8 AM — ACIM — Lesson 27 — Above all else, I want to see.
12:45 PM Ok so Sue and Jack talked me down from the ceiling. I am not going to touch the letter to the oncologist today. Today I am going to observe these symptoms and consider what I want to do about them. I hope to get some perspective on this drug from Carey and Ronna. That may or may not happen. I know Sue’s thoughts and they are valid for sure based on her experience with this drug at the VA where she ran drug trials. So I know I can’t send the angry letter I wrote. So it’s on the back burner for today. Had a good counseling session with Rick. I will keep that up. It helps with perspective and support which I know I need. Have some things to do. Plan to make another Shepherd’s pie today to see if I can improve on the last effort and have something in the freezer for next weekend when Jack is here to help me with my stuff and my cleaning. So I’m gonna sign off for now. Back later.
3:10 PM — Here’s the selfie today. Like the little beanie? They give them away at the cancer center. I’m sure volunteers knit them for cancer patients. Slow day — cold outside. I executed an update to my will about disposition of my grand piano so that feels good. Not much else to say. My left foot is still numb. I think chemo hits me harder the second week rather than the first week after treatment. Then the third week I build back strength to do it all over. It isn’t an easy thing to go through and I have developed a new compassion for anyone that has been through it. You get through but it sucks let me tell you. I did sleep last night for 3 hours and 38 minutes but only 16 minutes of deep sleep. It is what it is. I took an ambien and some Benadryl and drank a few sips of cognac. My plan as of this minute is to do that again tonight even though Sue told me to consider taking the pill. Back later.
Jack told me about that clip. Anyway, I think I have to accept the fact that the chemo weakens my body and I have to just accept that and keep going and worry about getting stronger again in the future. I have never experienced that before. I have thought of myself as being pretty strong physically. Not body builder strong but stronger than many my age. But that is definitely not the case now. I can barely walk sometimes and I just put a 5 gallon water bottle in the water dispenser thing and I almost dropped it. I’ts hard for me to do that and that is brand new. Jack even sugested I put the Apple watch away for a week. I won’t do that, but his point is a good one — that I need to accept the fact that I am in chemo and it will weaken my body and not to worry about it but to just get through it even though it sucks sometimes. So sometimes you just have sit around.
I did eat a gummie today around 3 PM. It’s an indica gummie with cbd. We’ll see how strong it is and how long it lasts and whether or not it will help me sleep. And I am considering the pill again after getting Carey’s read as well as Sue’s on that idea. So I don’t know what I will do tonight. Just have to wait and see. But I hope I get more hours tonight. My foot is still numbish as I sit here with boots on and fleece socks inside the house with the heater set to 73.
The next door neighbors are picking up Longhorn Steak house tonight and I just placed a big order with them. I’m gonna eat steak tonight (fillet) and a big meal and have lots left over for tomorrow. And Pete just texted me that he is bringing more food over tomorrow. So I’ll be swimming in good food for several days. Back later after dinner.
8:40 PM — Ate a big steak dinner with baked potato and caesar salad. Drank red mine. And watched Jo Jo Rabbit. Really a good movie if you haven’t seen it. Glad to have some appetite back. I can tell I am getting weaker physically. I tell myself it’s the chemo — let it work — get through it — but it really sucks to sort of feel like you’re just wasting away. Alice used to tell me you can do an RHS in your head.Definition of honor | Dictionary.comˈɒn ər / PHONETIC RESPELLING honesty, fairness, or integrity in one’s beliefs and actions: a man of honor. a source of…www.dictionary.com
t least I hope so. Bowing to someone is to honor them. It took a while when I did Shambhala to get used the idea of bowing to folks. Bob and I didn’t do that out of obligation. But I bought into it pretty deep and spent years bowing to people. It still something I do occasionally. Not to be a sign of subservience but a sign of honor. At least I hope so. Came across an HBO Max series called “Warrior”. I watched the fist 3/4 of the first episode when I stopped. It’s about culture I guess but with kung foo thrown in. Eastern/Western culture. Chinese immigrant to the US and the brutal Irish locals, like grandpa Henry, a bare knuckle fighter on the weekends. I don’t know if it’s any good yet but it made me go there as stoned as I am (on Indica). I did finish episode 1. Not bad.
10 PM — Filled out an aplication for Lymphoma Support Network to get hooked up with a buddy. I was as neutral as I could be. Specific about my diagnosis but neutral about my preferences. We’ll see if anything comes of it. Also wrote to my dentist asking him to examine my teeth. They are bleeding now again when I brush and even though the cancer docs do not want me to get them cleaned, I want to find out what exactly I can be doing now to save them. Most of the cancer in my mouth appears to be gone but I’ll see what the doctors say when I next see them. Never did hear back from Misty but I’ll see her when I go in to see the dentist.
11 PM signing off.