June 30, 2020 (theonion.com)
THE HEAVENS—In a kind gesture intended to address the man’s profound grief after his loss, God, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly sent a sympathy card Tuesday to 56-year-old Arizona resident Greg Harris after killing his wife. “Reaching out in this time of mourning to express My deepest condolences for you and everything I’ve taken from you,” wrote the Lord Almighty in a heartfelt note signed by several archangels that arrived at Harris’ home the evening after his wife lost a lengthy and painful battle with stage four nodular lymphoma. “After all that you have been through last year with Me taking your parents, I’m sure what you’re experiencing feels unbearable. But know that everything you and your remaining family has suffered is part of My divine plan. Thinking of you in this difficult time.” Sources confirmed that God went on to append a postscript assuring Harris that his wife was in a far better place with Him.