Pisces
The stars foresee many amazing things ahead of you this week, but really, they’re too good to just tell you about in advance.
Aries
You’re sick and tired of being treated like a child, except for the sexy parts where they change your dirty, filthy diapers.
Taurus
Remember: If you give in to the impulses to do whatever you want with your life, you’ll become one of those happy, satisfied people you resent so much.
Gemini
You may treasure the sense of mystery you have about the future, but really, learning the days of the week won’t ruin the magic.
Cancer
Travel and adventure are in your future this week as your captors continue crossing state lines to stay one step ahead of the law.
Leo
You’ll wake up naked in a hotel bed between the corpses of a prostitute and a district attorney and have no memory of what happened, but presumably it’s the same situation as last time.
Virgo
You’ll soon experience redoubled energy, a renewed sense of purpose, and a profound rush of confidence, proving once again that cocaine cannot be trusted.
Libra
Your sneaking feeling that people are out to get you just shows how delusional you are, as you should know damn good and well that they’re out to get you.
Scorpio
They say lightning never strikes twice, which doesn’t explain what’s been happening to you at three o’clock every Wednesday for the past three months.
Sagittarius
You always dreamed of being a human cannonball, but you had no idea that advances in artillery technology would limit your career to a very small number of appearances.
Capricorn
They’ll say what you did to all those nurses was unspeakable and ugly, but you know in your heart they’re all really just jealous.
Aquarius
You may have great quantities of bravado, élan, and puissance, but there’s no way to be sure until you find out what those words mean.