Phantasia: Imagination is a powerful tool, a sixth sense, a weapon. We must be careful how we use it, in life as on stage or screen

Paul Giamatti

is a theatre, film and television actor living in New York City. Some of his notable performances feature in the HBO TV series John Adams (2008), the Showtime TV series Billions (2016-), and the films American Splendor (2003) and Sideways (2004).

Stephen T Asma

is professor of philosophy at Columbia College Chicago and a member of the Public Theologies of Technology and Presence programme at the Institute of Buddhist Studies in Berkeley, California. He is the author of many books, including The Evolution of Imagination (2017), Why We Need Religion (2018) and his latest, The Emotional Mind: Affective Roots of Culture and Cognition (2019), co-authored with Rami GabrielListen here

Brought to you by Curio, an Aeon partner

23 March 2021 (aeon.co)

Edited by Brigid HainsSYNDICATE THIS ESSAYTweet1,3238 Comments

Aeon for Friends

Find out more

When I performed in the play The Iceman Cometh (1946) by Eugene O’Neill, I played a character who stands up near the end and pours his heart out on stageMy character was almost like a messenger in a Greek tragedy but, instead of describing some nightmarish battle, he had to recount the horror of his own failures and the regrets of his life. It was an intense, emotionally draining experience, and I had to do it night after night. Each night I wondered if I could do it again, but somehow the energy of the room, the other actors and the story itself helped me to dial in some deep emotional frequency from my own history. It feels like you’re a shaman because you kind of lose yourself and channel something. And that activates deep emotions in the audience, too. So there’s a weird connection – I’m losing myself, and the audience is losing themselves. Then we come down together, having shared something powerful.
– Paul Giamatti

Like other artists, the actor is a kind of shaman. If the audience is lucky, we go with this emotional magician to other worlds and other versions of ourselves. Our enchantment or immersion into another world is not just theoretical, but sensory and emotional. How do actor and audience achieve this shared mysterious transportation? This shared ritual draws upon a kind of sixth sense, the imagination. The actor’s imagination has gone into emotional territories of intense feeling before us. Now they guide us like a psychopomp into those emotional territories by recreating them in front of us.

Aristotle called this imaginative power phantasia. We might mistakenly think that phantasia is just for artists and entertainers, a rare and special talent, but it’s actually a cognitive faculty that functions in all human beings. The actor might guide us, but it’s our own imagination that enables us to immerse fully into the story. If we activate our power of phantasia, we voluntarily summon up the real emotions we see on stage: fear, anxiety, rage, love and more. In waking life, we see this voluntary phantasia at work but, for many of us, the richest experience of phantasia comes in sleep, when the involuntary imagination awakes in the form of dreams.

In The Descent of Man (1871), Charles Darwin writes:

The Imagination is one of the highest prerogatives of man. By this faculty he unites, independently of the will, former images and ideas, and thus creates brilliant and novel results … Dreaming gives us the best notion of this power; as Jean Paul [Richter] … says, ‘The dream is an involuntary art of poetry.’

The dreaming brain isn’t aware that the monster chasing us is unreal. During REM sleep, your body is turned off by the temporary paralysis of sleep atonia, but your limbic brain is running hot. In waking life, the limbic system is responsible for many of the basic mammalian survival aspects of our existence: emotions, attention and focus, and is deeply involved in the fight-or-flight response to danger. The dreaming brain isn’t just faking a battle but actually fighting one in our neuroendocrine axis. That’s why we sometimes wake up sweating with our heart racing. The involuntary imagination of dreaming creates an episode of emotional reality – not sham emotions. The same is true in the theatre, the movie, the novel. We’re really stirred by the St Crispin’s Day speech in William Shakespeare’s Henry V, really terrified by Edgar Allan Poe’s short story The Pit and the Pendulum (1842), and really haunted by Andrei Tarkovsky’s film Stalker (1979).

The intensity of these emotions is not just felt by the audience. For an actor, embodying a scene with another actor – who reveals, say, a deep vulnerability from losing a child – can mean that a scripted fiction enacted by two strangers on a stage actually bonds the actors themselves in real intimacy long after the play or film is over. Like in a dream, the limbic mind experiences art as real. An actor or writer embodies the deepest traumas and joys of life so the audience can experience them vicariously. Acting (and other collective artistic work) can be a kind of mainlining of intimacy, and the audience partakes of this intimacy too.

There’s a lot of subtle embodied communication going on. There’s an intense awareness between the actors themselves, and between the audience and actors – especially in theatre. The most obvious feedback happens in comedies of course, because you can hear the laughs or the lack of them. But much more subtle stuff is happening too. Once, when I was playing Hamlet, there was an early scene with the Player King. His prop beard was slowly falling off his face – unbeknown to him­ – just as I was saying a line about beards. And there was this amazing energy in the whole place from the collective recognition that we were all playing in a play, but also a play that knows it’s a play. And sometimes when something goes wrong on stage – like a mistake, or a prop thing – it actually brings in a fresh energy by breaking the normal patterns, and everyone becomes more present in the room.

At other times, the emotional awareness is more intimate. Once I was playing the husband opposite the actor Kathryn Hahn in a scene where another character is inadvertently saying something insulting to her, and she doesn’t know what to say in response, and I’m trying to sort of cover it over, and then we just share this quiet moment together as we listen to the other character continue talking. They shot the scene many times, but then after one particular take we both looked at each other and said: ‘Wow, I really felt that one.’ And I think the authenticity of these kinds of connections can shine through to observers. For example, I think that was the take the director eventually used as well.

To prepare a role, the actor must function as an empathy sponge: they work to ingest and ingurgitate all the social nuances of power, vulnerability, hope and despair. This is a sensory osmosis – the actor must cultivate this like a sixth-sense organ. It happens ‘in the dark’ of the mind so to speak, beneath the radar of conscious thinking.

Nor does this rely on direct observations of human behaviour alone. According to the extended mind theory, humans offload much of who they are into the environment. The philosophers David Chalmers and Andy Clark argue that our minds don’t reside exclusively in our brains or bodies, but extend out into the physical environment (in diaries, maps, calculators and now smartphones, etc). Consequently, you can learn a great deal about someone by spending time in their home – not deducing facts like Sherlock Holmes, but absorbing subtle understandings of character, taste, temperament and life history. When an actor prepares to play a historical figure, he might find deep insights in the extended mind – the written record, the physical environs, the clothing and so on. A small detail can turn the key and open up a real ‘visitation’ from the past.

When I played President John Adams in the 2008 miniseries for HBO, I studied many historical records, but the key that helped me find his character was an amazing compilation of his health complaints. Someone had culled all his letters for any references to his health, and produced this giant record of elaborate and hypochondriacal health complaints. The man was a wreck with digestive problems, toothaches, headaches, bowel troubles and more. After manic periods of high energy, he would ‘take to his bed’ for a couple of weeks. In reading all this, I began to see how to play the everyday John Adams.

This capacity to get inside the emotional landscape of another person draws on a deep, evolutionary cognitive ability, a way of absorbing or reading what the psychologist James J Gibson called ‘affordances’. Gibson’s affordances can be understood as all the things that surround an organism in their environment, with potential to be understood, grasped and exploited. An affordance is relational: it depends on the ecological relationship between the animal and its lifeworld, rather than having an objective value. A freshly baked baguette is to a baker a proud symbol of her art; to the hungry child, it’s a meal; to the assistant at the boulangerie, an object to be arranged in the window. An affordance has meaning depending where you stand, and much of our grasp of affordances runs beneath conscious analysis. For social mammals, including humans, many of the affordances in our environment are social in nature, and thus we spend a huge amount of perceptual energy in processing signals of behaviour, demeanour and emotion from our fellows, much of which never surfaces to our conscious mind.

For Plato, the imagination produces only illusion. For Aristotle, it’s a necessary ingredient to knowledge

A chimpanzee, for example, sees the posture of the new guy as dominant – the dominance and subordinance exist in the real-time relationship between the two animals’ bodies and behaviours. The chimp doesn’t need to reason about the relationship, because the perception itself contains a great deal of information and prediction about status, disposition, character and possible behaviours. Stage actors ‘read the room’ in a similar way to our primate cousins reading their social world of dominance. A lifetime of subconsciously reading rooms (reading people) gives artists a rich palette of insights, feelings and behaviours. Unlike other animals, humans use phantasia to expand these affordances and create alternative behaviours – alternative realities – in the real-time present, as well as in the future. We take social affordances from our existing lifeworlds and spin new worlds out of them. That is the power of phantasia, but also, as we will see, its danger.

Some people think that the imagination is just a frivolous fantasy-making ability. For Plato, the imagination produces only illusion, which distracts from reality, itself apprehended by reason. The artist is concerned with producing images, which are merely shadows, reflecting, like a mirror, the surface of things, while Truth lies beyond the sensory world. In the Republic, Plato places imagery and art low on the ladder of knowledge and metaphysics, although ironically he tells us this in an imaginary allegory of the cave story.

By contrast, Aristotle saw imagination as a necessary ingredient to knowledge. Memory is a repository of images and events, but imagination (phantasia) calls up, unites and combines those memories into tools for judgment and decision-making. Imagination constructs alternative scenarios from the raw data of empirical senses, and then our rational faculties can evaluate them and use them to make moral choices, or predict social behaviours, or even build better scientific theories. For Aristotle, phantasia (which comes from the Greek word for ‘light’), is as important to knowledge as light is to seeing. Although Aristotle was careful to distinguish phantasia from the ordinary five senses, because it can occur without any stimulus from outside, we could understand phantasia as a kind of sixth sense, shared by humans and many animals, a way to know the world, to which humans return in dreams. Here, Aristotle is thinking of imagination as something like the involuntary process; the associational mashups of dreams, the subconscious tracking of affordances, the conditioned memories we use to evaluate and make sense of our experience. When we bring this process under executive control – that is, when we harness it to our waking, speculative and creative mind – we transform the involuntary imagination to voluntary, and this ‘phantasia 2.0’ is unique to humans. Perhaps a chimpanzee might dream of a hippo it once saw, but only a Walt Disney can bring the hippo to mind whenever he wants, dress it in a tutu in his mind’s eye, draw it, animate it dancing, and release it as a film called Fantasia (1940).

Contemporary science of the mind sides with Aristotle, not Plato. Phantasia is adaptive and helps us know others and ourselves better. Art is not just great for therapeutic emotional management and catharsis, but also produces knowledge, generating new ways of understanding and manipulating the world. Contemporary neurocognitive theory argues that the mind is a ‘prediction processor’. It builds mental models of the world, and tests predictions, always updating the model to reduce future errors. These cognitive processes are not possible without the imaginative faculty. The imagination helps us create possible futures (new architecture, medical breakthroughs, new political possibilities) but also helps us model other minds.

When art is good – when the acting and the script are on point, or a character in a novel is nuanced – the audience actually learns more about human behaviour than real-life observation provides. This is because the interior of the character is articulated in art, whereas it remains submerged in real social interaction.

We are, then, running a constant ‘simulator’ in our own minds, whether we’re consciously aware of it or not. Because of this involuntary sixth sense, we seem to know things without having figured them out. The dark processing (reading affordances, absorbing impressions from the extended minds around us, involuntarily combining narratives in headspace, and just simulating things) serves up ‘reality’ to us without revealing its hand in the construction. The mind is always incubating an alternative or supplemental reality. Our experience is always imagination-laden. Yet the vivid, and often unconscious, nature of this cognitive process isn’t always enriching. If imagination is an involuntary creative act of cognition before downstream rationality uses it, it can also be dangerous.

Without properly understanding imagination’s role in cognition, our views can present themselves to us as straightforward, accurate assessments of the world. People who disagree with us seem just ‘irrational’ (bad at weighing evidence and logic) or crazy. But once we take account of the imaginative layer of mind (the filtering and modelling we do between the raw data and the reasoned conclusions or beliefs), we see that the world itself really is different for the atheist as opposed to the Christian; the Republican as opposed to the Democrat; the rationalist versus the QAnon devotee.

The legal scholars Cass R Sunstein and Adrian Vermeule argue that conspiracy theories arise when people suffer from a ‘crippled’ knowledge base because they have ‘limited’ informational sources. If you watch only one news network, or get your ‘facts’ from a crank website or radio show with no peer review, then you’re going to be highly susceptible to conspiracy and this will likely be exacerbated if you received limited school instruction in logic and critical thinking in your formal education. Thus, the answer to conspiracy theories is more education and more rational weighing of information sources.

Conspiracy theories aren’t, however, just the result of alternative ‘information sources’ or limited information – we’re all awash in information. Rather, a potent conspiracy is a narrative arc in which the believer is a heroic character. Phantasia is a potent ingredient here. The persuasiveness of imagination consists in its embodied quality – the conspiratorial mind feels and sees itself as a protagonist in a drama. A dramatic story such as the QAnon theory is reinforced by a charismatic leader (politician/actor/clergy/celebrity), creating a phantasia layer that feels real, just as the dream feels real to the limbic system and the movie feels real to the audience member.

No wonder then that conspiracy theorists like to dress up. The conspiracy-minded Trump supporters who smashed into the Capitol Building in Washington, DC in January 2021 included half-naked ‘Ur-Americans’ with painted faces and buffalo headdresses, carrying signs that said ‘Q Sent Me’. A charismatic leader is like the shaman/actor on stage. They have ‘gone before’ into the embodied belief, they evoke the emotions, they involve the watcher/audience so intensely that everybody gets deeply invested. The insurrectionists in their dress-up costumes at the Capitol are less like actors and more like fully immersed audience members­. The insurrection was a kind of malevolent cosplay convention in which superfans who had intensely internalised the narratives themselves took over the stage, only the ‘convention’ in this case was at the Capitol. Obviously, this makes them no less dangerous, because their guns are not props, and mob violence is wildly contagious.

Can we turn that awesome power of imagination toward humanising ourselves and others?

Our phantasia is not just ‘in our heads’ but actually extended and distributed into our environment. Just as the actor changes into costume and transforms into a new persona, so too the jingoist drapes himself in flags and paraphernalia becoming a new persona – one that feels righteous and empowered, in this case, to do violence. There is ‘magic’ in the accoutrement. Anthropologists and social psychologists have long recognised the unique dynamics in ritual adornment and behaviour. Ritualised collective imaginings help to produce what the French sociologist Émile Durkheim in 1912 called ‘collective effervescence’ – a feeling state or force that excites individuals and unifies them into a group. It’s a similar phenomenon in political crowds, religious ceremonies, music concerts and theatre experiences.

In our current climate of partisan paranoia, we’ve all ramped up imaginative demonisation of the other. This leaves us vulnerable to dark imaginings. The Chinese American philosophical geographer Yi-Fu Tuan states it plainly in his book Landscapes of Fear (2013): ‘If we had less imagination, we would feel more secure.’ Yes, there are real threats and enemies out there, but not as many as our active imagination produces. Alas, we can’t stop fantasticating if it’s the root of human cognition, and we wouldn’t want to give it up if we could. But can we turn that awesome power of imagination toward humanising ourselves and others?

Imagination recruits our natural empathy system and can amplify it. We see fear or joy in another person’s face, and we catch it like an emotional contagion. The actor has made a career of this natural human ability to recreate another’s feelings and perspectives within one’s self. Properly cultivated, this emotional mimicry can become ethical care, and art and artists play a crucial role in this cultivation.

I have played some sinister characters doing some ethically dubious things in dark storylines. I’m not someone who thinks art must be ‘moral’ per se. A lot of art with really overt moral pretensions is usually pretty bad art. Having said that, we could be making better use of the imagination, making genuinely smart and nuanced characters. A lot of contemporary entertainment seems to me to have lazy renderings of characters. There’s a kind of shorthand going on: a character beats up someone in one scene, then kisses his mom in the next to show complexity and ambiguity, but it all feels too simple and easy sometimes.

There’s a lot of contempt and cynicism in contemporary entertainment. The characters are contemptuous and cynical, and the impulses creating the characters are too. And there’s contempt for the audience: just give them crud. That’s always been a problem; I sound like an old-man moral scold. I’m all for the occasional mindless, nihilistic narrative, but the imagination is a hugely powerful tool and therefore weapon: if you’re gonna go morally dark or ambiguous, you’re gonna lacerate people, you better know why you are. You better be damn good at what you do, like Herman Melville good. It’s oddly easy to crank out something risky and edgy, we all think we know what that is, but most of it doesn’t really risk anything important, make real critiques of injustice or power. For sure: there’s really good stuff out there. But a lot of it’s weak, masquerading, performing its importance.

It’s really difficult to be ‘true’ as in ‘authentic’. Believe me, I know, I’m shooting for it myself and frequently missing the mark. It’s difficult to show how real friendships form or end, how real grief is processed, real horror and pain are inflicted and borne, so on.

You gotta be careful with the imagination. It matters how it’s wielded. There’s a lot of opportunity for critique, but hope too.

Acting is like a ‘laboratory of identity’ because the actor gets to try on many different selves. Some of them are sinister and some saintly, with all points in between. The movie industry and the arts generally are also large-scale laboratories of identity for audiences. Such power carries some responsibility. But all of us have this power of phantasia – in fact we can’t escape it – so it’s on all of us to be better actors and even directors of our stories, individual and shared.

To read more about the imagination, visit the Poiesis section on Psyche, a digital magazine from Aeon that illuminates the human condition through psychology, philosophical understanding and the arts.

The Great Bell Chant (The End of Suffering)

R Smittenaar

Read by Thich Nath Hanh, chanted by brother Phap Niem.

The creators of this audio track were Gary Malkin, the composer/arranger, producer, and collaborator Michael Stillwater. The work came from a CD/book called Graceful Passages: A Companion for Living and Dying, and it could be purchased by going to wisdomoftheworld.com.

Visuals taken from:
HOME, Earth and Baraka

(Forwarded by Zoë Robinson, H.W., M.)

Easter

Today is your resurrection from human identity to your true identity as pure awareness. Today you rise above the person you experience yourself to be, to the awareness that is aware of that person. Today the Christ rises from obscurity to shine forth from you luminous forever.

Resurrection (U.S. TV series) | Disney Wiki | Fandom

Oh, Christ, Thou Son of God, My own eternal Self. Live Thou Thy life in me, Do Thou Thy will in me, Be Thou made flesh in me. I have no will but Thine, I have no self but Thee.

Happy Easter, by Hans BørliGlåmdalen, 24.5.1969
I’m sitting here in a church of forest scent and dogg and day. Linnéa calling the fair with silent bell beats.
And the priest has no face and the sermon has no words. The sacred sacrament is the ancestor of springly earth.
A leaf singer chirping at the nesta beetle climbing a straw. And deep in the signed silence, I hear the life heart beat.
There is a trust in the world alight on big and small.


Kymatica

“The term Kymatica or cymatics in Portuguese was coined by Swiss scientist Hans Jenny, and derives from the Greek kyma ( κύμα ), meaning ” wave ” and ta kymatika ( κυματικά τα ), meaning ”matters pertaining to waves.“

“Kymatica is the sequel to Ben Stewart’s ‘Esoteric Agenda,’ one of the most important films ever made.”

“This movie (Kymatica) focuses on human and universal consciousness and points out the psychic disease that mankind has induced that is creating an insane illusion which is the main cause of pain and suffering. The Kymatica documentary explains shamanism, duality, and the reality behind DNA and modern false beliefs. Overall, Kymatica is another excellent movie that attempts to point out the fundamental misconception that humankind is facing today that has resulted in an imbalance between planet, nature, and species. 

“The questions that have remained timeless and profound throughout history have been all but left for dead. There have been messages left in scripture, archeological remains, shamanic traditions, philosophy, poetry, art, and music. As we move closer to an apex of technological and intellectual information, we find ourselves farther and farther away from feeling any comfort or wholeness within our hearts and souls.

“Yet even though the concept of spirituality should have been long gone by now, we are seeing an awakening among people and a growing desire for truth. For the first time in history, we are finding that there are no sole saviors or lone prophets to guide us, but a whole race waking from a sleep that has brought this world to the brink of destruction. In a world where Apocalyptic catastrophes seem inevitable, we must look at the solutions in a whole new manner.

“As the latest quantum mechanics and metaphysics are just being discovered, we notice that we are not moving forward, but returning to a consciousness that the ancient shamans, mystics, and sages have left for us.

“It is a new age. An age for responsibility and stewardship. And as we begin to look for answers in the world within, the world without will reflect. In this new age, we will discover that we are all one mind, one organism, and one spirit. We are the savior we have been waiting for.”

“My Mother the Performer”: The Life and Legacy of Dorothy Toy

Dorothy Toy loved to dance. With Paul Wing, they formed the most famous Asian American dance team in U.S. history. They performed on Broadway, Hollywood films and around the world. Dorothy passed in 2019 at 102 years old. She said “Dancing makes you happy, I’m happy I danced all my life”.

By Dorlie Fong (storycorp.org)

In the late 1930s, Dorothy Toy and her dance partner Paul Wing made their Broadway debut after years touring on the Vaudeville circuit. In one of their earliest Broadway appearances, the duo, billed as Toy & Wing, performed in a musical review. That night, as Toy & Wing took their bows, the applause was thunderous. Dorothy later told her daughter that the audience got on their feet and applauded so vigorously the bandleader was forced to bring them out repeatedly – stalling the next act. Dorothy would say, she lost track of how many bows they took that night, but that they became a fixture on Broadway from then on.

Dorothy, Paul and a young Dorlie Fong dancing the cha cha during an encore performance. Courtesy of Dorlie Fong.
Dorothy Toy and dance partner Paul Wing (Toy & Wing) posing at the Forbidden City Nightclub in 1950’s San Francisco. Courtesy of Dorlie Fong.

Decades later, after founding her own dance company and touring the world, Dorothy Toy planned to visit StoryCorps with her daughter, to look back on a lifetime of performance. But she passed before that was possible. Dorothy was 102 years old when she died. She had suffered multiple broken hips and lived with dementia, but she considered herself a dancer well into her final years.

In March of 2021, her daughter Dorlie Fong came to StoryCorps to honor her mother. In that session she committed to tape many of Dorothy’s stories from a bygone era of Vaudeville, Hollywood, and Broadway. But beyond that, Dorlie described what it was like growing up backstage and finding connection with her mother the star.

Top Photo: (L) Dorothy Toy and her young daughter Dorlie Fong backstage in the 1950’s. (R) Dorlie with her mother on her 101st birthday. Courtesy of Dorlie Fong.
Bottom Photo: Dorothy Toy performing in her home dance studio in front of a CBS news crew. Courtesy of Dorlie Fong.

Originally aired April 2, on NPR’s Morning Edition.

(Submitted by Suzanne Deakins, H.W., M.)

My Choice Isn’t Marriage or Loneliness

MODERN LOVE

I thought I had a classic fear of commitment, but it’s more complicated than that.

Credit…Brian Rea

By Haili Blassingame

April 2, 2021 (NYTimes.com)

I broke up with my boyfriend of five years during quarantine, but not because we had fallen out of love.

I sent him an email with the subject line, “My Terms,” and proceeded to outline why I wanted to be single. In an effort to impose order on my decision, I included subheadings like “Why I Need This,” “What This Change Means For You” and “What We’ll Say To the Outside World,” followed by a trail of bullet points.

Under the subheading, “What This Doesn’t Mean,” I wrote: “That I don’t love you anymore.”

We were three months into the pandemic, and most of us couldn’t fathom the devastation to come. By then, though, we could begin to see our loneliness stretching into the future with no end point. Singles stared absently into the eyes of strangers on Zoom, longing to be touched.

And here I was, alone and equally desperate for connection, breaking up with my boyfriend of five years, even though nothing between us had broken.

For months afterward, I struggled to understand why. It was only when I looked back on flash points throughout the relationship that I realized my singleness was inevitable; I was simply building the vocabulary to explain it to myself.

I had met Malcolm my freshman year of college at a luncheon for honor students. He was wearing a blue plaid button-down and his voice was a startling baritone. Everyone compared him to Barack Obama, and the comparison was fitting — he was similarly warm, what some might call magnetic. He seemed like a reasonable person to trust with your life or your love.

[Sign up for Love Letter, our weekly email about Modern Love, weddings and relationships.]

My friend and I had been talking idly about starting a dating service on campus, but first we needed to create a database. I walked up to him and asked if he wanted to be our first client.

He laughed. “OK, sure. How does it work?”

I pulled out my phone. “First, I have to take your picture so girls can know what you look like.”

I positioned him before a wall and gave him unhelpful guidance on how to look appealing. The picture came out awkward and blurry. Still, I sent it to my mother, giddy about the cute guy with the deep voice who looked like Obama.

After the luncheon, he and I circled each other for two years until one night I called to see if he wanted to hang out. What followed was a relationship plucked from romantic folklore. He sent me flowers with handwritten letters and arranged for my favorite ice cream to be delivered to my hotel room while I was at a conference in New York.

After four months, he followed me to France, where I was studying abroad my junior year. That’s where our relationship became official. On a call several weeks before he arrived, I said, “I guess we should get together or something.”

He said, “We’re kind of already together, aren’t we?”

“I know. But I should probably be your girlfriend, right?”

He laughed. “OK.”

Our exchange felt like a conversation between two third graders in the playground. I understood that I was supposed to care about this milestone — he was my first boyfriend. Yet when I grasped for the significance of it, I came up empty.

When he left France several weeks before I did, I was surprised to feel relieved. I longed — not to be alone, not to be without love, but for freedom and autonomy. Since we had gotten together, I had felt our identities weaving into a beautiful quilt, and I didn’t see how to disentangle myself without alienating the man I loved.

I was somebody without him. I knew this, but others didn’t seem to. Even when I was by myself, people always asked me about him, their remarks dropping me into a future — of marriage, children and muted desires — that I had not signed up for. I wanted my identity back. I wanted to unravel.

As soon as I got back, I suggested an open relationship, something I had wanted from the beginning. I saw it as a step toward establishing myself as a romantic and sexual entity outside of my relationship.

The following year, after leaving college in Atlanta, we moved 2,000 miles apart — Malcolm home to California, me home to D.C. — with no plans of either of us moving to be with the other anytime soon. We saw each other several times a year.

By the time the pandemic hit, we had been long-distance for three years, and I saw no problem with it. When the travel restrictions began, co-workers said, “It must be hard not being able to fly to see your boyfriend.” To which I replied, “I actually like the distance.”

Many times, I thought I had a classic fear of commitment, but I knew it was more complicated. I was resisting something greater than our individual relationship, and my resistance was political.

A day before I sent Malcolm the email saying I wanted to break up, I came across a term online: solo polyamory. It described a person who is romantically involved with many people but is not seeking a committed relationship with anyone. What makes this different from casual dating is that they’re not looking for a partner, and the relationship isn’t expected to escalate to long-term commitments, like marriage or children. More important, the relationship isn’t seen as wasted time or lacking significance because it doesn’t lead to those things.

I wasn’t comfortable identifying as polyamorous then. My desire for something nontraditional was a source of shame and questioning. But for once, in the vast literature on love, I felt seen. I liked how solo polyamory cherished and prioritized autonomy and the preservation of self, and I found its rejection of traditional models of romantic love freeing.

When Malcolm and I first told friends and family about our open relationship, we were met with verbal lashings and gross generalizations, including that this was “not something Black people did.” Much later, I realized they viewed our arrangement as a personal attack on an institution they wanted to believe in. In some ways, this attack was the rebellion I had been seeking.

My entire girlhood had been consumed by fantasies that were force-fed to me. Love and relationships were presented as binary, and in this binary, the woman must get married or be lonely (or, in classic novels, die). The path to freedom and happiness was narrower still for Black women. Even in our extremely loving relationship, I had felt confined.

I knew my mother would be devastated by the breakup. A divorcée of 20-plus years, she often warned against “ending up like me,” a woman untethered to a man.

I waited nearly six months to tell her. When I did, she said, “What if he finds someone else?”

“He could’ve found someone else when we were together,” I said, puzzled.

But relationships do give the illusion that we exist in a bubble with another person, insulated from the rest of the world — that’s part of what makes them feel so intimate. But if this year has taught us anything, it’s that none of us are insulated from each other, even in isolation, and that, at any moment, our bubble could burst. I no longer see this rupture as a bad thing.

After I sent Malcolm my breakup email, he and I spoke on the phone.

“I have to be honest,” he said, “I was a little sad when I read it.”

“Why?” I asked.

“It just seemed more final in an email.”

“You know, we can change the terms whenever we want,” I said.

“I know.”

“You’re still my best friend,” I said.

He made a joke about being friend-zoned, then said, “Yeah, you’re my best friend too.”

I recently listened to a conversation about polyamory on Clubhouse — a new voice-based social media platform. All the faces in the chat were Black.

“You have to own your choice,” one guy said. “You have to remember you chose this for a reason.”

I thought of my choice to be single and not looking but still very much loving.

What I want are relationships that operate with a spirit of possibility rather than constraint. Shedding the identity of “girlfriend” has allowed me to experience the expansiveness of love. It has challenged me to stretch the limits of my relationships to see what they can be when relieved of social pressure.

As humans, we’re always going to reach for certainty using the few tools we have, and sometimes that tool will be a label like “girlfriend.” But in a year of crippling loss, canceled trips, delayed milestones and a charged election, I have found strange consolation in knowing that nothing in our lives has ever been certain. Despite that, or perhaps because of it, I am just here to enjoy this, whatever this is, for however long it lasts.

Haili Blassingame is a producer of the 1A show at WAMU in Washington, D.C.

Modern Love can be reached at modernlove@nytimes.com.

To find previous Modern Love essays, Tiny Love Stories and podcast episodes, visit our archive.

Want more from Modern Love? Watch the TV series; sign up for the newsletter; or listen to the podcast on iTunesSpotify or Google Play. We also have swag at the NYT Store and two books, “Modern Love: True Stories of Love, Loss, and Redemption” and “Tiny Love Stories: True Tales of Love in 100 Words or Less.”

(Submitted by Suzanne Deakins, H.W., M.)

Self-compassion is not self-indulgence: here’s how to try it

Self-compassion is not self-indulgence: here’s how to try it | Psyche

Photo by Carolyn Drake/Magnum

Christina Chwylis a clinical psychology PhD student at Drexel University in Philadelphia, and an artist.

Edited by Christian Jarrett

24 MARCH 2021 (psyche.co)

I’ll never forget the time I overheard one of my high-school classmates repeatedly calling herself stupid in front of the bathroom mirror. When I recognised her voice, chills ran down my spine. I’d always thought of her as one of the kindest people in the whole school. I was shocked to hear how cruel she was to herself when she thought she was on her own.

From a young age, we learn how to be a good friend to others. In kindergarten or nursery school, we’re taught how to share, cooperate and play. Any child who calls other kids dumb, losers or ‘fart face’ is swiftly scolded or given a time out. All in all, we grow up learning to follow the golden rule: ‘Treat others how you want to be treated.’

Yet many of us receive no guidance on how to be a friend to ourselves. In fact, we might even get counterproductive messaging about what it means to treat ourselves with kindness. We might come to believe that being kind towards ourselves is self-indulgent, lazy or weak.

As a clinical psychologist in training, I’ve discovered such self-beratement is commonplace. For example, people often judge their bodies, work performance or parenting abilities by standards to which they’d never hold others. Many people call themselves names they’d never dare utter to friends or family members, or even to people they dislike.

It’s little surprise that the psychological concept of ‘self-compassion’ is cloaked in controversy. At its core, self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and consideration with which you’d treat a loved one. Just as compassion begins by recognising another’s pain, self-compassion begins by recognising when you, yourself, are suffering. A self-compassionate response, according to a leading self-compassion researcher, Kirstin Neff at the University of Texas, entails three critical ingredients:

  1. self-kindness: offering yourself warmth and understanding rather than self-judgment;
  2. common humanity: remembering that all human beings make mistakes and experience pain, rather than feeling isolated in your suffering; and
  3. mindfulness: observing your thoughts and emotions in a balanced way, without becoming consumed by them.

I’ve found that the idea of self-compassion elicits reactions ranging from an enthusiastic ‘Sign me up!’ to suspicion or even fear. Upon the mere mention of self-compassion, a host of thoughts can bubble up: ‘Self-compassion is just not for me.’ ‘Aren’t people too soft on themselves these days?’ ‘I need self-criticism to motivate me to achieve my goals.’ Or, ‘If I’m self-compassionate, won’t I just sit on the couch and eat Ben and Jerry’s all day?’

Without the heavy baggage of self-criticism and shame, it’s easier for self-compassionate people to grow, improve and move forward

These beliefs have consequences, including affecting how people respond to life’s challenges. For instance, in one study, my colleagues Patricia Chen, Jamil Zaki and I looked into the coping strategies used by people who were disappointed and upset following the outcome of the 2016 US presidential election. Those who viewed self-compassion positively were more likely than others to draw upon self-compassion in a beneficial way to help them get through the difficult times – for instance, they reported using more active strategies to manage their emotions, such as seeking support from others, and relied less upon unhelpful strategies, such as distraction or self-blame. This not only helped them feel better, it worked better too – our participants who practised more self-compassion reported having more intentions to improve themselves and the situation, such as by committing to become more politically active.

Our work echoes what research finds time and time again – self-compassion is a healthy response to suffering. It is critical not only to our wellbeing but also helps us rise to challenges. For example, other researchers have found that self-compassion helps people take personal responsibility for transgressions and persist following obstacles, such as a disappointing test grade. Contrary to assumptions that self-compassion is selfish, self-compassion even helps us to be kinder towards others. All of this might sound counterintuitive: how can something as unassuming as self-compassion help us become better, more resilient versions of ourselves?

An interesting thing happens when we’re self-compassionate – it becomes safe for us to admit our missteps to ourselves. Think about it this way: would you rather share an embarrassing mistake with someone with a track record of responding kindly – or with someone who might fly off the handle with harsh criticism?

In this way, when mistakes or perceived failures arise, self-compassionate people are able to recognise them for what they are: normal human happenings. Then, without the heavy baggage of self-criticism and shame, it’s easier for self-compassionate people to grow, improve and move forward bravely.

In her popular TEDx talk from 2013, Neff offered a helpful analogy for understanding why self-compassion works so well. Imagine that a child returned home from school upset, having received a failing grade in mathematics. A parent could respond with harsh criticism, expressing disappointment, anger or even shame. They could yell and question the intellect of the child. For a short while, the child might study harder. But over time, the child could become depressed and quit mathematics altogether, as the consequences of failing again are too high. Alternatively, a parent could respond to the child with compassion, recognising and validating the child’s feelings of disappointment (eg, ‘I can tell how upset you are. That sounds really tough’), reminding them that everyone struggles occasionally, and helping them maintain a balanced perspective (eg, ‘There are still more quizzes ahead of you. Let’s figure out together how we can help you feel prepared and ready for the next one’).

Notice that the compassionate response didn’t involve turning a blind eye to the test grade. Nor did it entail stroking the child’s ego. Instead, it involved creating a safe and nurturing environment, where mistakes are OK for the child to confront.

Put another way, your words of self-talk are the fuel: you can choose to fill your tank with either criticism or compassion. Both will get you moving, but the self-compassionate variety lasts longer and causes less harm to the engine in the end. When you’re kind towards yourself, you’ll find it easier to confront life’s many challenges, whether that be studying after receiving a failing test grade, apologising to someone after losing your cool, or returning to the gym even when you feel weak. Importantly, self-compassion enables us to confront these hurdles head-on, without becoming consumed by feelings of inadequacy.

Self-compassion is not an elusive trait that only some people can possess. There are concrete ways for us all to cultivate compassion, both for others and for ourselves. Researchers have created programmes (eg, the Mindful Self-Compassion programme), workbooks and resources to help people build greater self-compassion. We can train our self-compassion muscle in various ways, for example, through writing exercises (eg, writing a letter to oneself from the perspective of an unconditionally caring friend), imagery or meditations. These exercises train us to respond to our own pain or perceived inadequacies just like we’d respond to those of a friend – with encouragement and caring.

Self-compassion is about relating to yourself in a more constructive, nurturing way. It’s not about feeling good all the time

And yet, if you’re like most people, getting to the self-compassion gym is the hardest part. If you have doubts that the gym will bring any benefits, you’re unlikely to visit! Encouragingly, in our work, we found that just changing participants’ beliefs about the usefulness of self-compassion helped them cope better with challenges. When we told people that the research shows that self-compassion actually improves motivation rather than harming it, they were subsequently more likely to practise self-compassion during difficulties. This, in turn, helped them to cope better and seek self-improvement.

Our work thus underscores the importance of taking the time to understand and gently correct your assumptions about self-compassion. Doing so could help you respond more effectively to the inevitable bumps in the road ahead.

First, notice what beliefs you have about self-compassion. Ask yourself: what have other people told you, either through words or actions, about self-compassion? Did parental figures in your life practise compassion? If so, did they include themselves within their sphere of compassion? What do you believe would happen if you were self-compassionate? What do you think would happen if you let go of harsh self-criticism?

Next, notice how you talk to yourself. If you’re like most people, your mind is filled with a steady stream of chatter and yet, just like when you mindlessly consume popcorn during a movie without noticing its texture or flavour, you might not pause to reflect on your self-talk. Does it tend to be negative? Do you hold yourself to impossible standards? You’ll be spending the rest of your life with this voice, so take the time to truly get to know it and consider making conscious adjustments if necessary.

Finally, check your assumptions about self-compassion. Remember that, time and time again, researchers find that self-compassion not only helps us feel better but has positive practical consequences too. Self-compassion is a powerful motivational tool that can help you persist, even in the face of challenges.

At first, self-compassion might feel foreign, scary or difficult. Be patient with yourself. Remember that self-compassion is about relating to yourself in a more constructive and nurturing way, and that it might take time to develop. It’s not about feeling good all the time. I’ve seen how, just like beginning a new physical workout regimen, the journey to relate to yourself with compassion can be difficult, even painful at the start.

For many people, self-compassion is a radically different approach than they’re used to – it means having compassion for yourself that’s unconditional, regardless of your circumstances or achievements. This stands at odds with a culture that often rewards us for accomplishments, capital and accolades. Where the ego whispers a siren’s call (achieve more, do better, and you will be worthy), self-compassion is the reliable friend that we all deserve (I believe in you, I’m here for you, no matter what).

Thinking back to my high-school classmate berating herself in front of the bathroom mirror, I wish she could have known that she didn’t have to be her own bully. If she’d believed in the power of self-compassion, I might have instead overheard a self-compassionate pep talk: ‘Receiving that bad test score really hurt, but it doesn’t say anything bad about me as a person. I know that other people in class are struggling, too, and that I’m not alone in this. I’ll ask for help on how to study more effectively, and get the support I need and deserve.’ In my clinical work and research, I’ve seen that self-compassion is a resiliency supercharger. If my classmate could have befriended herself, I bet she’d have found school would improve, and her life down the road would have grown much richer.

Know that this applies to you, too. While the journey towards cultivating greater self-compassion might seem daunting, it’s worthwhile. With you by your own side, you will be unstoppable.

Servicing Your Boy

By Evan Waite April 2, 2021 (newyorker.com)

A disappointed mother stands behind her teenage son.
Photograph from Getty

Is your boy beginning to show signs of toxic masculinity? Unnecessary aggression? Starting to look up to Dan Bilzerian? Then come on down to Lou’s Boy-Repair Shop! We’ll get your boy up and accessing the full range of human emotion in no time!

For more than thirty years, we’ve been the country’s most reliable source for fixing the damaged male psyche. We perform comprehensive machismo overhauls on boys of all ages and insecurity levels. Our technicians will restore your boy to the sweet little guy he once was, before his exposure to beer commercials, older brothers, and America.

We’re conveniently located next to the Duane Reade parking lot where your boy lied about his penis size.

If your boy is stuck in old patterns and needs help getting back on the road to feeling again, we offer a twenty-four-hour towing service to pull him out of the Barstool Sports message board. Headspace assistance is available upon request. If your boy’s empathy valve has been ruptured by demands to “man up,” ask about our collision-of-regressive-attitudes-with-evolving-society insurance.

At Lou’s, we believe that your boy works best when he’s not becoming a parody of his father. So we stock a wide range of role models for your boy to look up to, as well as cautionary tales (men who have taken pickup-artist classes).

Our staff is all male, because we pride ourselves on not burdening women with even more emotional labor.

When you come to collect your boy, you’ll be impressed by how much less violent the terms he uses to describe intercourse are. We offer a money-back guarantee if anyone we’ve serviced refers to sex as “hitting that” or claims to have “beat up” the female genitalia.

As part of our standard evaluation package, we place your boy in a yoga studio to check whether he tips his shades or says “humina humina.” Sign up now to receive an online estimate of how many times your boy has watched hard-core pornography.

If you want to keep your boy running smoothly, it’s important to change his fluids. A boy can’t work properly when he’s full of Rockstar Energy Drink or that soda Juggalos spray on one another. And tear-duct clogging can lead to a complete breakdown if left unattended for forty years. Investing in the upkeep of your boy now can prevent the need for costly legal fees down the line, when he spits on a woman at a bus stop.

It’s tempting to delay servicing your boy because of the emotional cost, but skipping masculinity realignments can lead to your boy’s trying out for Duke’s lacrosse team. No parent wants that.

In addition to our domestic-repair options, we also service foreign boys. In fact, we repair all makes and models, except Randall. That kid is wack. His dad is one of those football coaches who throw folding chairs. But, if your boy is deemed beyond repair, you’ll be offered a trade-in who doesn’t call his friends “gay” for liking to dance.

All of our emotional work is backed by a lifetime warranty. If your boy punches a wall because rage is his default setting, we will come to your house and wipe off the knuckle blood.

To make an appointment, simply select a time when your boy isn’t bullying a weaker child. And remember: today’s little shit is tomorrow’s huge asshole!

Evan Waite is a co-producer of “Family Guy.”