It’s the hidden barrier to success
Published in On The Couch
1 day ago (Medium.com)
You’re determined to get to the top.
You are bursting with ideas. You have the talent, the drive, the work ethic — you are committed and persistent.
There is literally no reason for you not to reach the highest level in your field.
Except this. It’s the one that rears its beastly head over and over in therapy; it’s the hidden barrier to success, it’s the saboteur of a thousand dreams.
It’s the one you absolutely have to stare down if you want to hit your straps — if you’re ever going to fulfil your potential.
Shame.
What’s a shame wound?
Shame wounds frequently show up in therapy.
No-one signs on with the intention of addressing their shame wounds — at least they don’t frame it that way.
But when we start to dig down into their core beliefs, thought patterns and behaviours, we’ll often find an old wound, one that’s been papered over by time but has never fully healed.
Shame wounds are the emotional scars caused by early experiences or messages that make us feel humiliated or ashamed of ourselves.
Sometimes, those scars have their origins in traumatic childhood or youthful events; sometimes those early messages came with maliciousness or a hefty dose of sarcasm by people who were supposed to love us.
But sometimes the words or actions weren’t meant to offend — it’s just that the timing meant they struck a sensitive chord. They pierce our emotional skins — and stay with us.
Think about it like this:
Perhaps someone laughed at your drawings, told you that you weren’t co-ordinated or bad at maths or reminded you that your sister was the writer in the family (not you)? Or perhaps you were never picked for a sports team or told to forget whatever you loved to do because you could never make a living out of it?
And it started to bed itself into your psyche.
The power of healing
“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” ― Brené Brown
Most of us probably have some early experience of feeling ashamed, embarrassed or inadequate. For the luckier ones, it was fleeting and largely forgotten. For others, it was repeat behaviour that led to a festering internal belief that they were inadequate, flawed or unworthy.
Recovery relies on recognising that those wounds don’t have to be carried forward. Because it’s a tragedy if they get in the way of future success, whether that be in sport, work, relationships or life.
Okay, I confess a blog post is a fairly poor substitute for therapy. But, in a nutshell, here are the steps to take.
Identify the pain point
It can be painful to revisit your shame story, but it’s helpful to go there. If you hide from it, or avoid it, it will grow bigger in your mind. So trawl back through your history until you find the pain point (or period in your life when it happened) and sit with those feelings for a little while. There is power in knowing WHY and also in knowing that you are no longer the person you were when shame first burned in. You no longer need to be controlled by it.
Shame and guilt are not twins.
Shame is a feeling — a deeply painful one. Researcher and bestselling author Brené Brown describes shame as the “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Ouch. No wonder we keep it buried.
It’s common to bind guilt and shame together, which makes us feel even worse. So think of it like this: guilt relates to your “bad behaviour”, shame says you’re a “bad person”.
We all behave or perform poorly at times, but that doesn’t mean we are bad or lowly people. Not at all. So keep the things you’ve done wrong in the “guilt” bucket and tell yourself bad behaviour is permissible as long as you take steps to redeem it. AND you don’t keep repeating it.
Step into the arena (with baby steps)
Shame hurts so we tend to avoid possible triggers for it. That’s a mistake because it makes it seem even bigger, and more scary. And it makes us feel smaller.
So put yourself in situations where you could potentially feel a flicker of shame at your performance. You’ll realise it’s only a feeling and, as such, it can’t hurt you. The more you get used to it, the more it will shrink in size and threat. The more you’ll realise the shame is YOUR feeling so you will feel it at full intensity. Others will barely notice.
What you do is only part of who you are
Shame wounds hurt more when you attach your self-worth to external achievement rather than your value as a person. So begin with the person you are. Focus on being kind, decent and loving. Try to behave in ways that reflect your values. Ultimately that’s what you — all of us — will be judged for.
Act, anyway
There are plenty of reasons to put your dreams on ice, or even give up on them. Our life circumstances often get in the way.
But shame-related anxiety shouldn’t be one of those reasons. If it is, the echo of that regret will sit on your shoulder for a long time.
So be honest about what’s holding you back.
As playwright August Wilson put it:
Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.”
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Written by Karen Nimmo
Editor for On The Couch
Clinical psychologist, author of 4 books. Editor of On the Couch: Practical psychology for health and happiness. karen@onthecouch.co.nz