February 24, 2024 (TheOnion.com)
The number of migrants seeking to cross the U.S.-Mexico border has divided Congress and communities alike, leaving no clear path forward on immigration. But as a largely Christian nation, it’s reasonable that Americans should turn to the ultimate moral authority to solve this issue: Jesus Christ. Here’s how Jesus would handle the crisis at the border, according to Christians.
Jason Velásquez, Personal Care Aide
“He would have washed the feet of the poor, tired migrants before sending them back the way they came.”
Betsy Turnbull, Retired
“He would perform a miracle by multiplying the 740-mile border barrier into a 1,950-mile border barrier.”
Jean Geiger, Home Inspector
“Given that he spoke Aramaic, he’d probably be deported immediately.”
Mike Edwards, Contractor
“I think he would accept them with open arms. Feed them. Help them wash up. Not me—I’d nuke ’em.”
David Watt, Unemployed
“What the hell does Jesus know about Christianity?”
Marilyn Hill, Homemaker
“Jesus has always been a celebrity who understands it’s better not to get involved in politics.”
Bruce Pischke, Supply Chain Manager
“Jesus shot first and asked questions later.”
Sandra Ryan, Cashier
“President Jesus would erect a wall of thorns.”
Caroline Rutledge, Concierge
“He would probably be too confused to do anything, given that he didn’t speak English or Spanish.”
Sylvia McDonald, Brand Specialist
“If he could last 40 days in the desert without eating, why can’t migrants?”
Irene Stevens, Engineer
“He would turn the water the migrants are drowning in into wine.”
Dan Swisher, Graphic Artist
“Jesus would donate $25 to a local aid fund and then forget about it altogether.”
Steven Van Heurre, Actuary
“Man, it’d be awesome. Just him and the Holy Spirit, back to back at the border, cocking shotguns.”
Ryan Fisher, Web Developer
“He’d flip a table when he saw how much money the Department of Homeland Security was awarding private contractors.”
Hannah Wilton, Retired Spinster
“Who knows? But I wouldn’t mind him giving me a little peck on the cheek. I’d be the talk of my backgammon club!”
Terry Prichard, Chiropodist
“I assume he’d immediately disregard the border, fly to the United Kingdom, and execute that heathen Eric Idle for spitting in the face of God in the ’70s.”
Delia Slater, Elementary School Teacher
“If Jesus can be used to validate the Crusades, a tiny bit of ethnic cleansing down at the border should be no sweat.”
Karen Mazur, Orthodontist
“Every migrant gets a nice crucifix necklace and plaster Jesus figurine.”
Josh Witmore, Border Patrol Agent
“Well, if he’s anything like me, he’d sexually assault the migrants.”
Gordon Antwerp, Youth Pastor
“I don’t pretend to know the Lord’s mind. But I’ll tell you what Satan would do: Provide them with food and water and give them shelter in our country.”
Sam McNally, Physician Assistant
“He’d lead them to freedom by parting the sea. That was him, right?”
Bailey Slater, Homemaker
“Jesus was a brown-skinned refugee who was the child of Jews. Of course he’d sign whatever Change.org petition was floating around.”
Grant Bolen, Orthodontist
“He would create a formal legal path…to hell!!!”
(TheOnion.com)