Yesterday 5:00AM (theonion.com)
CONWAY, AR—Faced with claims that he was too old to be living in the moment and enjoying life to the fullest, free-spirited man Daniel Lambert was informed Wednesday that it was time to grow up and stop being happy. “Look, man, I say this to you as a friend: You need to cut that shit out,” former roommate Marty Breton told Lambert, who has reportedly refused to let go of the things in life that bring him joy and is said to be content with his place in the world, failing to make the changes that would consign him to a miserable existence full of drudgery and meaninglessness. “That attitude was fine when we were younger, but for God’s sake, you’re 35! You’ve gotta start acting your age, buddy. Do yourself a favor and snap out of it before it’s too late.” At press time, sources confirmed Lambert remained in stubbornly high spirits and was continuing to embarrass himself by immaturely contemplating the sheer wonder of all the world had to offer.