• By Carmela Guaglianone | Examiner staff writer
• Apr 1, 2023 Updated 20 min ago (SFExaminer.com)

The stars are sending down their psychic food for April fools, San Francisco. Eat up this month’s advice, spiritual offerings and unsolicited hot takes. But sprinkle it all with a hefty helping of salt — I am just a humble (and entirely unqualified) astrological interpreter. 

♈ Aries: March 21–April 19

Think of this month like a hot dog eating competition, Aries. Or, if you’re not into hot dogs, it can be meatballs or brussels sprouts or something. The point is, the planets have put a hefty plate in front of you. It’s stacked high with some uniform food. The other competitors look hungry. How are you going to get it all down the gullet? It’s not just about speed. It’s about strategy. Ditch the cutlery. Down those dogs. 

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20

Be a cucumber this month, Taurus. Rest slices of yourself atop your friend’s eyelids to rejuvenate them. Hang out in pools to offer other patrons a mild, almost indiscernible earthy taste under the chlorine, somehow making their experience slightly more pleasant and refined. Stop at nothing to make your way into a classy little finger sandwich, smothered in cream cheese. If you don’t make it to the tea party, what has it all been for? 

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21

It’s your month to take a walk in someone else’s shoes, Gemini. In fact, try walking in a lot of different people’s shoes. Keep a tally; see how many different shoes you can sneak your feet into before the month’s end. Stroll to the grocery store in your roomie’s rain boots, dip your toe into a stranger’s sandals when they free their toes at the beach or just stop people in the crosswalk and as if they’ll trade. You may learn something about yourself. Or you may contract a fungus. But isn’t it worth finding out which it’ll be? 

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22

You’re not the most forthcoming when it comes to how you feel, crab. Start testing the waters with emotions. Tell other people how they feel about things — just to get a sense of what it’s like. People might find this frustrating or off putting. If that’s the case, make sure to tell them that they don’t like it! Eventually, you might want to switch to sharing 

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22

What if the mouse gave you a cookie?

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22

Start a spring garden. Plant some roots — potatoes, parsnips, beets, whatever tickles your green thumb. And then forget about it! Just walk away. Something green might peek through the soil eventually. If nothing grows, don’t fret. Buy some sea monkeys instead. Either way, invite a bit of life in and see what happens. 

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23

You are something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue, Libra. Bask in that versatility. Start a website in which you market yourself to brides, to stand in if they are missing one of those essential elements at their wedding. Find a way to integrate ChatGPT, everyone is talking about it these days — it’ll be sure to up your site traffic. Be careful not to become too new or too blue.

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21

Be a sponge, Scorpio. Soak up soapy water. And most importantly, soften up a bit. 

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21

If you really want to go down in history, Sag, figure out how to get your name on the periodic table. Don’t play with chemicals (that would be dangerous and also, a lot of work). Instead, just start experimenting with different salad recipes. You’ll come up with something. 

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

Pizza is a pancake, but not a crepe. Sit with that. Really understand it. 

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18

Go Johnny Appleseed this season, Aquarius. Keep seeds in your pocket and distribute them as you walk. It’s unlikely trees will grow, but you are sure to attract a posse of loyal bird friends. Who knows when that could come in handy! 

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20

There’s never a bad time to learn to listen better, my fishy friend. You’re already pretty good with your human receptors — so why not hone in on a new kind of hearing this month? Get your ESP on. Start by playing radio static while you sleep, to massage your subconscious. Work your way up to keeping the static on during the daylight hours. If something does come through from the ether, you’ll be the first to know!  

cguaglianone@sfexaminer.com  | @carmela_gua

Carmela

Carmela Guaglianone is a staff writer for The Examiner.