“We are in the habit of exaggerating, or imagining, or anticipating, sorrow.” But you can change the narrative
Published in Personal Growth
Feb 15, 2024 (Medium.com)
Marcus Aurelius, the Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher, wrote a powerful statement in his book “Meditations.” He said, “Today I escaped anxiety. Or no, I discarded it, because it was within me, in my own perceptions — not outside.” For anyone battling anxiety, it doesn’t sound like the life-changing habit you need to escape anxiety, right? Well, let’s unpack it because the psychology behind it is too strong to ignore.
Anxiety is a human experience. It’s not the same for everyone, though. I get anxious before a big presentation. But it passes. I feel completely different when it’s over. It’s nothing compared to those who battle anxiety daily. Some people feel tightness in their chests during a heated argument. Others get churning thoughts that keep them awake at night.
For many people, the consistent whisper of doubts and the amplifying fear drown out reason. It’s horrible. But Aurelius wants us to change the stories we tell ourselves to overcome anxiety.
He observed anxiety is not an external force. It’s something we create and nurture within. Because of what we’ve been through or an environment that made it difficult to interpret and react to experiences differently. Most people think they have no control over anxiety. They feel helpless. According to Aurelius, if it’s internal (of thoughts and emotions), we can untangle it. If our interpretations and fears fuel it, we can tame it.
I like what the Stoic philosopher of Ancient Rome, Seneca, once said, “It is likely that some troubles will befall us, but it is not a present fact. How often has the unexpected happened! How often has the expected never come to pass! And even though it is ordained to be, what does it avail to run out to meet your suffering?…Perhaps it will come, perhaps not; in the meantime it is not. So look forward to better things.”
For example, what comes to mind when you think about an upcoming presentation? Your mind might conjure images of judgmental eyes, critical observers, and potential failure. These imagined “what-ifs”, not the actual event itself, trigger the anxiety that cripples us. “What upsets people is not things themselves, but their judgements about these things,” says Stoic philosopher Epictetus. “Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems,” he observed. So, how do we discard anxiety, as Aurelius proposes?
First of all, you can’t push anxiety away. You can’t pretend it doesn’t exist. But you can start to change the narrative.
Start with the source. When anxiety strikes, pause and identify its root. What situations or thoughts typically trigger your anxiety? Is it public speaking, a looming deadline, social interactions, small talk, a difficult conversation, an uncertain future or something else? Pinpoint the source to know how to reinterpret the narratives in your head. Or gain a sense of control.
For example, you might realise that your social anxiety flares up in large groups but feels manageable in smaller settings. That awareness allows you to choose more comfortable situations and gradually expand your comfort zone. That simple awareness empowers you to address the fear, not be consumed by it. “We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality,” says Seneca.
Once you know the source, challenge the anxious thoughts. Are they based on reality or fuelled by worst-case scenarios? Your mind is a master storyteller, but not always a reliable one.
For example, instead of believing “I’ll mess up the presentation,” reframe it as “I’m prepared and will do my best.” Reframe the worst-case-scenario thoughts to calm the internal storm. Or instead of “I’m going to fail this presentation,” tell yourself, “I’m nervous, but I’ve prepared, I’ve practised, and I’m about to do my very best.” Changing the stories in your head reduces the emotional charge of your anxiety.
Now, ground yourself in the present. Anxiety thrives on dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Bring your thoughts to your present experience. What is happening right now? What can you control? Focus on your breath, your senses, and the present task. Stoics observed the only true power we have is the present. When your mind wanders, gently guide it to what you are doing now. It will help you detach from anxious thoughts or break free from the anxiety-inducing stories playing in your head.
For example, if you’re feeling anxious about a deadline. Instead of obsessing about meeting it perfectly, focus on the task. What is the next step you can take right now? Take a deep breath, put your phone away, and start working. Each proactive action brings you closer to completion and reduces anxiety. Sometimes, the best way to battle anxiety is to take action. If you’re worried about a presentation, start practising. If you’re anxious about a conversation, initiate it. Taking action, even small steps, can empower you and chip away at the anxieties holding you back.
You can overcome anxiety by using daily practices, tools and habits to manage your internal war. Awareness, reframing, and mindfulness can help you take control. Use them to disarm the anxious self within. Listen to Seneca, “What I advise you to do is, not to be unhappy before the crisis comes…some things torment us more than they ought; some torment us before they ought; and some torment us when they ought not to torment us at all. We are in the habit of exaggerating, or imagining, or anticipating, sorrow.”
The key is to do more of what helps you quiet the inner critic, reframe your stories, and connect with the present task.
As you do, you’ll notice that anxiety may still circle, but it no longer holds power over you. “The next time you run into an obstacle and feel resistance, don’t look at what’s around you. Instead, look within. It is not outside forces that make us feel something, it is what we tell ourselves that create our feelings,” writes creative director, writer, and strategist Paul Jun. You have the strength to discard it, one day at a time. It’s easier said than done, though. But you’ve got to start somewhere, right? You have nothing to lose. But more to gain. One step at a time. Get help if anxiety gets overwhelming.
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Written by Thomas Oppong
·Writer for Personal Growth
Making the wisdom of great thinkers instantly accessible. As seen on Forbes, Inc. and Business Insider. For my popular essays, go here: https://thomasoppong.com