Yesterday 5:00AM (theonion.com)
OXFORD, ENGLAND—Researchers from the University of Oxford published the results of a new study Tuesday that found falling to your knees and screaming toward the sky remained the best way of forsaking one’s god. “According to our study, we found that subjects who shouted ‘Damn you!’ with their faces directed upward were able to best express that God had abandoned them and, in turn, that they would abandon God,” said Henry Bancroft, co-author of the study in the current issue of The Journal Of Theological Studies, adding that the method was narrowly trailed by rending one’s garment in the pouring rain. “The results are especially effective when combined with shaking one’s fist and howling in agony. Watching the sand slip through one’s fingers as a metaphor of all that has been lost may also boost efficacy. This of course changes much of what we previously assumed about clutching the corpse of one’s only son.” At press time, Bancroft confirmed that getting blasted by a single bolt of lightning was still the best way of being smote by one’s god.