May 31, 2019 (theonion.com)
THE UPPER REALM—Gasping as a murky, flickering cloud slowly began to engulf the map he had drawn with his staff in the stars above, the aged and wizened fantasy character Astron the Ancient confirmed to reporters Friday that the darkness had finally been awakened, just as the ancestors had foretold. “The Shadow Master. He rises. And for the first time in the Sun Kingdom’s history, he has broken free from the shackles of the Abyss,” said the visibly distraught 531-year-old wizard, who then fell to the ground and convulsed for several minutes before muttering several oaths in the olden tongue. “Beware, my warriors! First, the darkness will come for the stars. Then, it will come for sun. But no matter how much strength the Nether Spirit accumulates, you must not allow it to extinguish the light that dwells within all living things. For if that happens, the Shadow Master will prevail.” At press time, Astron the Ancient could reportedly be heard screaming, “The void, the void…It is endless!” as he was sucked into a mysterious, fiery portal that had suddenly opened in the sky.