April 11, 2019 (theonion.com)
LOS ANGELES—In the hopes that the experience provides a valuable lesson about adherence to the law, Judge Steve Kim responded to Lori Loughlin’s money laundering, bribery, and racketeering charges Friday by sentencing the former Full House actress to 100 hours of community theatre. “As punishment for the dishonesty, flippancy, and disregard for the law Ms. Loughlin has displayed, I’ve sentenced her to perform in a minimum of 12 different community theatre productions around the greater Los Angeles area,” said Judge Kim, who expressed his intention of sending a message to all those who believe themselves to be above the law through the actress’s mandatory court-ordered participation in small-scale productions of The Pajama Game, Oklahoma, Little Shop of Horrors, and an upcoming modern retelling of The Crucible. “Loughlin will be required to run lines with a designated sponsor to ensure she’s completely off-book for each production, and learn all necessary choreography and blocking. She will even be required to work as a grip when needed. Everyone should know what it’s like to work for weeks on a play that goes up for an audience of nine people—if Ms. Loughlin had known what was at stake, perhaps she would have thought twice about her crimes.” At press time, the judge had added an extra punishment to the sentence requiring Loughlin to also appear at the poorly attended basement cast parties following the conclusion of each production.