around them.

Plyuyko runs in Natalka, a manicured public park that runs alongside the River Dnieper. In the last few days, he has even started going for a cold-water dip in the freezing temperatures of the river’s lagoon during his run. “I want to train myself to control my thermoregulation and find energy in my body.”

The daily exercise has been helping him process the absurdity of an unexpected war on his doorstep. “I think about many things during the run,” he explains. “I think about everything I’ve lived through.”

In the past week or so, Plyuyko has not only been running laps, but he has been running errands and getting groceries for people less mobile than him in his apartment complex. “I’ve been getting in line at the shop for them and running it to their homes. This is a sign of friendship during these hard times.” Locals have been happy to see him too; they call him “Uncle Kolya” and wave at him or sing him praise each time he passes them.

I can’t go to fight at my age, there is an army for that, but it’s important for people to show that we are alive and strong

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According to Plyuyko, most of the people who have stayed behind are either the “lonely elderly” or those who are choosing to protect their towns and other people’s lives. He is one of Kyiv’s residents who has decided to stay in Ukraine to see the war through to the end. Just across town is Volodimir Shymko, a 67-year-old who has also been running to fill the city’s empty streets. “So many people have left Kyiv. I can tell which of our neighbours have stayed behind judging by whether their lights are on, and there are very few people who have stayed,” he tells me solemnly over the phone.

Shymko, too, hopes that his running raises people’s morale. “I can’t go to fight at my age, there is an army for that, but we will see how the situation continues – maybe everyone will be forced to fight.”

Konstantin Bondarev, 61, is based in the south of the city with his wife and two other friends who have come to shelter in his house. He has been running long-distance since 1983. “Now that there has been war, I’ve been running non-stop; it makes things feel a lot easier during such turbulent times,” he tells me. Since 24 February, he has clocked 73km in running distance. “Right now, thoughts of war keep going round and round in my head; from the moment you wake up, you start ringing all your friends, asking if everyone is alive and well over the messaging app Viber. When there are always attacks, you wonder if anyone has been bombed.”

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This, of course, has affected his nervous system, so the run has been helping him deal with the stress of the war. “When I run, I can put all that aside – at least for a moment.”

In Ukraine, men between the ages of 18-60 have been banned from leaving the country in case they have to fight in the war, even if they have no military experience. “It’s important for people to show that we are alive and strong. This is our expression of the fight.”

Shymko’s daughter and his grandson have fled to a part of the country that has now turned into a hotspot for Russian attacks. “They want to get out, but they can’t right now. I’m really worried about them; it’s a very grave situation.”

Still, Shymko continues to run, in the past week, he has mustered 32km. The trained engineer, who is now a pensioner, has been a keen athlete since the 1970s. “I’ve run 40 marathons, and I’ve been in Berlin, Prague, Bratislava, Poland, Belgium, all around Ukraine.” And what would stop him? “Only if someone was to shoot at me multiple times,” he says macabrely.

The Guardian discovered Plyuyko and Shymko’s routes on Strava – a fitness-oriented social network that uses GPS data to track movement and allows users to share it publicly. The collected data is also used to create heatmaps, which shows trails left behind by the app’s users, so much so, Strava accidentally uncovered numerous unmapped military bases in 2018.

Calling the interviewees on Viber, the lines often went crackly, and Plyuyko, in particular, had trouble getting the app to work. “Can you hear me?” he would shout into the phone before hanging up multiple times. Eventually, we managed to set things up.

I spoke to everyone in Russian, as it was the only language we had in common, and I later translated the interviews to English. Listening back through the recordings, I could hear how much the men I spoke to really wanted to tell the stories of their lives and their runs. With a real possibility of Russian occupation, they were worried that their histories would be overwritten. When I asked for photos, they sent me dozens of images, some taken now and some taken when they are looking much younger. A horrible thought occurred; did they think this might be one of the last chances to be heard and to be seen by the rest of the world?

I have a friend in Kharkiv who hasn’t posted about running online for a little while – it’s worrying

Nikolai Plyuyko

“It’s only natural to be scared when you’re running, and bombs are going off in the distance, going ‘boom’,” says Bondarev. “That does take the joy out of it.” On the day I spoke to him, he went on a run that started well but ended quite ominously. “When I ran out, nothing was going on initially, but then a military plane flew by and then by the end of my run, I saw smoke billowing out of something in the distance. I ran home and took a photo.”

He says he’s begun to feel a little paranoid, being wary of the people he sees in the street, especially if he can’t recognise them. “Now you can’t help but wonder: ‘Who is this? Where are they from?’”

However, his anxieties are temporarily assuaged when checking his Strava feed to see if his friends outside Kyiv are still running. This has become another source of confirmation that they are still there alive and well during turbulent times. “Strava has become an additional source of information for me – at this time, the data is the ultimate knowledge about someone’s wellbeing,” he says. Though internet connection and signal may be temperamental in Ukraine right now, knowing that his friends are still running is hugely affirming. “I will see that they have logged a workout and immediately I feel relief; though I do have a friend in Kharkiv who hasn’t posted about running online for a little while – it’s worrying.”

I ask Bondarev whether he thinks he will continue to run even if things get worse. “I feel like if someone doesn’t want to run, they will find any excuse, but if they do want to run, they will find a way. I think I will keep running. I’m not put off by adversity. I need to keep moving.”

Jeff Hays Films

(Courtesy of Zoë Robinson, H.W., M.)

New Thinking Allowed with Jeffrey Mishlove Gary Lachman is the author The Return of Holy Russia: Apocalyptic History, Mystical Awakening, and the Struggle for the Soul of the World as well as over twenty other books about the influence of esotericism on politics and society. He has written biographies of Carl Jung, Aleister Crowley, Rudolf Steiner, Helena Petrovna Blavatsky, Emanuel Swedenborg, P. D. Ouspensky, and Colin Wilson. Here he describes the many mystical threads that run through Russian history. He describes the interplay of Slavic and Mongol shamanism with the Orthodox Christian faith. He highlights many paradoxes associated with the Russian character, such as a penchant to fuse devout religious feelings with a violent temperament. He focuses on Russia’s unique geography that is both European and Asian. (Recorded on March 4, 2020)

rogue/rōɡ/Learn to pronounce See definitions in: All Zoology Horticulture: rogue; plural noun: rogues

1. 1.a dishonest or unprincipled man.”you are a rogue and an embezzler”Similar:scoundrelvillainreprobaterascalgood-for-nothingwretchpicaroratbastardson of a bitchSOBnasty piece of workdogcurlousecrookscroteblighterspalpeenslickerscamphoundvagabondrotterboundercadne’er-do-wellmiscreantblackguarddastardknavevarletwastrelmountebankpicaroon
   • a person whose behavior one disapproves of but who is nonetheless likable or attractive (often used as a playful term of reproof).”Cenzo, you old rogue!”Similar:scamprascalimpdevilmonkeymischief-makerscallywagmonsterhorrorterrorholy terrorperishertykescallyhellionvarmintscapegracerapscallion
2. 2.an elephant or other large wild animal driven away or living apart from the herd and having savage or destructive tendencies.”a rogue elephant”
   • a person or thing that behaves in an aberrant, faulty, or unpredictable way.”he hacked into data and ran rogue programs”
   • an inferior or defective specimen among many satisfactory ones, especially a seedling or plant deviating from the standard variety.

verbverb: rogue; 3rd person present: rogues; past tense: rogued; past participle: rogued; gerund or present participle: roguing

1. remove inferior or defective plants or seedlings from (a crop).”the sowing has to be rogued to remove aberrant seedlings”

Phrasesgo rogue — behave erratically or dangerously, especially by disregarding the rules or the usual way of doing something.”leaders going rogue at press conferences can mean you have a serious problem”

Origin

mid 16th century (denoting an idle vagrant): probably from Latin rogare ‘beg, ask’, and related to obsolete slang roger ‘vagrant beggar’ (many such cant terms were introduced towards the middle of the 16th century).go roguephrase of rogue

1. behave erratically or dangerously, especially by disregarding the rules or the usual way of doing something.”leaders going rogue at press conferences can mean you have a serious problem”