I was a fortunate 18 year old to be exposed to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and to the 5 Steps of Grieving. It was about 1972 at the Salem Oregon Armory. She had written a book I had just read entitled, “Death and Dying”. She was a slight little old lady. She spoke with a thick Swiss accent greeting us. She came out and sat on the stage with her legs hanging over. I am paraphrasing now from memory. It went something like this….
“When I was a little girl I had many little rabbits as my pets. One day I came home from school and found my furry pets all slaughtered. I was about 6 years of age. I broke down into tears. I was shocked and in horror of them being murdered. This is when I experienced total over-whelming grief. Eventually I went through 5 steps of grieving”. She put the book together on “Death and Dying” in the process of grieving her pet rabbits.
The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include:
Denial – The first reaction is denial. In this stage individuals believe the diagnosis is somehow mistaken, and cling to a false, preferable reality.
Anger – When the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue, they become frustrated, especially at proximate individuals. Certain psychological responses of a person undergoing this phase would be: “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; “Who is to blame?”; “Why would this happen?”.
Bargaining – The third stage involves the hope that the individual can avoid a cause of grief. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek compromise. For instance: “I’d give anything to have him back.” Or: “If only he’d come back to life, I’d promise to be a better person!”
Depression – “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die soon, so what’s the point?”; “I miss my loved one, why go on?”
During the fourth stage, the individual despairs at the recognition of their mortality. In this state, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time mournful and sullen.
Acceptance – “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it; I may as well prepare for it.”
In this last stage, individuals embrace mortality or inevitable future, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. People dying may precede the survivors in this state, which typically comes with a calm, retrospective view for the individual, and a stable condition of emotions.
I have found these 5 steps personally and professionally very helpful. They sound simple, but are not easy. We each go through these, and if we practice them consciously, it is much more effective. Think of an experience you believe you are grieving over still. Many times it takes years to process a loss. Some never get over a death, a trauma, or loss of childhood innocence. It could also be a lover, a marriage, even a career or life long dream.
This coupled with an honest release is multiplied in intensity. A therapeutic counseling process with one you trust can help you. Even then the patient often turns in rage or mistrust to whomever is helping. The ego transfers its projection of anger (step two) to the friend or counselor in the therapeutic process. The patient will turn against the very person that is helping them. At least the pain is familiar, and what is new can feel unfamiliar and unsafe. Freud encountered this and documented it in his essays. Anger and blame is a natural defense mechanism when one is feeling vulnerable. Seems us humans don’t change and grow willingly.
The box we made seems safe.
I just thought I would remind myself and others of this painful process we all have gone through and might again. I am so thankful for her discovering and sharing these steps. We all in our evolution, go through these. If we do it consciously with a trusted friend or counselor, it can ease the pain to know someone understands, and is empathic to our loss.
Robert W. McEwen, H.W., M.