June 13, 2019 (theonion.com)
WASHINGTON—Sitting in the waiting area while ignoring the screams he heard emanating from the exam room, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly visited his conversion therapist Thursday for a routine gay-preventative checkup. “I feel completely heterosexual right now, but I still like to visit the doctor every six months or so to just to be safe,” said Pence, noting that he didn’t enjoy receiving electric shocks on his genitals while staring at photos of naked men, but it was worth it to ensure he didn’t come down with a case of full-blown gayness later on. “Maybe I’m a hypochondriac when it comes to contracting homosexuality, but I’m a busy guy and I’d rather have a spiritual intervention early on than risk missing work to recover from being attracted to men. Plus, now that it’s June it seems like everyone is gay so I need to be extra careful. I’m so lucky my insurance covers yearly gay-prevention appointments.” At press time, Pence was preparing to be lobotomized in an effort to fully immunize himself from dangerous homosexual thoughts.