Ned Henry March 15, 2021 · nedhenry.medium.com

I don’t know what’s going on. I feel so tired. So tired all the time. It’s hard to stand. I’ve been trying to make myself stand more doing cooking or cleaning up. My legs feel weak. It feels like I am losing them. I used to feel so strong. Now I just feel weak, beaten up but not really beaten. I keep telling myself this is the chemo. It’s not real it won’t last, but in the back of my mind I’m not sure. I am sleeping late and still can’t go to bed early with the pain in my foot. I’m so unsure on my feet. This is really uncharted territory for me. I can’t remember ever feeling this depressed. I’ve dealt with depression in my life. I’m sure we all have at times. It’s just never been combined with these physical symptoms. I’ve always been strong. Not body builder strong but strong. I know I’m complaining. But I don’t know what else to do. I write things and then delete them because they are so self centered. I just feel like crap all the time. No energy. I could take a nap right now and I only got up a couple of hours ago.

Who would want to read this stuff. I have heard from some of you that I don’t even know with messages of encouragement. And I am grateful for your caring, for your empathy. I sounds like you know what this is like. Why else you be attracted to someone writing about their journey with cancer. You must know that there is light at the end of this tunnel. I sure hope so. Right now I wonder. I wonder if this it. I wonder if my heart will just stop one of these days. And that will be it. The end of my legacy. I really don’t want that. I want to make my life mean something. I really do because so far I don’t think that it has. I look back at my life as a failed experiment. I have fucked up every single relationship I have ever had. They all last a couple of years and then end. I said I would that someday. Most of my life I have been alone. And right now I am so tired of being alone. So tired of fighting this all alone. And more alone with covid than ever. I think this is the hardest thing I have ever had to face. I look at people like my parents.

Just months shy of the 60th wedding anniversary. This was on a visit they made to Atlanta. They both had so much love and they gave it all away. To each other first and then to all of us. I’ve wanted to give my love away but I never really knew how to do that. I’ve tried. Maybe I’m too hard on myself. But never being able to sustain a relationship really hurts. It makes me feel unlovable. And I do not feel very lovable right now. I feel like a mess. Just trying to get through this. To sleep my way through it with mindless television or just sitting and listening to music. At least today I made it here to the computer to write. I don’t know what good it does but I have to hope it will do me some good and maybe someday in the future will be worth something to somebody. Cancer really fucks with your head. Chemo really fucks with everything. I have to think that writing is better is than the next episode of the latest binge watch. Umbrella Academy. Stephen told me about it. Science Fiction-ey but the music is really good. I know what I need to do. As I bang away about how I feel, how lonely I feel, how weak I feel, I do know that this is mind unfolding. And it is mind unfolding for some kind of purpose even if I can’t see it. Mom and Dad are my heroes. They gave me so much but one thing they gave me that is so important right now is strong genes. I know I have the ability to fight through this. I just need to find the will. And that is mind. Consciousness. Universal Consciousness. Within Infinite consciousness has to be the strength to let this unfold for some purpose. I sound like a crazy man. I’ve hit rock bottom many times in my life. All the missed opportunities I’ve had, all the self destructive actions I have taken. I can’t even remember them all. All the break ups, all the loves lost or the ones never found. I don’t want to live a life full of only regrets. I really would like to make the end of my life which I know is near, the best part of my life since it hasn’t really been that great so far. I thought of that when I first got the diagnosis. That my life hasn’t been so great so far so just let it slip away and hope to go out peacefully. As you face death you face choice. I’m not ready to go out that way — to just fall asleep and not wake up. I just want to get through how I feel right now and hope for better days ahead. I know there are many things I will never be able to do or see, but I want to hang in there and see and do what I can for many years to come. And I want to do that differently than I have in the past. This song just came up on the random play. Thought I’d share it.

Ok so I’ll finish the Olympics story and give you something interesting to read rather that just hearing me muse about the end of my life and how it’s going to turn out. Just know that I hope this cancer and this chemo doesn’t kill me and that I have a few years left and I really do hope to make them count this time with some kind of purpose.

This was my birthday in 1996. Olympics in Atlanta with me three oldest nephews — Daniel, Steve and Thomas. They made me a cake. It was decorated with M&M’s. Great kids. As I said before Daniel and Steve were 15 and Thomas was 14 and they were all trying to figure out life. That’s a tough age but a fun age. We all had two week of fun. We saw boxing an tennis and gymnastics and basketball and volleyball and beach volleyball and handball. Swimming was the only thing I couldn’t get tickets for. We hung out in Centenial Olympic park. We were there the day of the bombing, but were back home before the bomb went off. Daniel and Thomas are vegetarians and Steve was a big meat eater. We at a lot of meals on the go at taco bell where they could all all indulge their preferences. Thomas made some baked barbecue tofu for dinner one night. It was good but something I had no interest in trying to repeat. I learned something about parenting during those weeks. I was pretty lenient. Sugar is not meat so they all ate lots of that including me. We got most of my move done but not all. It would take another 9 more months before I could sell the house in the suburbs where I thought I would raise a family with my wife. Not to be. Steve did electrical work. He was very handy. Daniel and Thomas not as motivated to work but they all helped move furniture and boxes of stuff. So we’d spend half the day trying get me moved into Decatur and half the day going to the Olympics. Lots of eyes wandering — there was lots of see, lots to look at. And it was all new to them. Daniel and Thomas lived on the Oregon coast and had never spent that much time in the city. It was so easy to get around with Marta. I’ve lost touch with Daniel and Thomas but glad to be back in touch with Steve. They have all had their challenges in life. Steve and Daniel are 40 now. Thomas 39 I think.

I want to continue talking about that move and my life and go where it takes me but right now I’m tired again. So I’m going to rest awhile.

Later. It takes so much out of me to do anything. People I talk to who have been through chemo tell me this is normal and I just have to get through it. The tiredness, the weakness, the exhaustion. People who haven’t tell me to be positive. It’s hard to be positive when you feel like shit. And I’m not sure I even believe in positive and negative. Terri just called from a pot shop in California. She is going to send me some different gummies that might help me sleep. I get so much support from family and friends. Sue called and we talked. She has been through chemo before so she knows what it’s like. I think I’ve mentioned that she is a nurse. I gave her the password to my medical portal so she can help me interpret eveything. She mentioned that my white blood cell count remained high which is another good sign. I wouldn’t know how to read the numbers on the reports. So I am getting lots of support. I have plenty of food in the freezer. And the chicken soup I made last night. It may have taken a lot of energy to make it but now I have it for a few days. So I just go on feeling tired and needing to rest after doing anything. Taking showers is really hard. I’m unsteady on my feet so I have to take extra precaution not to fall. Taking showers is the hardest thing I have to do. So I put it off for days. Right now, I am almost disgusted with myself since it’s been a few days. I was thinking about my life and realize it’s not that interesting. I look at it as a series of failures with some bright moments, some moments of true happiness. So maybe I’ll write about one of those. Falling in love with Lee.

I met Lee on an Atlanta ski club trip. We took several of those trips to different mountains in Colorado and Utah. I think I met her on a ski trip to Breck. She is beautiful as I hope you can see and we fell in love. That is the best feeling I have ever had. And Lee was the very best. We were together for probably three years. Never lived together but we each had places in town. This was after my move into town where I live now so it was probably 1998 or so when we met. We traveld well together. Besides the ski club trips and ski trips on our own, we went to Niagara Falls and of course to Hawaii. Hawaii has been the kiss of death for every single relationship. I have taken all my sexual partners to Hawaii. And none of those relationships have lasted. I think this picture is Hawaii. I have better pictures of her from Niagra Falls. I need to find one of those. My time with Lee was the best time of my life and I screwed it up. And she found someone else and I never did. We both worked in technology — She was at Oracle and I was with NCR. We were active always doing something together.

Lots of hiking, playing tennis, traveling, exploring, eating out — we both love great food. This one is at a Japanese restaurant. We had great sex and she was always willing to have sex. I was in heaven. I have always had a very strong sex drive which has been the source of most of my unhappiness in life. But with Lee it was truly one of the most joyous of times. The best three years of my life. And I threw it all away. I could have stayed but I let her go and someone else snatched her up. She even liked sports so we went to games and talked sports. March Madness was one of our favorite times. It was me who ended it. I wanted more. I was so fucking arrogant. I thought I was so great that I could do better. There was no one else to go to but I just assumed there would be. There never was. Here I was at age 50 or so and still couldn’t settle down. That’s been a theme in my life. Never settling. Never just being happy with what is — always wanting more. What a waste. I wish I knew then what I know now. How lonely life is without a partner. I should have learned that lesson by that age. Maybe she would have left me. I wonder. There might be a touch of borderline personality disorder in me. Ending something before the other one ended it because I couldn’t stand being dumped. Imaging the worst and taking destructive action to avoid it.

Pattie came along many years later. I don’t have a picture of her. She was a three week wet dream. I met her at Christian Science. We explored all the role playing fantasies that I wanted and that Lee wouldn’t. I was just so greedy. We played doctor and patient. We played schoolgirl and headmaster. We explored fantasies. BDSM stuff. It was white hot for those three weeks and then it petered out. I don’t think we really ever gave a relationship a chance. We just had sex. Lots of it. All the time. That is the last time I have had sex with someone and that was well over 15 years ago. Pattie did have borderline personality disorder. I studied it and she exhibited all the symptoms. I was in therapy at the time and my therapist pointed it out to me as I tried to recover from the break up. I read a book about it. She ended the relationship abruptly before it could ever get going and I was devastated. So we had white hot sex for three weeks but never built anything that could last. With Lee we did build a real relationship until I ended it because of stupid fantasies that I could do better. Who the fuck do I think I am. But Lee was the real and touchable. She wasn’t spiritual but she was present. I started to write about her because she brought me happiness and I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t think I deserved it. And so I walked away. That’s how fucked up I really am. I don’t know if writing about my life is interesting to you, but just that little bit of remembering made me realize that I do have a touch of borderline personality disorder. Not full blown like Pattie but enough to make me sabotage chances at happiness with another person. Just because I wanted more. I’m tired again so I’m going to stop. But I learned something about myself. And remembering being happy at this time when I feel so weak and tired. No regrets. I just have to grow from it. Maybe more tomorrow.