February 26, 2019 (theonion.com)
VATICAN CITY—Hoping to gain new insights into the church’s sexual abuse problem by directly empowering those most likely to become its victims, Pope Francis announced Tuesday that he had elevated a 2-year-old boy to the position of bishop. “We’re confident Bishop Timmy can help us make real, systemic progress in addressing this issue,” the pope said following the toddler’s ordination mass, during which the new bishop drank from a chalice of consecrated Juicy Juice and was given liturgical vestments that included both a white linen snap-bottom onesie and a too-large mitre that kept slipping down his forehead. “For years, we’ve ignored the needs of these poor children, and now it’s time to give them a real voice within the clergy. His Excellency Timmy, who can speak at least 50 words and reproduce the sounds made by many of God’s creatures, will be that voice. I’m pleased to report several older clergymen have already volunteered to provide our youngest-ever bishop with one-on-one attention to ensure he is fully prepared for the role.” At press time, the new bishop was reportedly turning heads at the Vatican with his controversial decision to chew on a nearby crucifix.