December 11, 2019 • theonion.com
THE HEAVENS—Calling the years of the whirlwind romance amongst the greatest of His life, Supreme Being and Creator of All Things God recounted Wednesday the torrid affair with 16th-century Italian artist Michelangelo that began when He posed for the Sistine Chapel fresco The Creation Of Adam. “At first, we agreed to keep My modeling strictly professional, but a friendship slowly blossomed, and as he began to study My contours, it grew into something far more sensual,” said the Lord Almighty, who recalled tender evenings in the summer of 1508 spent bonding over glasses of wine, a practice that eventually led to the omnipotent deity agreeing to let the Renaissance master sketch Him nude. “Of course, it was once I disrobed that sparks really started to fly, but it was never just a physical thing between us. We really clicked on an emotional level, too. Some might think it’s demeaning to serve as another’s muse, but for Me there’s something incredibly romantic about the relationship. When I look at the final product, every stroke of the painting, every tiny detail, evokes the flame that burned in his heart for Me. I mean, those two fingers you see touching in the painting? That was our thing in bed.” God went on to note that all of this made it especially hard to have to kill Michelangelo a mere half century later.