By Alan Deakins (with permission)

August 8, 2022 (facebook.com)

It was just past 8.00 as I entered Auschwitz. I was asked what language I required for the guided tour. I said, “I really only want to be here. May I wander around alone?” “After 16.00.” was the reply. Touring the museum was not my plan…neither was waiting around for 8 hours. I bought a ticket and joined the English speaking group. I have seen all the pictures of the thousands of spectacles, prosthetics and shoes. Perhaps I was being too altruistic to just be there, to ponder to feel. Our guide was soft spoken, and she seemed to have a genuine deep feeling of reverence when she talked. I soon realised that the museum was actually Auschwitz itself. I decided to focus on the impressions, the textures. Perhaps then, I would be closer to my expectations. As we walked around and through some of the buildings,I began to feel as if I were alone. Past the spectacles, past the prosthetics…past the shoes. As I already knew. Then we were not to photograph the next room. We walked past piles of women’s hair. I was astounded…shocked…tears welled up, I was overcome with grief and loss. I don’t know about the others, but as we emerged from that bleak room I noticed my guide watching me with what I perceived understanding eyes. From there, I was immersed.

There is only one surviving gas chamber in Auschwitz-Beikenau. We were led into a featureless room. I was, by this time, feeling weak. My legs were aching from my pinched nerve and the effects of my fall from Bike. I attempted to take a picture of the texture of the wall, but suddenly had to steady myself as I snapped. And my fingers touched where hundreds of thousands of fingers scratched in a vain attempt to escape death. It was electrifying. The group had already left, and I was alone in that chamber as I collected myself.

From then on, I would be perpetually trying to catch up with the group. I was tired and aching…perhaps dazed. The thought crossed my mind that if this was 1944, a soldier would walk up to me and shoot me in the back of the head for not keeping up. My guide kindly waited for me throughout the rest of the tour. I left there not knowing what I felt. No enlightening moment, no epiphany…no decisive resolution in my mind, my self. A seventy year wait to be there…and that was that.

I needed to escape from the ugliness of that utilitarian, oppressive environment and find a bit of beauty. I happened upon a little wine café near my guesthouse. I sat with a much needed Chardonnay and a pretty vase of flowers to collect my thoughts.

I sat there staring at my glass of wine it seemed too pretty to drink. I finally succumbed to its allure. My visit, to me, was not complete. I was frustratingly empty. No answer. No relief. No resolution. Need there be…? That was that. I retreated to my room and promptly fell into a dreamless sleep. I awoke with a start. I was exceedingly hungry, and I desperately needed a pee. Life goes on.

I decided to wander around in search of something to eat, since I was not far from the centre of Oswiecim. The main square was an easy walk. As I entered the square, a lovely scene unfolded in front of me. It was filled with people, young and old. An open-air cinema was playing an obvious Hollywood family comedy dubbed in Polish. Grown-ups were gathered around beer kiosks, and children happily frolicked in the multi-coloured fountain.Life goes on. LIFE GOES ON…!!!!! And it came to me that for decades, this little town lived in the shadow of Auschwitz-Birkenau..but in reality, Auschwitz-Birkenau exists in the shadow of Oswiecim.

Auschwitz-Birkenau…it is what it is. A museum. A place of remembrance. To some, a hallowed ground. It is what it is. Not what it was. The horror, brutality and callous disregard for life is no longer there. It is what it is…an historic place existing in the shadow of life.

Life goes on. I remember reading Isaac Asimov explain Infinity in 2 words: ‘plus one’. How simple, elegant and beautiful. No matter how high you count, there will always be ‘plus one’ forever. Eternal. The life that animated the millions who perished at the hands of the Nazis is the same life, the same force that courses through me, carries me through through a lifetime of experiences. Experiences that will be added to life’s data bank…life’s infinitely expanding consciousness.

I don’t have answers for humankind’s propensity to violence, cruelty, brutality. Or why some people seem doomed to suffer terror, agony and pain. But I do know I came to Auschwitz for answers…in remembrance of lost souls. I did not connect. I didn’t have my hoped for epiphany. Instead I came to know life just a little bit better. No massive earth-haltering change. But…I feel lighter.

Life. It is what it is. I am who I am. I’ll live with that.

Note from Alan: The purpose of my visit (and indeed my bike odyssey) was to point out that the same cruel disregard for human life that happened 80 years ago there is happening once again as we speak on the European continent in Ukraine. I set out to raise money for the innocent civilians who are being slaughtered, the children having their arms and legs blown off and the psychological damage that needs to be rectified. I would request that readers go to my fundraising page to donate.

Dollars willingly accepted: www.JustGiving.com/fundraising/old-hippie-on-a-bike