Ned Henry January 28, 2021 · nedhenry.medium.com

1:30 AM so I’m still winding down with Indica. I got the vape pen working finally and had some left so got a few hits in. Got pretty stoned actually. It was good. Anyway, I sat down to tell another story. So I’ve talked about Kay Redmond and the Kay Redmond ski trips. That’s where I met like Sue, Allen, Mike, Kay, Sue’s family, — I don’t remember who else. Well Kay died. I told that story already. We watched HMS Pinafore together. So the following year after she died, I volunteered to run the trip the following year. I was thining about this because I remembered how resentful I was but we’ll get to that.

Now this was January of 2008 but I had to book it a year earlier and pay a deposit on I guess 6 condos if I remember. Go look. You have the file. There were 8 condos of 6 people each and another one held over and rented for a second week of skiing. So the trip included Condos, Lift tickets for 5 days I guess (and you could go to Vail or Beaver Creek once during the week). The trip was to Keystone and you could ski Keystone, Breck or A-Basin on the same lift ticket. Airfare (optional) for $240.80 round trip from Atlanta to Denver, bus to and from DEN to the condos, discounts on ski rentals and ski lessons. This was Kay’s way to pay as little as possible for a ski trip. She negotiated everything and well so did I and I am a pretty good negotiator. I had sign up sheets so I had a profile on everyone, what they wanted and needed, what they liked to ski — Blues, Greens or Blacks. Mostly Blues on these trips. I put the condos together with some semblance of common interests. I mean I really out a lot of effort into making this a not just a successful trip but a great trip and a great deal for everyone. So this trip cost -Shit I just found a Kay Redmond Ski Group debit card in my name so I could just charge everything as I had to make deposits. I think everyone pretty much paid on time and if I am reading these deposit records correctly, it costs right around $600 for the week without airfare. I did a fucking great job and even though I got a free trip out of it, I wanted to be tipped for all the work I did for a year. Well on that last bus ride to the airport, they passed around a hat for the tip and I got $170 from 47 people. I was incensed. I couldn’t believe it. I gave it to the guy who came on the trip and created a website for me so we could do sign ups and get information and ask questions. I was going to tip him anyway but gave him the whole thing. I was so insulted. I felt like I had been wronged. I took it personally. How dare they? I burned friendships to the fucking ground. Including a golf buddy I had played with every Saturday for some 5 years. I wrote one of those fuck you emails when I got back to Atlanta and just let it all out. Sue and Allen came back and eventually others. Of course there were most on that trip I have long lost touch with. Bob Boozer from choir died on that trip. I think I told you that. He slipped getting off the bus when we first arrived at the condos and hit his head and immediately went to the hospital in Frisco and was airlifted to Atlanta and then died there a few weeks later. He didn’t die from the fall but from Prostate cancer and he just wanted one last run on the mountain before he passed. I have held resentment in me for years about this trip. And it was such a great trip, such a beautiful experience for everyone. We ate all our dinners together as one big group. We came together. And yet I wanted more. I wasn’t satisfied with just the experience, I wanted to be paid for being a great travel agent putting this all together, all the details, keeping everything straight and everyone happy. Why is that? What do I need? The resentment does not serve me. What do I want? A reward, an attaboy, a real thank you. I have to let go of the resentment and find out something else. This is what RHS is for. It’s 2 AM and I am going to lie down and try to close my eyes. But I am glad I remembered this story.

I do not know what anything is for?

9 AM — woke up at 7 with a frozen left foot. Tried all kinds of things different positions to warm it up, Cranked the heat to 75. I think it got down to 27 last night. Put the weighted blanket back in the microwave at 5 AM and then just tried to warm my feet up. Nodded off and on for while and just gave up and got up. Got coffee now and am emerging from the massive cocoon of blankets I have on the bed. I have absolutely nothing written down on my calendar today. Liz might come over. It’s 36 out there now. If it doesn’t warm up and she does come over, it will be a short visit on the deck.

Let’s see what Marianne has to say for day 26. I’m 2 days behind her. Marianne didn’t write the course. Noone knows who did. She just reads the daily lessons and comments on them.

ACIM Lesson 26 — My attack thoughts are attacking my invulnerability. This one is going to take some real thinking. It’s timely in light of the ski trip story as well as the cold feet and the cancer and everything.

My sister Peg sent me this 18 minute Ted Talk. It is very good. There are several gems of wisdom in it. It’s by a woman discussing how she dealt with a deadly disease at a very young age and had a baby in the process and what she did to transform her life and her situation. It is an inspiring story and one we can all learn from. But it is her story. Her transformation and her gift to us to share it in this way. It’s almost how I would do it if I could but not quite. I remember when I played golf, I would visualize each shot before I hit it. I was never very good at golf but I did really enjoy playing the game. But I would see that 150 yard approach shot and take out a 6 iron, line up the shot and see the ball land 3 feet from the pin. Of course it rarely happened that way. Most of the time I missed the green. I just didn’t have the skill at the game to be consisent. And I didn’t take enough time on the range to practice. But listen to what this woman has to say. There are pearls in there.

12:20 PM — TOOK A LONG HOT SHOWER. The kind my dad would hate. It would have driven him nuts. His idea of a shower is a Navy shower. Get in, get wet, turn the water off, soap up, then turn the water on, rinse and get out. We had some long drag out battles over my showers. I just wanted to luxuriate in the shower. He might have thought I was jacking off and I might have been but I didn’t do that that much in the shower. Of course I wasn’t paying the water bills and and the gas bills for some 14 people that lived in that house. And he was. Nevertheless I had a great long hot shower today and I feel better. My left foot is still numb. Sue thinks it might be the Vincristine in the R-CHOP chemo cocktail. It might be timidity. This IS all about my thoughts. My attack thoughts are attacking my invulnerability. Got a lovely response from the nutrition lady at Winship, Stephanie, about my morning shakes which I have abandoned of late. Too much hassle. She encouraged me to make a couple of changes and go ahead and make batches that will last a few days. If it’s more convenient, then I will drink them more often. It was that way in the past before cancer so why not now. So I’ll make a batch of smoothies once I finish this paragraph. She also said “You might also consider switching to a higher protein plant-based milk, such as pea protein (a popular brand is Ripple).” Hence the video above.

Just reread this handout from the oncologist about R-CHOP side effects and what to expect. It’s 7 pages long but I think you can only see the first page. Here is the inactive link if you want to read the whole thing. It does talk about numbness as a side effect and fatigue, constipation, and sleeplessness all of which I have experienced. You’ll have to copy and paste this into your browser if you’re interested. http://www.bccancer.bc.ca/chemotherapy-protocols-site/Documents/Lymphoma-Myeloma/LYCHOPR_Handout.pdf

Chemo is tough. No doubt about it.

Here’s my selfie today. In my bedroom that’s my bed with the green flannel sheets. I wore a black gator to bed last night to keep my neck warm. And the electric heating pad and red and black weighted blanket to keep my feet warm. I still have no idea who sent that to me. It just showed up in an Amazon box one day. But it has been wonderful to have — 3 minutes in the microwave and it stays

warm all night long. The poster is of a Van Gough painting I love and have seen in person 3 times in my life. I just stood there mesmerized by it for a long long time each time I saw it- in San Francisco at the museum in Golden Gate Park with the kids from The Little School in Santa Cruz in 1971 (we took the kids on field trip there to the museum); in DC at the National Gallery of art many years later when I was married so around 1989–90; and in Amsterdam at the Van Gough museum in December 2017. I just stood there mesmerized by it for a long long time each time I saw it. This is a pic I took illegally in Amsterdam of it. I’ll talk about that wonderful trip to Paris and Germany I took with Sue another time.

Here’s a better picture of Ekajati. This is the image that Valerie used in her talk yesterday.

“Ekajati, protector of secret mantras and “as the mother of the mothers of all the Buddhas,” represents ultimate unity. As the protector of mantra, she supports the practitioner in deciphering symbolic dakini codes and properly determines appropriate times and circumstances for revealing tantric teachings. Because she completely realizes the texts and mantras under her care, she reminds the practitioner of their preciousness and secrecy.”

My attack thoughts are attacking my invulnerability.

3 PM — Made a batch of smoothies. I know it’s better to make them fresh everyday but I don’t get a round tuit. So I had one today and now I have 4 more days lined up and ready to go. This smoothie has everything in it. Co-co water and Co-co milk, co-co oil, fish oil, CBD oil, almond butter, cashews, avocado, pears, cokes, broccoli, carrots, spinach, yogurt, collagen powder and my mix of fiber powders and a little of that green powder the nutritionist recommends I drop. Unfortunately for this batch and one more it’s already premixed with the fiber powders. Also ate some plain old smoked salmon which I have loved since I lived in Alaska where it is so prevalent. Allen picks it up for me at Costco since I don’t have a Costco near me nor a membership. It is good shit. Yesterday I had in in eggs, the day before on a bagel and today just ate it with a fork. So I’ve gotten the extra protein they tell me I need. Gonna go read some and maybe nap.

8:50 PM — Never did sleep. Kind of a rough chemo day. My feet have been cold all day. Made an excellent garbage pail soup for dinner tonight. I t was too cold today to see anyone on the deck. It pretty much stayed in the mid forties. It’s 36 now and will go down to 27 before the night is over. Have Falstaff on in the background. It’s Verdi but I don’t really know this opera. One of his only comedies. Big baritone. I sometimes think I’m just full of myself by keeping writing this. But then I tell myself it’s OK. This is to help you deal eith your life right now and you choose to just be open about it. There’s still so much reflection on the past. So mcuh going on inside my head. Stories I want to explore. Things I want to get off my chest. Jack called tonight. It’s Tucker’s 13th birthday. He’s gonna try to come down for the weekend of the 6th and 7th. Guess that’s Super Bowl weekend. I need his help with getting this place in shape for the next 4 rounds of chemo. We’ll both have to get tested and wear masks and all that. Hope it’s warm enough to open the windows. He’ll stay at the Holiday Express down the street. I’m not tired but I’m not jumpy either. Think I’ll have a glass of cognac and just watch the opera for a little while or maybe just listen. It doesn’t sound all that great to me so far. It hasn’t grabbed me the way Verdi usually does.