- By Carmela Guaglianone | Examiner staff writer |
- Dec 19, 2022 Updated 22 hrs ago (SFExaminer.com)
Welcome back. It’s me, Carmela, hopefully your favorite universe whisperer — better than Pythia, Oracle of Delphi, better than Nostradamus. This week’s horoscopes are full of big announcements – some of which may seem untimely and outright unnecessary. They very well could be! I’m not actually qualified to be giving you any astrological advice, so take what the stars have said to me with a healthy dose of skepticism.
♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21
There are slime green lasers coming from your eyes this week, Sag. You’ve got the gift of goop. Whatever you set your sights on, you can expect to muck up. Use it for strategic sabotage. Steer clear of projects you want to keep clean of green.
♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19
Some time this week you will begin to hear a persistent squeaking noise as soon as you start to fall asleep. Like there is a mouse under your mattress. As the days go on, it will get louder. The sleep deprivation will make work challenging, and it will be even more so because you will be distracted, desperate for the exhilaration of hunting the squeak’s source. Look under your hat. You may not be the one pulling the strings.
♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18
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♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20
Approach your finances with two fists and a subtle smirk this week, Pisces. There are numbers on the walls. Do you see them? Bang them into your calculator with both fists. Emphatically! Sternly! With confidence and courage! It broke? Fantastic, walk away from your finances for god’s sake. Everything is fine.
♈ Aries: March 21–April 19
Tired of being alone? Buy a penguin costume. Find the nearest place with penguins. That may be an aquarium or a zoo, or it may be Antarctica. I don’t know — the nearest place, that’s the directive coming in on the planet phone. Show up in your penguin costume and stand in front of the penguin exhibit until one of them takes a liking to you. What you do from there is your call, stay, go, steal it from behind the glass, not my problem. But at least you know that little guy is hooked for life!
♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20
Wolves and sheep are trading outfits. So who are you taking shopping?
♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21
There is a special type of glasses that golfers can use to find their lost ball in the rough. They’re just dark blue tinted sunglasses. Some pairs look exactly like “throat chakra” sunglasses, meant to inspire balanced focus and communication when you wear them. Coincidence? Yes, probably.
♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22
The universe is going on about the emotional walls you put up, Cancer. Have you tried making a Bitmoji, babe? It really takes the edge off conversation.
♌ Leo: July 23–August 22
This week is a moonshot for you, Leo. Put on your darkest shades and stare directly at the sun, singing softly to yourself. When you get to the fifth verse, jump up and down until the sixth. Then look away. When you regain your vision, the path to success should be a lot clearer. But also, you may just feel kind of light-headed. If that’s the case, I can’t really help you.
♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22
Trust your gut.
But more importantly, take care of it! Work in more probiotics. Give that belly bacteria the spa day it deserves. Then throw them a dance party. The ol’ kefir-kombucha double shift should do the trick.
♎ Libra: September 23–October 23
It’s off to the races, Libra. But did you know that you accidentally signed up for bumper cars instead of go karts? You might have thought this week was about speed, but really it’s about resilience. But Jupiter checked the solar files and said they didn’t have that on the schedule for you? Must have been an administrative error. Read the fine print before you sign, champ.
♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21
You need a cozy couch, rainy-day style break this week, Scorpio. Make some tea and curl up with a book. If it’s not raining on your only day off (sometimes the universe gets their wires mixed up) be a go getter! Pull an armchair into the bathroom and turn on the shower. Pretend it’s the piddle-paddle of a soft storm. If your friends try to make plans, send them audio notes of the sound with the message, “Can’t believe this weather! Staying in today,” and then throw your phone in the toilet. You’ve got nowhere to be. Avoid attempts to create lightning.
cguaglianone@sfexaminer.com | @carmela_gua