Jesus Christ Starts Rival Eternal Paradise After Family Rift

Friday 9:14AM (

THE COSMOS—In an acrimonious parting of ways that follows more than two millennia of heavenly collaboration, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, announced Friday He had started a rival eternal paradise after a bitter falling out with family. “Due to differing visions of what the future of heaven should look like, I have decided to leave the family business and build My own promised land,” Our Lord and Savior said of the new concept afterlife He calls JC’s Spot, which reportedly offers bespoke services to high-end clientele and includes strategic cross-faith partnerships with Buddha, Vishnu, and His father’s longtime rival Satan. “Heaven is stuffy, antiquated, and out of touch with what people want from salvation. But JC’s Spot will cater to the rapidly evolving tastes of elite souls, focusing less on harps and clouds and more on just drinking wine and hanging out in an exclusive section of the firmament.” At press time, Jesus was seen handing out fliers around churches hoping to lure away some of His Father’s old clients.

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