All posts by Mike Zonta

John Boswell: Historian of gays and lesbians in Christianity

John BoswellJohn Boswell (1947-1994) was a prominent scholar who researched and wrote about the importance of gays and lesbians in Christian history.

Boswell, a history professor at Yale University, wrote such influential classics as Christianity, Social Tolerance, and Homosexuality (1980) and Same-Sex Unions in Premodern Europe (1994).

John Eastburn “Jeb” Boswel was born on March 20, 1947, in Boston to a military family. He converted from the Episcopal Church of his upbringing to Roman Catholicism at age 16. He attended mass daily until his death, even though as an openly gay Christian he disagreed with church teachings on homosexuality. He also helped found Yale’s Lesbian and Gay Studies Center in the late 1980s.

A linguistic genius, he used his knowledge of more than 15 languages to argue that the Roman Catholic Church did not condemn homosexuality until at least the 12th century in his book Christianity, Social Tolerance, and Homosexuality: Gay People in Western Europe from the Beginning of the Christian Era to the 14th Century. A 35th-anniversary edition was published in 2015 with a foreword by queer religion scholar Mark Jordan.

He joined the Yale faculty as assistant professor, was appointed a full professor in 1982 and served as chair of the history department from 1990-92.

Using some of his last strength as he battled AIDS, Boswell translated many rites of adelphopoiesis (Greek for making brothers) in his book Same-Sex Unions in Premodern Europe, presenting evidence that they were same-sex unions similar to marriage.

Boswell can be seen in a 1986 video lecturing on “Jews, Gay People, and Bicycle Riders” at the University of Wisconsin-Madison for the series “Out & About: Celebrating Gay and Lesbian Culture.”

A 25th-anniversary collection analyzing Boswell’s work was published as “The Boswell Thesis: Essays on Christianity, Social Tolerance, and Homosexuality,” edited by Mathew Kuefler. Scholars take many different approaches, looking at Boswell’s career and influence, a Roman emperor’s love letters to another man; suspected sodomy among medieval monks; and genderbending visions of mystics and saints.

A scholar challenges Boswell’s interpretations in the 2016 book “Brother-Making in Late Antiquity and Byzantium: Monks, Laymen, and Christian Ritual” by Claudia Rapp. She offers evidence that the brother-making rite bears no resemblance to marriage. The author is professor of Byzantine studies at the University of Vienna in Austria. It is included in the Top 35 LGBTQ Christian books of 2016.

Boswell died an untimely death at age 47 from AIDS-related illness on Christmas Eve 1994. He remains an unofficial saint to the many LGBTQ Christians who find life-giving spiritual value in his historical research that affirms queer people in Christian history.

Headstone of John Boswell and Jerone Hart

Shared gravestone of John Boswell and his life partner Jerone Hart (photo by Kickstand)

Boswell is buried beside his longtime partner Jerone Hart (1946-2010) at Grove Street Cemetery in New Haven, Connecticut. They are pictured together in photos on Boswell’s Findagrave.com page with the caption, “partners in life, for life.” Their shared headstone is shaped to look like a book. An inscription reads, “To live in one’s memory is never to die.”

Books by John Boswell

Christianity, Social Tolerance, and Homosexuality: Gay People in Western Europe from the Beginning of the Christian Era to the 14th Century

Same-Sex Unions in Premodern Europe

Links related to John Boswell

John Boswell profile at LGBT Religious Archives Network

John Boswell tribute at Yale AIDS Memorial Project (yamp.org)

John Boswell profile at Elisa Reviews and Ramblings

John E. Boswell, 47, Historian Of Medieval Gay Culture, Dies (New York Times)

John Boswell papers (Archives at Yale)
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This post is part of the LGBTQ Saints series by Kittredge Cherry. Traditional and alternative saints, people in the Bible, LGBTQ martyrs, authors, theologians, religious leaders, artists, deities and other figures of special interest to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender and queer (LGBTQ) people and our allies are covered.

Copyright © Kittredge Cherry. All rights reserved.
Qspirit.net presents the Jesus in Love Blog on LGBTQ spirituality.

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Kittredge Cherry

Founder at Q Spirit
Kittredge Cherry is a lesbian Christian author who writes regularly about LGBTQ spirituality.She holds degrees in religion, journalism and art history.She was ordained by Metropolitan Community Churches and served as its national ecumenical officer, advocating for LGBTQ rights at the National Council of Churches and World Council of Churches.

Asiana Airlines Crash: A Cockpit Culture Problem? (or why Group Dynamics is better than leader-centered leadership)

A tragic plane crash has reignited a debate about the influence of national culture inside the cockpit.

There’s no such thing as male and female DNA

(freethoughtblogs.com)

I’ve been away for a while — my beloved has been away for over a week (felt like longer), and I had to travel through the arctic wilderness and another icy storm to pick her up at the airport, and then we had to spend a night in a hotel because of said icy storm, and I just got home. It was aggravating because there was an extreme case of someone being wrong on the internet, and I’d left my laptop at home (it was supposed to be just a quick trip to Minneapolis and back!), so I was frustrated in my inability to reply. All I could see was Twitter, and that is not an appropriate place for a a sufficiently lengthy, ragey response.

It was Bryan Fischer. Savor the irony in this.

Bryan Fischer

@BryanJFischer

It’s a scientific, biological, genetic fact that DNA is either male or female. To reject that is to reject science. I’ll stick with science.

Robert Freedland@robertfreedland
Replying to @BryanJFischer

@LiveScience In the Bible everyone is either man or woman but reality is that are also individuals of ambiguous sexuality.

63 people are talking about this

It’s a scientific, biological, genetic fact that DNA is either male or female. To reject that is to reject science. I’ll stick with science.

Yeah, the young earth creationist wants to stick with the science. Look, simple answer first: DNA is not gendered. There is no difference in sequence, structure, or conformation between males and females. Fischer has invented a false fact that only serves the sanctimoniousness of assholes.

You can extract all the DNA you want from men and women, and except for one short segment from the Y chromosome, there’s no consistent difference. Sorry, gender essentialists, not sorry.

But when I pointed this out in all the brevity possible on Twitter, we got a helpful idiot to show up.

PZ Myers@pzmyers

Wow. How does that work? Left twist for female, right for male?

I hate to tell you this, but DNA is not gendered in any way.

John Howard@eggandsperm

@BryanJFischer He means a DNA test reveals XY or XX. Also, gamete DNA is erased and imprinted differently by males and females.

See John Howard’s other Tweets

He means a DNA test reveals XY or XX. Also, gamete DNA is erased and imprinted differently by males and females.

Isn’t it sweet when someone says something plainly stupid, and then a fellow traveler rushes forward to tell you what they really meant to say, and then gives you a completely different and also completely wrong statement to help them out? He has added 111 characters that will require far more words to untangle, and all he has done is obfuscated and complicated everything, and gotten it wrong still.

I had to look up Mr @EggAndSperm, although his Twitter handle is about enough to tell you about his weird obsession.

Male and female are reproductive rights. #BanMalePregnancy #EndGayMarriage #NMRA Natural Marriage and Reproduction Act

Oh, boy. Here we go. Someone who is very concerned that people must obey the natural order, as determined by him. He has tapped a pet peeve of mine, the confusion between what is natural and what is unnatural, used as a 2×4 to club people over the head to insist that they follow his derived social rules.

Here’s an extreme example of what I mean. Mr @EggAndSperm might be going about buggering ducks, and I’d rather he didn’t. I’ve almost certainly lost the argument if I go up to Mr @EggAndSperm and declare to him, “Hey, you, stop the duck buggering — it’s unnatural!” Because, of course, it is perfectly natural; if it wasn’t he wouldn’t be able to do it. There is no physical law that says Mr @EggAndSperm can’t bugger ducks. He requires no supernatural assistance to indulge in this behavior.

On the other hand, a good argument would be that he should stop buggering ducks because it’s cruel, it causes the animal pain, and it’s distressing to other people to witness. It does harm, and the duck did not consent. I don’t have to invoke an invisible Lord of the Cosmos who objects and plans to send the duck-buggering Mr @EggAndSperm to hell for it.

But I have to admit that the social more that we don’t sexually abuse ducks is actually not a natural law, and is flexible and more a function of social context than anything else. You have to value the life of an animal and place that somewhere above Mr @EggAndSperm’s sexual gratification, which again is a social construct that is not fixed.

Obviously. Because the same culture that frowns upon duck-buggering thinks it’s just fine to shoot that same duck, chop off its head, rip off its feathers, disembowel it, cook it, and eat its flesh.

So please, don’t ever try to persuade me which behaviors are reasonable and good by invoking “nature”. Nature doesn’t care. Tell me about values and reason. You’re going to have a tough time coming up with a rationale for prohibiting a behavior that does no one, not even ducks, any harm, and is fully consensual.

But this is Mr @EggAndSperm’s whole schtick: he doesn’t like it when other people engage in sexual activities of which he disapproves, because it ain’t natural. He’s got a whole websitededicated to deploring other people’s private habits.

Dedicated to stopping genetic engineering of human beings, and preserving natural conception rights. All people should be created equal, by the union of a woman and a man.

Another peeve of mine is when people misuse science to claim authority. This is Mr @EggAndSperm’s whole attitude: he puts on the mantle of science to wag his righteous finger at gay people and in vitro fertilization, all while babbling about ‘ensoulment’ and ‘natural order’.

But let’s return to his original elaboration/revision of Fischer’s claim.

Male and female are not so simply defined by X and Y chromosomes, and it’s dishonest to pretend that they are. Most people have not had their chromosome complement examined and tested; we go through our whole lives assessing the sex of other individuals through other cues, most of them cultural. We do not inspect people’s genitals to figure out whether they’re men or women (although, apparently, the Republicans would like the option). Gender is revealed in a lot of ways by human beings, and most of them have nothing to do with biology.

The Y chromosome does have a trigger to initiate development of male gonads, and those gonads produce hormones that shift the individual to a particular mode of development, most of the time. There are exceptions. I consider it a mistake to focus on the infrequent exceptions to invalidate the kind of gender essentialism Fischer and Mr @EggAndSperm want to promote — it accepts that gender is fixed as a product of chromosomes. I’d rather point out that gender is a heck of a lot more complicated than that, that these mostly invisible biological cues are largely irrelevant in practice, and that the cognitive/behavioral aspects of sex are typically far more important to individuals.

His abuse of imprinting is somewhat novel to me. It’s also wrong.

Imprinting is a process in which the maternal or paternal parent differentially inactivates or activates genes in their gametes. There are genes in early development which are very sensitive to dosage; having two copies of that gene active is damaging, having no active copies of that gene is even worse, but having exactly one active copy is just right. So one parent shuts off the copy in their gametes, while the other leaves it active.

It’s largely arbitrary which parent does what, as long as the final result is one active and one suppressed copy in the diploid zygote. So what we see is basically a random distribution: some genes are suppressed by mom, some by dad.

It doesn’t matter because — and this is the point that Mr @EggAndSperm sneakily glosses over — you’ve got both a maternal and paternal copy. Both! If you’re going to use imprinting to argue that there is male and female DNA, you’re just going to have to accept the fact that we’re all made up of half chromosomes from a maternal source, and half from a paternal source — we’re half male and half female.

Somehow, I don’t think that’s what Fischer wants to argue.

Also, I have to point out that imprinting has only been found in a small number of genes, on the order of a hundred, and of those, even fewer have been found to have physiological/developmental significance. It’s a feeble straw to grasp at.

So bottom line: Both Fischer and Mr @EggAndSperm are full of shit. They are ideologically driven cranks who are abusing science to make bogus claims about gender.

I’m also tempted to go out and get pregnant as a man just to piss off Mr @EggAndSperm, except that the idea of someone without a uterus carrying a pregnancy to term is only a theoretical possibility, so it’s kind of silly to have a website dedicated to preventing it, and the only men who have become pregnant do have uteruses, which I do not.

Biography: Alan Watts

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Alan Watts
AlanWatts Bio11.png
Born
Alan Wilson Watts

6 January 1915

Chislehurst, England
Died 16 November 1973 (aged 58)

Nationality
  • British
  • American
Alma mater Seabury-Western Theological Seminary
Notable work
The Way of Zen (1957)
Spouse(s)
  • Eleanor Everett
    (m. 1938; div. 1949)
  • Dorothy DeWitt
    (m. 1950; div. 1963)
  • Mary Jane Yates King (m. 1964)
Era Contemporary philosophy
School
Institutions
Main interests

Alan Wilson Watts (6 January 1915 – 16 November 1973) was a British-American[1] philosopher who interpreted and popularised Eastern philosophy for a Western audience. Born in Chislehurst, England, he moved to the United States in 1938 and began Zen training in New York. Pursuing a career, he attended Seabury-Western Theological Seminary, where he received a master’s degree in theology. Watts became an Episcopal priest in 1945, then left the ministry in 1950 and moved to California, where he joined the faculty of the American Academy of Asian Studies.

Watts gained a large following in the San Francisco Bay Area while working as a volunteer programmer at KPFA, a Pacifica Radio station in Berkeley. Watts wrote more than 25 books and articles on subjects important to Eastern and Western religion, introducing the then-burgeoning youth culture to The Way of Zen (1957), one of the first bestselling books on Buddhism. In Psychotherapy East and West (1961), Watts proposed that Buddhism could be thought of as a form of psychotherapy and not a religion. He considered Nature, Man and Woman (1958) to be, “from a literary point of view—the best book I have ever written.”[2] He also explored human consciousness in the essay “The New Alchemy” (1958) and in the book The Joyous Cosmology (1962).

Towards the end of his life, he divided his time between a houseboat in Sausalito and a cabin on Mount Tamalpais. According to the critic Erik Davis, his “writings and recorded talks still shimmer with a profound and galvanizing lucidity.”[3]

More at:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alan_Watts

How Close is Science to Understanding Consciousness?


scienceandnonduality
Published on Nov 14, 2015

Home

Fascinating conversation with Stuart Hameroff, Julia Mossbridge, Henry Stapp and Chris Fields, Donald Hoffman facilitated by A.H. Almaas

Four different scientists with varying views of consciousness or mind. This panel will be a conversation between these different views to understand their contributions, and to see how they understand each other, and how they relate to other theories of consciousness. The point is to have a genuine deep dialogue between scientific theories of consciousness to find commonalities, and the meaning of the differences. We will explore whether scientific theories have a consensus about anything relating to consciousness, like an operating definition of consciousness. I will be facilitating with an eye from the nondual view of consciousness, to ask questions and address issues in the study of consciousness that can help in looking deeper into the assumptions and conclusions of each theory.

Report Reveals Jesus Christ May Have Benefited From Father’s Influential Position To Gain High-Powered Role As Lord And Savior

April 1, 2019 (theonion.com) 

NEW HAVEN, CT—In a groundbreaking new report on one of the most revered figures in religious history, top biblical scholars published findings Monday that suggest Jesus Christ may have relied on the influence of His well-connected father, God, to land His powerful role as Lord and Savior to mankind.

Examining evidence from the Gospels, as well as recently unearthed ancient Christian and Gnostic texts, researchers at Yale Divinity School concluded that Christ’s close familial relationship to the Creator of Heaven and Earth likely contributed to His meteoric rise from obscure carpenter to high-level divinity, giving Him a leg up over candidates who may have been more qualified for a position within the Holy Trinity.

“The selection of Jesus to become the Messiah appears to be a clear-cut case of nepotism,” said noted theologian and report co-author Philip Baxter, who remarked that in first-century Judea, it was widely believed John the Baptist was the frontrunner to sit at the right hand of the Father. “Until the age of 30, Christ’s only employment had been as a laborer with His stepfather’s woodworking business. So we must ask: How does someone with no background in management suddenly get put in charge of a 12-apostle team? And how exactly does a person with no prior experience as a monarch get appointed King of Kings?”

“God likes to claim He moves in mysterious ways, but there doesn’t seem to be too much mystery here at all,” Baxter continued. “This looks like blatant favoritism.”

The scholars behind the report said revised translations of the Gospel of Luke reveal that during the Annunciation, the archangel Gabriel not only foretold the birth of Jesus but also mentioned to the Virgin Mary that he hoped soon to be promoted to Messiah and to deliver the Jews from bondage. The report states that Gabriel, with centuries of divine service behind him, was justifiably suspicious when he wound up relegated to his dead-end messenger job and the promotion instead went to Jesus, who just happened to be God’s only begotten son.

This reportedly created an atmosphere of low morale among God’s longer-tenured servants, who believed the young Jesus would never have been given such a position if His father had not been He Who Reigns Supreme Over All That Is Seen And Unseen.

“Jesus would go around telling this story of His humble beginnings, how He was born to a refugee seeking shelter in a manger, but in reality, He was a child of privilege,” said Baxter, remarking that Jesus was well aware that His father, who had created the universe and everything in it, would always be able to provide for Him. “It was easy for Him to tell people, ‘Ask, and it shall be given,’ or ‘Knock, and it shall be opened unto you,’ because that’s pretty much how life works if your dad is an all-powerful, all-knowing deity.”

“In the meantime, a lot of angels and prophets who had been angling for Jesus’s position are looking on in disgust as this ne’er-do-well son goes around from party to party multiplying loaves and fishes and turning water into wine,” Baxter added.

Leaders of several Christian denominations denounced the report, arguing that Jesus earned His role on merit and was fully qualified to bring salvation to all mankind. According to a Vatican spokesman, God was “pretty hands-off” in His son’s career, and, if anything, Jesus had to work twice as hard to get out from underneath the Heavenly Father’s shadow. Meanwhile, a representative from the Eastern Orthodox Church sought to rebut the report’s claim that Jesus never actually fasted in the desert, but instead went on a 40-day-and-night-long bender to escape the responsibilities of his ministry.

Nonetheless, the report does document occasions on which God appears to have pulled strings on His son’s behalf: For example, Jesus was allowed to retain His position as Lord and Savior despite a criminal record that came to include violating the Sabbath, multiple acts of sorcery, and disorderly conduct in a Jewish temple.

“Even after He was condemned to death and crucified, His father still intervened to make sure Jesus didn’t face any lasting consequences for His actions,” Baxter said in reference to God raising His son from the dead. “Most people don’t bounce back from a mistake like that. Most people don’t get that second chance.”

“No one swooped in three days later to resurrect John the Baptist after he was beheaded, that’s for sure,” Baxter added.

Falling In Love With A Polyamorous Man Helped Me Become Chill AF

We all have to write our own love stories.

Photo by Danielle MacInnes on Unsplash

Have you ever taken the Five Love Languages test? Just like the MBTI, I have been taking the test for about 16 years and I always get the same results. I wind up in a three-way tie for Words of AffirmationPhysical Touch, and Quality Time.

The thing is, you’re supposed to wind up with a top two when you take the test, not a top three. But I think I’ve always been a bit hungry for love. Okay, maybe even ravenous. In The Five Love Languages book, Gary C. Chapman writes how our love languages reflect the way we prefer to give and receive love. He also refers to our “love tank” veering toward empty or full, and I admit mine tends to be on the empty side.

See? Ravenous for good reason.

Of course, I’m also a very fluffy and emotional INFP. My love for words of affirmation in romantic relationships has often been unquenchable. Meaning that for the longest time, I lived for verbal affirmation from my partners. In fact, it used to dictate how I felt within the relationship and even how I felt about myself. So it wasn’t exactly healthy.

If I was getting a lot of positive affirmation, I felt good. So my mood fluctuated up and down depending upon the number of good words I was getting. It was like riding an unreliable high because some days I felt deeply loved and other days nothing was ever enough.

And I acted out accordingly.

My addiction to sweet words was clearly problematic. Sometimes partners say things they don’t mean, or don’t really think about the impact before they say it. Me being autistic, I tended to take men literally in romantic relationships. If they said they needed me, I believed it must be true because, why else would they say it if they didn’t mean it?

Another problem with riding the wave of affirmation? I tended to make many assumptions and took my relationships much further in my mind. All because I took those words to heart and I wanted them to mean more.

Looking over the trends in my past relationships, I can see where I ran into problems with unhealthy expectations. I got carried away with wanting to know the people I cared about also cared for me too.

I don’t have a great history with love, and like most other people with borderline personality disorder, I’ve had my abandonment issues. That means I’ve spent way too much energy trying to get my partners to tell me what I meant to them.

Finally, like many other INFPs and folks with a traumatic family history, I love love. I love the idea of love. I have always wanted to love and be loved. So much so that I’ve prioritized it even when I shouldn’t.


But a funny thing happened a couple summers ago. After going on a long string of dates through OkCupid, but finding no actual spark, I finally fell for a guy in Atlanta (about two hours away). Except he’s poly.

Honestly, polyamory was never my bag. I think the biggest strike against it was how many men I’ve met who call themselves poly but only treat their primary partner well. If even. There are way too many entitled “poly” men treating partners like objects and gap-fillers.

Whether I’m going to be a primary or secondary to anyone, I believe I’m a good partner who deserves a real relationship. And I shouldn’t have to settle to be anyone’s gap-filler. Nor should I put up with lies or bullshit. Which, to be fair, isn’t what polyamory is about.

Furthermore, my daughter’s dad came out as poly years ago, and I never found him to be believable or authentic about it. He has a long history of cheating since his teen years, and always justified it by blaming each woman he had an affair with. And I’ve never seen him genuinely care about more than one person at a time.

Even just one is… a bit pushing it.

So I’ve been well aware that some people use the poly label out of selfishness and that’s definitely rubbed me the wrong way.

Knowing I have these feelings, when I contemplated dating Mister Atlanta, I was pretty sure that he would break my heart. I actually pictured myself staring at the phone and crying, thinking about him wanting to be with someone who wasn’t me. So I didn’t think I could ever handle poly. I thought it would end in my pining away for someone I could never “have.”

If I hadn’t felt like we might have a real connection, I would have never agreed to meet him. But I did, and I have to say he’s one of my favorite people in the whole world.

A year-and-a-half later, I hesitate to call what Mister Atlanta and I have a “relationship” simply because we don’t see each other or even talk too much these days. I could talk to him more… but I’m so focused on rebuilding my life through writing that it doesn’t seem urgent. He also has his own career to work on and is currently pitching a series to Netflix (no, not about poly.)

At the same time, I have zero interest in pursuing any connection else with anyone else. That could change if a new connection presented itself, but for now, I’m at peace about my singleness and connection to Mister Atlanta because trying poly helped change the way I view relationships.

1. We don’t have to force a relationship to go anywhere or be anything.

It took me ages to understand that you can be in a healthy relationship without having any expectations, without labeling it, and without trying to push it through some predetermined course. Some things can simply be.

This can be hard if you’re coming from a religious background where courtship was stressed and marriage was always the goal. Dating Mister Atlanta has taught me that a relationship can be successful even if it doesn’t lead to something more, like a primary partnership, exclusivity, or marriage.

2. It’s okay to be in very different places.

Mister Atlanta is a business manager in his forties, twice divorced, and a big world traveler. I am a 36-year-old single mom of a four-year-old little girl, and I don’t drive. When we first met, my work from home was going well, but less than a year later I had to start over and begin a personal writing career.

I am now on an entirely new path. My life is complicated and in one sense tethered —since it can’t just be anything I want it to be when my daughter comes first.

I used to think that I could never date anyone in such a different stage of life, yet whenever I’m with him, I understand that the way I feel around him is the type of relationship I ultimately want long-term. I feel completely at peace and free to be myself without apology. I don’t feel like I have to perform for him at all. I feel fully valued despite our differences.

Strangely, I feel hopeful and energized to know there are men like him in the world. Guys who love to travel and get out of the house. Men who have real hobbies beyond videogames or sports. Honestly, I could get caught up in all the ways he fits my “ideal” for a partner, but instead, it makes me hopeful that I’ll meet someone in the future and eventually settle down when it makes good sense.

3. Having a connection and simply having fun is enough.

Some people are clearly people persons. I have more of a… love/hate relationship with humanity. My relationships with other people can be so complicated that it’s rare for me to meet a person who sets me at ease and makes me feel like I could be around them all the time without feeling like it was too much.

With Mister Atlanta, I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how much time has passed between us. Whenever we finally see each other again, our time together feels pretty damn near perfect. Sure, part of that is because I love him. But who knew I could love someone without seeing him or talking to him daily? Not me.

Ultimately, my day to day life is all about raising my daughter and focusing on my writing. So spending time with Mister Atlanta helps me feel good — like I’m more than just a single mom. And there’s nothing wrong with the casual nature of that.

4. We’re in charge of the way we feel about our own relationships.

I know that anytime I need to talk something out with Mister Atlanta, I can tell him and we’ll talk about it. He won’t try to avoid talking or say whatever he thinks I want to hear just to shut me up. He will see the entire conversation through. And I trust him to be real with me, which is a huge deal in my book.

Through those conversations, I’ve learned that all I really need is that bit of trust that my partner will make time to talk things out with me. Beyond that, I’m not looking for words of affirmation from my relationships anymore. I’ve learned how to feel good within a relationship without needing to hear compliment after compliment to finally believe (for a day) that I matter. The reality is that I do matter, but no partner can give me a sense of my own self-worth.

5. Boundaries matter and we can’t blame our partner for our failure to have any.

For ages, I used to have a terrible time falling in love because I lost myself every time. I gave more than I should have given, and more than my partners could return, and then I felt frustrated when they didn’t reciprocate. I didn’t understand how to make appropriate boundaries.

Seeing Mister Atlanta helped me finally set boundaries for myself in a relationship. I finally quit scheduling my life around whatever works for the other person. I started saying no, that doesn’t work for me. And I finally quit stressing out about who was giving or getting.

This has been incredibly freeing–to finally love without losing myself in that love. I now have great confidence that when someone new does enter my life, it will no longer be filled with drama or tears.


I suppose you could say that dating a poly guy in a long-distance scenario helped me learn how to mellow out about love. And how to quit seeing myself as valuable only if and when someone else loves me.

At the end of the day, we each must write our own narratives about love and no one else can write our stories for us. We can spend a lifetime expecting others to tell us who we are and what love should be, but it will only leave us unhappy and waste more time.

Am I poly? No. But I’ve learned a great deal about love after falling for a poly man. I’ve learned that I can deal with polyamorous relationships a helluva lot better than I ever guessed. I also learned how to see my relationships more honestly and clearly than in the past when I imagined or even tried to force them to be something else.

And one day I realized I was in love with a man who could never love me back. I was living in a fairy tale.

-Jenny, Big Fish

The reality is that I could have learned these lessons through other relationships, sure. Maybe it’s not specifically because Mister Atlanta is poly. But his poly nature forced me to deal with some of my relationship issues and move forward.

For most of my life, I lived in a fairy tale about love, and I couldn’t explain why I was always so unhappy about it.

Now, I am happy to say that I no longer obsess about love. I don’t obsess about Mister Atlanta or any other date that comes up. I don’t obsess about my relationship status. And I’m grateful that my positive experience with poly forced me to confront so many of my attitudes that needed to change.

The nature of consciousness – Interview with Alan Hugenot


Anthony Chene production
Published on Dec 7, 2015
An Interview by Anthony Chene: http://www.anthonychene.com
Dr. Alan Ross Hugenot talks about his near-death experience and how he ended up being a medium. He explains the nature and capabilities of our consciousness, and why science has to change its viewpoint to really understand it.

Dr. Alan Ross Hugenot’s website : http://www.afterlife.pro

Waiting for the Barbarians 

TRANSLATED BY EDMUND KEELEY

What are we waiting for, assembled in the forum?

      The barbarians are due here today.
Why isn’t anything going on in the senate?
Why are the senators sitting there without legislating?
      Because the barbarians are coming today.
      What’s the point of senators making laws now?
      Once the barbarians are here, they’ll do the legislating.
Why did our emperor get up so early,
and why is he sitting enthroned at the city’s main gate,
in state, wearing the crown?
      Because the barbarians are coming today
      and the emperor’s waiting to receive their leader.
      He’s even got a scroll to give him,
      loaded with titles, with imposing names.
Why have our two consuls and praetors come out today
wearing their embroidered, their scarlet togas?
Why have they put on bracelets with so many amethysts,
rings sparkling with magnificent emeralds?
Why are they carrying elegant canes
beautifully worked in silver and gold?
      Because the barbarians are coming today
      and things like that dazzle the barbarians.
Why don’t our distinguished orators turn up as usual
to make their speeches, say what they have to say?
      Because the barbarians are coming today
      and they’re bored by rhetoric and public speaking.
Why this sudden bewilderment, this confusion?
(How serious people’s faces have become.)
Why are the streets and squares emptying so rapidly,
everyone going home lost in thought?
      Because night has fallen and the barbarians haven’t come.
      And some of our men just in from the border say
      there are no barbarians any longer.
Now what’s going to happen to us without barbarians?
Those people were a kind of solution.

C. P. Cavafy, “Waiting for the Barbarians” from C.P. Cavafy: Collected Poems. Translated by Edmund Keeley and Philip Sherrard. Translation Copyright © 1975, 1992 by Edmund Keeley and Philip Sherrard. Reproduced with permission of Princeton University Press.

Source: C.P. Cavafy: Collected Poems (Princeton University Press, 1975)

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