All posts by Mike Zonta

Gillette #MeToo ad on ‘toxic masculinity’ gets praise – and abuse

Backlash includes call for boycott of P&G, complaining commercial ‘emasculates men’

Gillette’s ‘We believe: the best men can be’ commercial takes on toxic masculinity – video

Shaving company Gillette has been bombarded with both praise and abuse after launching an advertising campaign promoting a new kind of positive masculinity.

Engaging with the #MeToo movement, the company’s new advertising campaign plays on its 30-year tagline “The best a man can get”, replacing it with “The best men can be”.

The advertisement features news clips of reporting on the #MeToo movement, as well as images showing sexism in films, in boardrooms, and of violence between boys, with a voice over saying: “Bullying, the MeToo movement against sexual harassment, toxic masculinity, is this the best a man can get?”

The film, called We Believe: the Best Men Can Be, immediately went viral with more than 4m views on YouTube in 48 hours and generated both lavish praise and angry criticism.

“This commercial isn’t anti-male. It’s pro-humanity,” wrote Bernice King, daughter of the late civil rights legend Martin Luther King. “And it demonstrates that character can step up to change conditions.”

The Emmy-award winning actor and prominent Donald Trump supporter James Woods meanwhile accused Gillette of “jumping on the ‘men are horrible’ campaign” and pledged to boycott its products.

Far-right magazine The New American attacked the advertisement’s message, saying it “reflects many false suppositions”, adding that: “Men are the wilder sex, which accounts for their dangerousness – but also their dynamism.”

But Duncan Fisher, head of policy and innovation for the Family Initiative, welcomed the company’s revolutionary shift in messaging and said it played into a new narrative about positive masculinity. “There are a lot of men who want to stand up for a different type of masculinity, but for many there has not been a way for men to express that, we just need to give them a voice,” he said. “Obviously this is an advert created by an agency to sell razors but it represents an attempt to change the dialogue.”

Others remarked that the intensity of the backlash revealed the necessity for a wider acknowledgement of the damage done to men and women by toxic masculinity.

Andrew P Street


The comments under the @Gillette toxic masculinity ad is a living document of how desperately society needs things like the Gillette toxic masculinity ad.

Seriously: if your masculinity is THAT threatened by an ad that says we should be nicer then you’re doing masculinity wrong.

2,369 people are talking about this

Among the objections were that the video implied most men were sexual harassers or violent thugs, that it was “virtue-signalling” by a company that doesn’t care about the issue, and that the advertisement was emasculating.

The film’s YouTube page quickly became a cultural battleground, with negative responses outnumbering positive on the platform – which has faced criticism for not doing enough to curtail misogyny in its comments – and many commenters saying they would never buy a Gillette razor again.

Gad Saad


I wonder how the “toxic men” who stormed the shores of Normandy to liberate the world from pure evil would feel about the moralizing of @Gillette / @ProcterGamble. The folks who do not understand why people are upset at the obnoxious virtue signalling are blind to the TOXIC

The advert threw TV presenter Piers Morgan into an apoplexy, prompting him to declare a boycott of the company and dedicate a column condemning it as part of a “pathetic global assault on masculinity”.

Piers Morgan


I’ve used @Gillette razors my entire adult life but this absurd virtue-signalling PC guff may drive me away to a company less eager to fuel the current pathetic global assault on masculinity.
Let boys be damn boys.
Let men be damn men.



“Boys will be boys”? Isn’t it time we stopped excusing bad behavior? Re-think and take action by joining us at . #TheBestMenCanBe

14.7K people are talking about this

Responding to Morgan’s angry tweets, American broadcast journalist Soledad O’Brien simply tweeted: “Oh shut up Piers,” while Canadian comedian Deven Green, as her character Mrs Betty Bowers imagined Gillette’s response to Morgan’s rage, tweeting: “Piers Morgan thinking he is a spokesperson for rampant masculinity is adorable.”

The advertisement shows men intervening to stop fights between boys and calling other men out when they say sexually inappropriate things to women in the streets.

“We believe in the best in men: To say the right thing, to act the right way. Some already are in ways big and small. But some is not enough. Because the boys watching today will be the men of tomorrow,” the voiceover says.

PR expert Mark Borkowski called the advert part of a “fantastically well-thought through campaign”, adding that it appealed to a younger generation that were very aware of the power of advertising and marketing on society.

“It is no longer enough for brands to simply sell a product, customers are demanding that they have a purpose – that they stand for something,” he said. “Masculinity is a huge part of Gillette’s brand, and there is a recognition in this ad that the new generation is reworking that concept of masculinity, and it is no longer the cliche is once was.”

Writing in more detail about the thinking of the advert Gillette, which is owned by Procter & Gamble, said the advertisement was part of a broader initiative for the company to promote “positive, attainable, inclusive and healthy versions of what it means to be a man.

Gillette has also promised to donated $1m a year for three years to non-profit organisations with programs “designed to inspire, educate and help men of all ages achieve their personal “best” and become role models for the next generation”.

The ad was directed by Kim Gehrig of the UK-based production agency, Somesuch. Gehrig was behind the 2015 This Girl Can advertising campaignfor Sport England and “Viva La Vulva”, an advertisement for Swedish feminine hygiene brand Libresse.

Some people took issue with the advertisement because it was directed by a woman. The Conservative Canadian political commentator Ezra Levant wrote: “A shaving ad written by pink-haired feminist scolds is about as effective as a tampon ad written by middle aged men … Count this 30-year customer out.”

Embedded video



We don’t need politics with our shave gel.

119 people are talking about this

But many praised the campaign, including Iceland’s foreign ministry, and the Tyler Clementi Foundation, named after a student who jumped to his death after being outed online as gay.

MFA Iceland 🇮🇸


We believe in the best in men!


This ad from @Gillette reflects the message we send during the Barbershop conferences – that men reject the toxic ideas about masculinity and instead help build a culture of #GenderEquality. We believe in the best in men.#TheBestMenCanBe #HeForShe 

See MFA Iceland 🇮🇸‘s other Tweets

Tyler Clementi Foundation


Thank you @Gillette for reminding us that there can be no going back from how far we as a society have come in confronting the issue of bullying & harassment of others. Help us share this message about the importance of being an Upstander. 

See Tyler Clementi Foundation’s other Tweets

The campaign follows other campaigns by major international brands that have dealt with social and political issues. In 2018 Nike ran a campaign featuring NFL star Colin Kaepernick, who drew criticism from Donald Trump for kneeling during the national anthem to protest against racism.

Emily Andras


Exploitative? Maybe. Brave and timely? Absolutely. Also, I cried. Well done, @Gillette.



“Boys will be boys”? Isn’t it time we stopped excusing bad behavior? Re-think and take action by joining us at #TheBestMenCanBe

514 people are talking about this

(Submitted by Gwyllm Llwydd.)


Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 15, 2019 (

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You swore you’d make real attempts to become a better, more well-rounded human being, but by the end of the week, you’ll have a favorite stock-car racer.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Sometimes, life’s smallest changes are the most important, as evidenced by the microscopic cancer cells currently entwining the base of your spinal column.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

It’s true people only pay attention to you because of your enormous breasts, but cut them some slack. Most people only have two, and theirs are relegated to their chest.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You and your entire family will be granted the power of flight by conniving sky-gods who merely want to create additional safety problems for the airline industry.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Nobody said the farming life was going to be easy, but you still never imagined it would require waking up at the crack of dawn every morning to file for 11 different government subsidies.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The ravages of age will begin to interfere with your work this week when your rapidly worsening vision produces paparazzi photo after paparazzi photo of people who look like Matt Damon.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

An 8-year-old asshole will give away all 43 endings to the choose your own adventure book you’re reading.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Secretly tape-recording your private conversations is something you might be able to forgive, but not splitting the profits of their sale with you is a different thing entirely.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your desperation to escape the buses that are constantly hitting you will force you to build a time machine, which will deposit you just downhill from where an early <i>Homo sapien</i> is attaching the first four wheels on a huge hollow log.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You’ll be prevented from joining the Army’s elite paratrooper unit, which seems unfair given your years of experience jumping out of things while holding guns.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

There are very few people who respond to a well-prepared spaghetti carbonara in the same way you do, a fact for which the nation’s firefighters thank God daily.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Jupiter will enter your sign at a very delicate moment this week, causing it to blush, stammer an apology, and back out.


Gillette’s ‘We believe: the best men can be’ commercial takes on toxic masculinity

Guardian News
Published on Jan 14, 2019
The shaving brand Gillette has launched a new ad campaign in response to the Me Too movement. The video urges men to hold each other to a higher standard and to step up when they see fellow men acting inappropriately towards women. The video has received intense criticism on social media with many men calling for a boycott of the brand


Sunday Night Translation Group – 1/13/19

Translators:  Melissa Goodnight, Richard Branam, Hanz Bolen, Mike Zonta

SENSE TESTIMONY:  Control and misuse of social information may severely limit individual freedom of thought and behavior.

5th Step Conclusions:

1)  Truth/Infinite Mind possesses all and behaves accordingly.

2)  All is One Infinite Consciousness Beingness — an absolute singularity of sentient awareness, that is always freely informing limitless supportive mutuality, in every individuated experience that is fully recognized as such.

3)  The One Beingness of Universal Mind Truth Integrity is the only Power, only Cause, Only Identity, Only Value, only Desire, only Presence, abundantly, loving, agreeing, expressing of all there is. Being is the abundant power presence cause identity value of all desire and expression.

4)  Truth is the Only Necessary Freedom that Works’: Being this Aloha Commonwealth, this Universal Precept Resonates’ in the Heart as the I Am that I Am: Individuated Identity. 
Truth Is Pure Principle: This Precept of Freedom in Intimately Written in the Haven of Lifes’ Heart’.


NASA: Icy object past Pluto looks like reddish snowman

This image made available by NASA on Wednesday, Jan. 2, 2019 shows images with separate color and detail information, and a composited image of both, showing Ultima Thule, about 1 billion miles beyond Pluto. The New Horizons spacecraft encountered itThe Associated Press
This image made available by NASA on Wednesday, Jan. 2, 2019 shows images with separate color and detail information, and a composited image of both, showing Ultima Thule, about 1 billion miles beyond Pluto. The New Horizons spacecraft encountered it on Tuesday, Jan. 1, 2019. (NASA via AP)

A NASA spacecraft 4 billion miles from Earth yielded its first close-up pictures Wednesday of the most distant celestial object ever explored, depicting what looks like a reddish snowman.

Ultima Thule, as the small, icy object has been dubbed, was found to consist of two fused-together spheres, one of them three times bigger than the other, extending about 21 miles (33 kilometers) in length.

NASA’s New Horizons, the spacecraft that sent back pictures of Pluto 3½ years ago, swept past the ancient, mysterious object early on New Year‘s Day. It is 1 billion miles (1.6 billion kilometers) beyond Pluto.

On Tuesday, based on early, fuzzy images taken the day before, scientists said Ultima Thule resembled a bowling pin. But when better, closer pictures arrived, a new consensus emerged Wednesday.

“The bowling pin is gone. It’s a snowman!” lead scientist Alan Stern informed the world from Johns Hopkins University’s Applied Physics Laboratory , home to Mission Control in Laurel. The bowling pin image is “so 2018,” joked Stern, who is with the Southwest Research Institute.

The celestial body was nicknamed Ultima Thule — meaning “beyond the known world” — before scientists could say for sure whether it was one object or two. With the arrival of the photos, they are now calling the bigger sphere Ultima and the smaller one Thule.

Thule is estimated to be 9 miles (14 kilometers) across, while Ultima is thought to be 12 miles (19 kilometers).

Scientist Jeff Moore of NASA’s Ames Research Center said the two spheres formed when icy, pebble-size pieces coalesced in space billions of years ago. Then the spheres spiraled closer to each other until they gently touched — as slowly as parking a car here on Earth at just a mile or two per hour — and stuck together.

Despite the slender connection point, the two lobes are “soundly bound” together, according to Moore.

Scientists have ascertained that the object takes about 15 hours to make a full rotation. If it were spinning fast — say, one rotation every three or four hours — the two spheres would rip apart.

Stern noted that the team has received less than 1 percent of all the data stored aboard New Horizons. It will take nearly two years to get it all.

The two-lobed object is what is known as a “contact binary.” It is the first contact binary NASA has ever explored. Having formed 4.5 billion years ago, when the solar system taking shape, it is also the most primitive object seen up close like this.

About the size of a city, Ultima Thule has a mottled appearance and is the color of dull brick, probably because of the effects of radiation bombarding the icy surface, with brighter and darker regions.

Both spheres are similar in color, while the barely perceptible neck connecting the two lobes is noticeably less red, probably because of particles falling down the steep slopes into that area.

So far, no moons or rings have been detected, and there were no obvious impact craters in the latest photos, though there were a few apparent “divots” and suggestions of hills and ridges, scientists said. Better images should yield definitive answers in the days and weeks ahead.

Clues about the surface composition of Ultima Thule should start rolling in by Thursday. Scientists believe the icy exterior is probably a mix of water, methane and nitrogen, among other things.

The snowman picture was taken a half-hour before the spacecraft’s closest approach early Tuesday, from a distance of about 18,000 miles (28,000 kilometers).

Scientists consider Ultima Thule an exquisite time machine that should provide clues to the origins of our solar system.

It’s neither a comet nor an asteroid, according to Stern, but rather “a primordial planetesimal.” Unlike comets and other objects that have been altered by the sun over time, Ultima Thule is in its pure, original state: It’s been in the deep-freeze Kuiper Belt on the fringes of our solar system from the beginning.

“This thing was born somewhere between 99 percent and 99.9 percent of the way back to T-zero (liftoff) in our solar system, really amazing,” Stern said. He added: “We’ve never seen anything like this before. It’s not fish or fowl. It’s something that’s completely different.”

Still, he said, when all the data comes in, “there are going to be mysteries of Ultima Thule that we can’t figure out.”


The Associated Press Health & Science Department receives support from the Howard Hughes Medical Institute’s Department of Science Education. The AP is solely responsible for all content.


Choir Boy Music Video: Keep Your Eyes on the Prize

Manhattan Theatre Club
Published on Nov 29, 2018
Read more or buy tickets at
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Broadway Premiere by Tarell Alvin McCraney
Directed by Trip Cullman
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For half a century, the Charles R. Drew Prep School for Boys has been dedicated to the education of strong, ethical black men. One talented student has been waiting for years to take his rightful place as the leader of the legendary gospel choir. But can he make his way through the hallowed halls of this institution if he sings in his own key? On its US debut at MTC’s Studio at Stage II, The New York Times called the play “vivid, magnetic and moving,” and The New York Post hailed it as “bracing and provocative.” Now, we’re thrilled to bring this soaring music-filled work to Broadway. Playwright Tarell Alvin McCraney is an Oscar®-winning screenwriter of Moonlight and a recipient of the MacArthur Fellowship Grant. Directing is Trip Cullman (Murder Ballad).


What is Truth?


For Bruins, including the humanities faculty we’ve quoted in this issue, the pursuit of truth is a fundamentally social process. Any claim is subject to testing, refinement and occasionally flat-out debunking. We seek truth like connoisseurs – passionate and ever wary of shoddy substitutes.

Whoever you are and wherever you come from, when you step onto the UCLA campus, you’re invited to speak your own ideas, to defend them through the peaceful exercise of good thinking, to answer critiques, perhaps to change a mind, perhaps to change the world.

We know that books alone won’t preserve or defend truths. For that we need the willing, critical engagement of young and diverse thinkers who will take on the pursuit of truth as a project for their own time.

Little wonder that UCLA’s early leaders thought to inscribe iconic Royce Hall with Josiah Royce’s observation: “The world is a progressively realized community of interpretation.”

This world belongs to you.

– David Schaberg, Dean of Humanities



As an archaeologist, I am focused on how to understand the past from the material things we leave behind, I have always been careful with using the term “objective” and certainly the term “truth”. I would shudder when colleagues used these words freely and, in my opinion, naively. Yet, for the past two years, I have landed in a philosophical crisis and, in spite of my well-founded reservations, I now feel that it is important to recognize that there is a basis on which we can decide what is true and what is not. People in history were as divided and opinionated as we are, but we recognize that events in the past happened, and we base that on facts we discover in archaeological or historical sources. Evidence can be debated, but should never be disregarded, warped, or denied. Civilized human society is founded on an informed and tolerant discussion. It is rooted in the weighing of information that can be checked independently. Throwing out all rules of debate in exchange for personal or political gain is unethical and potentially dangerous. Rendering intellectual, fact-based criticism as suspicious and those who wield it as enemies, is the pursuit of tyrants. We need to bring the grand narratives of oppression, inequality, injustice, and even just the stories of inattentiveness and lack of empathy, under the attention of those who have forgotten the past, or consider it unimportant. History does not repeat itself, but historical events allow us to analyze where human behavior has serious negative consequences. We do not have to agree, as long as we keep listening.

Willeke Wendrich
Director, Cotsen Institute of Archaeology at UCLA
Joan Silsbee Chair of African Cultural Archaeology
Prof. Egyptian Archaeology and Digital Humanities


I open my undergraduate Comparative Literature 100 class on “Truth and Simulation” with Nietzsche’s provocation: “What then is truth?  A mobile army of metaphors…. Truths are illusions about which it has been forgotten that they are illusions, worn-out metaphors without sensory impact, coins which have lost their image and now can be used only as metal, and no longer as coins.” Most of the modern Continental philosophical tradition I study follows Nietzsche (and Freud and Marx) in questioning the reliability of our perception of truth and suggesting that other forces are at work.  Michel Foucault writes of “games” and “regimes” of truth, or the idea that what we consider true is a function of current power structures.  Gilles Deleuze goes so far as to invert Plato’s attack on artists as second order simulators of truth and affirm the “powers of the false.”  More recently, Alain Badiou has refreshingly tried to salvage Plato and a strong model of truth from this lineage of detractors.  My own sense is that Medieval philosophy produced perhaps the most interesting commentaries on the difficulties of understanding truth in relation to falsity, which is to say that these questions are far from new to our era.

Eleanor Kaufman
Professor of Comparative Literature, English, and French and Francophone Studies


Truth is a value, a relation, and a mystery. It is not the only thing that as thinkers we seek; there is, after all, understanding, but without it the rest is, well, phony.

Truth is a value because it is kind of rightness. Just as we act rightly so we can believe and speak rightly. True beliefs and true declarations meet a standard. Just as true friends are those who adjust their actions to the standards for friendship so to count as believing and not just wishful thinking a state of mind has to aim at truth—which is why for me to say that of something that it is true but I don’t believe it would be met with an incredulous stare. To speak and think without even aiming at truth is at best to speak and think bullshit.

Thoughts and claims are true only if they relate to the world by representing it correctly but that is not always enough. Truth is so elusive that a theory from which every truth followed would contradict itself and so mysterious that some religions have identified it with God. And that is just the beginning.

Calvin Normore
Professor, Philosophy
Brian P. Copenhaver Chair


In our era where scientists challenge the Cartesian mind/body duality, our mission as a university cannot simply seek to educate the mind separate from the whole person. Truth is not limited to something knowable through the mind alone — abstract, disembodied concepts and things that exist out in the world, objectively measurable and verifiable. The body, heart and soul must also be contacted and cultivated. This is why the Humanities are so important. The kinds of truth that humanists cultivate touch the whole human being. They are inner truths to which personal stories give us access. Stories are the data of the soul. They cultivate qualities of empathy for others by bringing their experiences close inside the heart, our inner knowing.

Stories teach an embodied form of knowing, underlining that the content of any truth depends on HOW we know and express it, embodied in language. HOW we know a truth, HOW we frame it, shapes what we know and can’t know.

As the lens of our HOW keeps shifting, we come to realize one of the most profound truths at the center of a humanist education: the ambiguous nature of all truth. As much as we long to grasp on to one fixed, certain principle, the ground always shifts beneath us, leaving uncertainty in its place. A Humanist education teaches us to value the nature of ambiguity and uncertainty as the ground of our being. Scientists, doctors, engineers are now looking more and more to humanists because they realize that their values and modes of knowing are a crucial complement to their own.

Sara E. Melzer
Professor, French and Francophone Studies


Truth is of central importance in philosophy as a discipline. In a sense it’s all we care about. Where some say “truth be damned,” we say “everything else be damned.

If I say “The bird is on the wire” and you say, of the same bird at the same time and place, “The bird is not on the wire,” these are not alternative facts from which we may freely choose. For a statement to refer to a fact, the statement has to be true, and these cannot both be true.

But when statements contradict each other, or are inconsistent with each other, they are not two alternative facts; one is true and the other is false.

The phrase “my truth” is often used to refer to claims whose truth is more accessible to me, or important to me, than it is to someone else. Fair enough, but if it is a truth, then it is the case, and suggesting that I possess that seems like an affectation. What I may possess and you may not is belief about or knowledge of the truth. I think we would find less need to torture the word “truth” if we paid more attention to the concepts of belief and knowledge.

If we care about the truth, we should instead respond to assertions by asking “How do you know?” or “What are your reasons?” It is a strong disciplinary norm in philosophy that we assume the other person has reasons for their beliefs. It’s not that we’re naïve; we know it’s always possible that a person is rationalizing or motivated by self-interest, or has been led along by the crowd or tribal loyalty, but if we started a conversation by assuming any of those things about our interlocutor, we would be assuming we have nothing to learn from them. The philosopher isn’t cynical enough to think we know that.

Sherrilyn Roush
Professor, Philosophy


We Classicists have been studying Greco-Roman antiquity for the better part of two millennia, always learning from our predecessors even as we seek to surpass them in understanding the rich and yet problematic legacy of these increasingly distant cultures. Sometimes we make new discoveries—new texts or new objects come to light or new tools expand our knowledge of old texts and old objects—but even when the factual record remains unchanged, we change, and with changes in us come new perspectives, new insights, new problems, and new questions to explore. So where does truth enter the scene? It entices us there on the frontier between fact and interpretation and is as much a function of how we do our work as of what we discover while doing it. Whether we focus on the written record or the material record, we strive for honesty in representing what is entrusted to us and combine that honesty with a humility that comes from knowing beyond all doubt that whatever we believe, whatever we claim, whatever we know, the next generation will surely say, “That’s not good enough! We need to know more and we need to know better!” And that’s the truth.

Sander M. Goldberg
Distinguished Research Professor
Department of Classics


Cento*: On Truth in Poetry

My favourite poem is the one that starts
‘Thirty days hath September’
because it actually tells you something

Poetry is seen as the furthest thing from fact
because of the way people encountered
poetry when they were young

not as work that clarified and illuminated
but that had to be deciphered and explained
Experience, in a work of art, may be rendered

most truthfully by attending to something beyond
the verifiable fact. Subjectivity may be
as severe and demanding a discipline

as objectivity. The real work of the poem
is the education of the emotions
Poems are like dreams: in them you put

what you don’t know you know
They are roadmaps of our humanity
Nothing is too wonderful to be true

Amber West
Lecturer, UCLA Writing Programs
Assistant Director, UCLA Undergraduate Writing Center

*Sources: Groucho Marx (lines 1-3), Kwame Dawes (4-8), David Yezzi (9-11), Alicia Ostriker (11-13), David Yezzi (13-14), Adrienne Rich (15-16), David Yezzi (17), Michael Faraday (18)

(Submitted by Janet Cornwell, H.W.)


Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 8, 2019

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

With NASA under increased pressure to perform and to curry public favor, they’re seriously considering using cutting-edge technology to launch you into orbit.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Once, you were just the infant found in a city dumpster. Now, you’re known nationwide as “that guy who’s lived his entire life in the dumpster where he was found as an infant.”

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your exuberance at suddenly discovering you can fly is muted somewhat when the discovery happens during your tour of the White House, causing you to be blown out of the air by vigilant F-15 pilots.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your friends will soon hold an intervention to take away your barge pole, wide-brimmed white straw hat, and Chianti bottle in an effort to stop your wanton and dangerous gondoliering.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Taurus includes the stars of the Pleiades—mentioned in the Bible and instrumental in the design of the Pyramids—but these beauties are just one of the many reasons to visit the most popular constellation in the Zodiac.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Maybe in your next life, you’ll believe the Zodiac when it tells you to cut the red wire.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Actually, a goatsucker is an order of insect-eating nocturnal birds that includes the whippoorwill and the nighthawk, you pervert.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

In a certain light, from just the right angle, you will begin to bear an uncanny resemblance to Abe Lincoln.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You’ll be found guilty of 12,582 counts of bee murder and given the responsibility of pollinating every flower in your immediate neighborhood for 11 years.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Change is long overdue in your life, but sadly, the Zodiac can no longer find a place in the budget for such expenditures.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You’ve always reported the incidents as “drive-by shootings,” but that may not be the proper term to describe your situation, wherein everyone you drive by shoots at you.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Word to the wise: Although your baby is indeed badly in need of a new pair of shoes, it is not likely that any situation involving dice is likely to produce said shoes.


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